Fantasy Update: Last Place Woes

Some of you may know that Thursday is typically our fantasy update day. But not today!

Thanks to Smackdown's never failing ability to suck, this past week's Friday Night Smackdown was moved to ... Tuesday? And apparently our staffers are incapable of coping with such madness. So, no fantasy update for you until next week.

HOWEVER. I know there is one fantasy question the world has been dying to have answered. One question that the world can not possibly be expected to wait another 144 hours to have answered! One question that has been slowly eating away at their RAW-craving souls! So, being the kind and generous C.O.O. that I am, I've decided to toss you a bone:

Q: Can The Miche's fantasy roster get any worse?

The answer is... Yes! Not only is she currently standing with a MIZ-erable 68 points (which you can compare to, let's say, Moose's 260 points). BUT WE'VE COME TO FIND OUT that one of her men was legitimately injured this week! That's right. Her third best point-scorer (tied with Alicia Fox and Michael McGuillicutty with a big, fat ZERO), Santino Marella, was in a car accident this past Thursday and suffered a separated left shoulder. And he wasn't the only casualty:

Fantasy Update: Brands!? We don’t need no stinking brands!

At the beginning of Raw this past Monday, Mr. H’s announced that the brand split will be over indefinitely. MADNESS! This changes everything I thought I knew about the world. Black is white! Up is down! Dogs and cats living together! MASS HYSTERIA! How will I live in a world where I have to see John Cena “wrestle” twice a week?

Props:

1) Randy Orton: Taking advantage of the opportunity to wrestle on both shows this week, RKO beat Dolph Ziggler and Christian on his way to a cool 79 points for the week. The only downside is that the World’s Strongest Man beat the crap out of him after the Christian match. If I were Orton, I would make sure to wear some thick shin pads because Mark Henry is hungry for pizza the belt.

2) Sin Cara: With victories over Jack “Gosh, Vickie Guerrero sure is pretty” Swagger and Daniel “Image not provided” Bryan, Sin Cara is behind only Orton and Cena in points for the week. Most surprising of all is the apparent heel turn at the end of the Bryan match. He’s primed to be the greatest mute heel since Helen Keller.

Slops:

1) The WWE for burying our favorite mid-carders: R-Truth, John Morrison, Cody Rhodes and The Miz had a pretty light presence on both shows. Apparently the brand merge means more John Cena thinking he’s funny (at the 4:10 mark) and extended trailers for Triple H’s new movie. No one cares about your new movie, H’s! Now, if the movie were about buddy cops taking down a government conspiracy starring The Miz and R-Truth titled “Dis-Miz-al of Truth”, then I’d be interested.

2) Our so-called smack talk board: Only three people from the league have even commented so far. Here are the “highlights”.

Best Uso brothers joke (Mapes): What did the one Uso say to the other Uso?
I’ve never heard of U-so leave me alone.

Best rebuttal (Moose): Your current point accumulation is a clear indication of how credible your assessments of worth are.

Best Cena related burn (The Miche): John Cena sucks for all time.

Standings




Check out our league's smack talk here.

Fantasy Update: The Bourne Supremacy

It's been a big week in fantasy land: Alberto Del Rio is wrestling everyone, Mark Henry scored more than sixty points in a non-title match and Evan Bourne is shockingly relevant. Let's jump right in with the Slops and Props.

Props:

1) Evan Bourne: Really? Really?? REALLY!? The little engine that could is a part of the new tag team duo that I have dubbed Trix. (Silly smarks, Trix are for kids!) Trix's recent ascension to the Tag Team Championship has lead to serious points for Bourne, who not only scored 30 points for winning the belt, but also nabbed a cool 40 for getting the pin in both of their matches. He's outscored everyone but Del Rio and Henry and is the sole reason that Moose's team is in second place.

2) Alberto Del Rio: He's the WWE Champion, he's got 10,000 automobiles and he goes on SmackDown so the other MITB winner can job for him. Hell, his personal ring announcer has scored more points than Randy Orton. ADR es en fuego.

3) John Triton drops Zack Ryder for Ricardo Rodriguez: John Triton knows a good thing when he sees it and he knows that Ric-Rod is going to be racking up the mic points. He also knows that WWE Superstar and walking AXE body spray advertisement Zack Ryder isn't going over anytime soon. At least Ryder can rest easy knowing he has the highest ratio of crowd signs to matches won in the WWE Universe.

Slops:

1) Mark Henry: I know he scored a bunch of points during the Battle Royal, but he spent half the match outside the ring. I could make some terribly crude remarks about having to sit out half the match because he's so fat. I could say that "Weird Al" Yankovic wrote the song "Fat" about him, or that when he sits around the house he indeed sits around the outside of his house. But the fine readers of RiR are too classy for that brand of humor, so we'll just leave that stone unturned.

2) Rey Mysterio: In case you were unaware, Mr. 619 is going to be out for a few months after having surgery on his knee. This news comes as a serious blow to fantasy owners and nine-year-old kids everywhere. As an Alberto Del Rio owner, I'm saddened that he will not be jobbing for the champ anytime soon.

3) John Cena, Randy Orton, CM Punk, Christian: These fellas might not be aware, but combined they've been outscored by Evan Bourne. REALLY!?!?

Standings




Check out our league's smack talk here.

Fantasy Update: That’s a thing!?

This past Monday, the writers of our humble blog sat down to draft their teams for our fantasy WWE league. I know what you’re thinking: “But Mapes, I didn’t even realize that you could have a fantasy WWE league. I thought fantasy sports were just limited to NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, college basketball, college football, NASCAR, golf and cricket? Are you saying that I can be in a fantasy league where I get points for Randy Orton throwing Christian through the Spanish announcers’ table?”

Yes, surprisingly long-winded reader, that is exactly what I’m saying.

In fact, all of us at Raw is Real loved this idea so much that we amped it up to the tune of eight teams of five-man rosters (four Superstars and one Diva) and a $200 auction draft. Here are some of the props and slops to come out of the draft.

Props:

1) Sarah (Mysterious K2) nabbing Kelly Kelly for $55. Kelly Kelly wrestles. A lot. She’s easily the most valuable Diva, and she probably should have gone for at least $20 more. She got nominated early when everyone was still concerned about saving money for a top-flight Superstar.

2) Ramsey (Mr. Ramsey) - a.k.a. John Triton’s friend who doesn’t actually write on the blog a.k.a. The-Out-Of-Towner - landing Cody Rhodes for $50. You get some serious points for defending a belt and Cody Rhodes is the freshly-minted Intercontinental Champ. He was the last big name off the board and most people had blown their budget by the time his name was called.

3) Goose (CMSkunk) buying Mark Henry for $41. Mark Henry will not stop until everyone on SmackDown has a broken leg, or has died. Fortunately for Goose, you get a ton of points for using chairs, throwing people through barricades and sending your fellow wrestlers to the hospital. I’ve also heard that "babies eaten" could be a new scoring category by mid-season. If that’s the case, look for the World’s Strongest Man to really shine down the stretch.


Slops:

1) Goose taking Christian for $64. He just lost the World Heavyweight belt to Orton and I’ve heard that replicas of his pants aren’t selling too well over at WWE.com. Could be relegated to mid-card status for the immediate future.

2) Moose’s (Haven’t Cena Nuff) entire team, except Cena. She refused to leave the table without Cena, spending a whopping $141 on him. As a result, she had to fill her team out with Evan Bourne, Undertaker and an injured Big Show. The only way she wins the league is if Cena can somehow hold all of the belts simultaneously. I would not put this past the WWE.

3) John Triton (John Cena’s Dad) selecting Zack Ryder with the last nomination of the auction. WOO WOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Full Draft Results

Big thanks to the guys at DroptheBelt.com. It’s free to play, so check it out.



Check out our league's smack talk here.