Some of you may have noticed (and been disgusted by) the fact that The Miz won this RAWard two weeks ago. Unfortunately while I, C.O.O. of RiR, was on vacation these past two weeks, the RAWard decision-making duties were passed down to the vastly inferior and mentally incompetent co-C.O.O., The Miche. Even though this extremely revolting and unforgivable decision is indeed partnership-ending-worthy, I've decided to be the better (wo)man and take the most just and righteous course of action in order to remedy this situation:
I hereby revoke The Miz's 8/15/11 RAWard and hand it over to the much more worthy (and truly most bone-able) Superstar: John Cena.
It's tough to pull away from "The Bachelor Pad", but we are watching Raw live tonight, no DVR. I do it all for my fans.
Opening promo:
Mr. H's starts off tonight to announce tonight's Super Raw (Yay! SmackDown stars! I hope Jinder Mahal is here!) and address Kevin Nash's fake car accident last week. He is quickly joined by CM Punk, wearing Jeff Hardy's boots, and Nash. It got started a little slow with Nash and Mr. H's working out their problems. Thankfully, we've got CM Punk in the ring, who pretty much said my thoughts exactly when he called Nash gimpy and boring. If it was me, I would have said something along the lines of him looking like he's trying out for a "Just for Men" commercial. Punk then sets his sights on Mr. H's, who he berates until he gives us a Nash vs. CM Punk match for NOC.
I can't see Nash being able to wrestle a match up to the standards CM Punk has set for his matches, so I think something will be up with that match. My guess is that is where Mr. H's finally gives us the heel turn. He is really starting to look like a bitch lately next to Punk, so it's about time he gets one over on him.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton
Ziggler gets off to a hot start, likely due to the Cougar necklace that his manager is wearing. Orton turns it around and actually lands a Superplex(!) on Dolph. We go back and forth a little more, until Dolph gives Randy a little Sweet Chin Music.
The match finally ends with Randy reversing a sleeper hold into a modified powerbomb followed by a RKO. That was actually a really good match. It's good to see that the stink of SmackDown hasn't affected Randy yet. Props to Dolph too. I'm actually intrigued by this Vickie Guerrero/Swagger/Ziggler storyline right now.
John Cena promo:
It's been about 40 minutes and they haven't even mentioned Cena. Thankfully, he's out next. John tells us that we should be here right now. Luckily, he's coming to Columbus next week! Has anybody ever listened to the words of Cena's entrance? Tonight's introduction ends with my favorite line of the song: "I'll brush your mouth like Colgate." That's why I love Cena. He can talk smack using personal hygiene.
Wow, Cena gets beeped and says anus in the span of two sentences. A couple of second grade teachers are going to have a rough day tomorrow. Unfortunately, Mark Henry comes out and talks about some SmackDown stuff. The fans make it even worse with the stupid "WHAT?" chant. Not sure if I am the only one on the RiR staff who feels this way, but I hate that bit. A lot of great heel promos get ruined with that stuff. Anyway, other people come out and it looks like we will get Cena and Sheamus vs. Christian and Mark Henry.
Meanwhile, backstage
We cut to John Laurinaitis who ends up getting confronted by Mr. H's. The real wild card in this whole storyline is this what Lauranitis has to do with all of this. He's mostly been in the background, but they've been mentioning him a lot more on this episode. Feels like he going to play a prominent role before it's all said and done.
The Miz vs. CM Punk
Punk's boots look a lot better with his trunks then his t-shirt, by the way. The early highlight is when Lawler tells a geography joke. Miz is mostly controlling the match until Punk gets a few moves in. To be honest, the announcers have kind of ruined this match for us, as King and Cole won't shut up. Guys, we are over you. Luckily, action picks up as R-Truth interferes and gets Miz DQ'd. Punk fends them off until Nash comes out to distract him and the beat down starts. My beef with this is why would Miz and Truth, who are complaining about conspiracies, let Nash take all the spotlight? If I were them, I'd kick Nash's ass. That will get you some attention.
Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger
Sin Cara wins with a lionsault when Dolph distracts Swagger because he is jealous of the whole Guerrero/Swagger thing going on. I have a little less faith in this whole angle now that someone in it lost to Sin Cara. Forget what I said earlier.
Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty
It's a rematch for the Tag Titles, probably because David Otunga used that rematch clause that his agent was so savvy to include. We learn that the new Bourne/Kingston tag team will be called Air Boom, as suggested by a WWE fan. Darn it, I really thought they might like my submission of Air Bore, amirite?. Anyway, unsurprisingly Bourne and Kofi take it.
Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella
The Bella twins pull the old switcharoo once again for the victory. I will be curious to see how they score that match. Brie was the legal winner, but Nikki won the match. The life of a WWE statistician is one I do not envy.
Commercial Break
As a big fan of WWE films (I went to the theatre all four days that "12 Rounds" was out), I was excited to see the trailer for their new movie "Laundromat Knights". It surprises me that they are going to try a romantic comedy with all the success they have had in action films, but this one looks like a winner. For those who didn't see the trailer, it stars Evan Bourne as a successful investment banker who falls for the local, lowly laundromat girl played by Mandy Moore. It also stars Jason Biggs as Evan's down-to-earth friend and Vladimir Koslov as the evil laundromat owner. Looking forward to that one!
John Cena and Sheamus vs. Mark Henry and Christian
The subplot of this match is that Henry gets the winner tomorrow between Orton and Christian at NOC, so maybe a double-cross is in the books. Heels get the early advantage, until Sheamus gets the hot tag to Cena who cleans house. Faces end up winning the match with the combination of a Brogue Kick and FU on Christian. Wouldn't hold my breath tomorrow for a win if I was Christian fan after that.
Ending promo:
We think that Raw ends, but they cut back to Mr. H's in the dressing room who is approached by Punk. Mr. H's lets Punk know that his match with Nash has been canceled. After Punk berates him a little more, Mr. H's informs him that he still will have a match at NOC, only against Mr. H's himself.
This confirms my earlier premonition, as there was no way Nash could wrestle a whole match. They did a good job of bypassing the Nash match without making him look weak. Overall, the set up has been pretty intriguing so far. A Punk vs. Mr. H's match has been teased recently with Punk calling him a doofus during his now famous rant, and showing up a comic-com. I think the WWE has done a great job of taking the story to its likely ending point while keeping a couple of wild cards. It will be interesting to see what Nash has to say about this next week, as well as what role, if any, he plays in their match.
Superlatives
Who got got?
John Laurinaitis gets told what's what by Trips.
Most predictable moment
A tie between The Miz and Dolph Ziggler losing. You had to know who would win as soon as those matches were announced, right?
Most awkward moment
Natalya and Beth Phoenix rant backstage about how they're not jealous of Kelly Kelly. But they're totally jealous of Kelly Kelly.
Green Day? Are you serious? This is just some bland crap. How is this supposed to get me pumped up to watch some wrestling? This song must be the anthem for thickly-eyelined faux goth kids everywhere.
"Do you know your enemy?
Do you know your enemy?
Well, you gotta know the enemy, wah hey"
Monday Night RAW has been on the air for nearly 20 years now - basically my entire childhood and adult life. Throughout those years, there have been a lot of moments that have been embedded in my memory, either because they were so epic that they can't be forgotten ("Tyson and Austin! Tyson and Austin!") or because they were so ridiculous that I just can't get over them (diaper matches, anyone?).
One of the earliest Monday Night RAW memories that I have is the Brian Pillman/Stone Cold Steve Austin rivalry. My favorite part? The November 4, 1996 episode during which Brian Pillman brought a gun onto live television.
As the Austin and Pillman rivalry amped up (after Pillman, Austin's former tag team partner, turned his back on the Rattlesnake and sided with the Hart Foundation), Austin headed to Pillman's home in Kentucky to finish what had been started on a previous RAW. Pillman had a group of friends outside his home protecting him, as Kevin Kelly and a camera crew filmed an interview with Pillman and his wife inside.
Sure enough, Austin breaks through the group and into Pillman's house. What does Pillman do? He pulls a 9mm handgun out and points it at a stunned Austin, as Pillman's wife (or Kevin Kelly... no one could tell) let's out a high pitched scream.
Of course, the camera feed cuts out. The director of RAW reaches out to then-announcer, Vince McMahon to say that there had been several "sounds like explosions" heard over the audio feed from Pillman's home.
Naturally, the video feed comes back just in time for the end of RAW. What do we see? Pillman's friends dragging Austin from the house, while a frantic Pillman threatens to "shoot that son of a bitch". Interestingly, in the heat of the moment, Pillman also lets the f-bomb fly - something that the WWE couldn't edit out of the live feed.
Both Brian Pillman and the WWE would eventually apologize, not only for the f-bomb but for the whole angle all together. It would be the last time a gun would appear on RAW, but also the beginning of the "beat him up in his own living room" angles (Orton vs. HHH, anyone?).
It's been a big week in fantasy land: Alberto Del Rio is wrestling everyone, Mark Henry scored more than sixty points in a non-title match and Evan Bourne is shockingly relevant. Let's jump right in with the Slops and Props.
Props:
1) Evan Bourne: Really? Really?? REALLY!? The little engine that could is a part of the new tag team duo that I have dubbed Trix. (Silly smarks, Trix are for kids!) Trix's recent ascension to the Tag Team Championship has lead to serious points for Bourne, who not only scored 30 points for winning the belt, but also nabbed a cool 40 for getting the pin in both of their matches. He's outscored everyone but Del Rio and Henry and is the sole reason that Moose's team is in second place.
2) Alberto Del Rio: He's the WWE Champion, he's got 10,000 automobiles and he goes on SmackDown so the other MITB winner can job for him. Hell, his personal ring announcer has scored more points than Randy Orton. ADR es en fuego.
3) John Triton drops Zack Ryder for Ricardo Rodriguez: John Triton knows a good thing when he sees it and he knows that Ric-Rod is going to be racking up the mic points. He also knows that WWE Superstar and walking AXE body spray advertisement Zack Ryder isn't going over anytime soon. At least Ryder can rest easy knowing he has the highest ratio of crowd signs to matches won in the WWE Universe.
Slops:
1) Mark Henry: I know he scored a bunch of points during the Battle Royal, but he spent half the match outside the ring. I could make some terribly crude remarks about having to sit out half the match because he's so fat. I could say that "Weird Al" Yankovic wrote the song "Fat" about him, or that when he sits around the house he indeed sits around the outside of his house. But the fine readers of RiR are too classy for that brand of humor, so we'll just leave that stone unturned.
2) Rey Mysterio: In case you were unaware, Mr. 619 is going to be out for a few months after having surgery on his knee. This news comes as a serious blow to fantasy owners and nine-year-old kids everywhere. As an Alberto Del Rio owner, I'm saddened that he will not be jobbing for the champ anytime soon.
3) John Cena, Randy Orton, CM Punk, Christian: These fellas might not be aware, but combined they've been outscored by Evan Bourne. REALLY!?!?
NBC has purchased a wrestling drama set in the 1980s from the Jerry Bruckheimer. Yes, the very same Jerry Bruckheimer who created all those mediocre TV shows that rerun in a constant loop on cable.
I know what you're thinking. Fictionalizing wrestling? How could it be done? But never fear, for The Rock himself will be bringing it - whatever "it" is - to the show as an executive producer.
Whether the one-hour show will cover the dramatized lives of real Superstars, or delve completely into the world of make believe has yet to be revealed. Writers and co-executive producers are to include Brent Fletcher and Kevin Fahey, both of the great Spartucus: Gods of the Arena (which I'm sure you've all watched like 100 times, OMG).
Del Rio wastes no time this week in getting to the ring. His car is worth $225,000 and is the newest in a line of more expensive rides Alberto has used since realizing his destino. We see highlights of his match against Mysterio last week. Apparently the vicious cross arm breaker Del Rio applied has left Rey’s knee devastated enough for surgery. He’ll be out for several months.
Cena rudely interrupts Del Rio’s pontification before it can begin. He reintroduces himself to the champ. Yeah, we all know who you are, John. Jesus. Dude cannot just sit backstage and watch when the belt is out there. Cena taunts Del Rio, asking: “Am I supposed to believe you own 10,000 automobiles?” Woah, watch that kayfabe!
Punk enters, asking if this is a rerun: “John Cena wants another title match. I’ve seen this one before.” Nailed it! Cena continues to mock ADR and address Punk with a strange mix familiarity and respect. John seems to want to be Punk’s bestie, now. It is lonely at the top, I guess.
But Alberto reminds us that he is the champ. Punk agrees, saying that someone behind the scenes wanted it that way, referring to Del Rio as Birdo, or possibly Berto. Not sure, but either way he believes he deserves a rematch over John. “Your championship clause exists as much as Santa Claus,” he says. Non-PG alert! There are kiddies all over the place, dude!
Mr. H’s sets things up from here: No. 1 Contenders match between Cena and Punk as tonight’s main event. Things just got real, guys.
Alberto Del Rio vs. John Morrison
A win for the champ here, but by no means was it a squash match. Things were pretty even throughout and Morrison put some good stuff over on Del Rio, including making him bleed around the eye. Are those rhinestone pants legal? Could be sharp.
In the end, Morrison attempts Starship Pain, but Albie gets out of the way. Del Rio locks in the cross arm breaker and John taps out.
Eve Torres vs. Nikki Bella
A quick match, thankfully. Eve pulls some typical booty popping, of which Lawler says he is a big fan. No kidding! Eve wins with a spinning neckbreaker.
Beth Phoenix and Natalya enter to sarcastically applaud, again. I’m eager to see Beth wrestle, but I think they’re actually doing a decent job of building suspense with this storyline. The less she wrestles the more I want to see her.
Jack Swagger vs. Alex Riley
Again!? Really? Really? REALLY?
Triple H, Kevin Nash and CM Punk promo:
H’s invites Nash out to back up his claim that the two worked out this SummerSlam text business. Nash is very concerned that Trips wants to take away his manhood. Mr. H’s is very concerned that Kevin is not on his payroll. Punk is very concerned with the contents of Stephanie McMahon’s purse.
Big Sexy attacks Punk, and H’s is forced to escort him from the ring. Despite Nash’s considerable rust on the mic (WHAT?), this storyline is intriguing, if not outright entertaining. Who is really behind these mysterious text messages? Who wants Birdo to be champ? Who did Kevin Nash’s dye job? Because you missed a spot in the back there, guy.
Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty
The announcers talk about the coming main event between Cena and Punk for the majority of this match, which is a bit disappointing because it was actually a good tag team match. We got to see a great display of pure power against high-flying acrobatics.
Evan hits the Air Bourne to finish the champs off and he and Kofi do a great job of celebrating like this is an actual goal they have been trying to accomplish for months, rather than a whim from last week. They get big pops from the crowd, probably because they at least know one of the two guys in this team.
Meanwhile, backstage
John Lauranitis informs Mr. H’s that Nash was in a car accident and Trips takes the bait immediately, leaving for the hospital. John stares longingly – or perhaps diabolically – after him. Which is weird, right?
The Miz and R-Truth promo
Not only were these two hilarious, they generated some great heat from the Canadian crowd. My words probably can’t do justice, so I really suggest you just watch it again:
CM Punk vs. John Cena
Dear guy at Raw who threw back Cena’s shirt TWICE,
You are awesome and you should feel good. Thank you for being you.
Love,
The Miche
The look on Cena’s face when he tossed it back to the same spot was great. It was like he was thinking, “Haha, good one. But I know you want my shirt for real.” NO! WE DON’T! Punk rubs salt on the wound. “They didn’t throw my shirt back,” he says after throwing his shirt to the same place.
These two consistently fight good, entertaining matches. I don’t know if anything will ever come close to the Chicago crowd, but I still love watching Cena and Punk give it their all. Punk mocks the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but his bravado goes on a bit too long and Cena counters.
Both men kick out of the other’s finisher. Cena takes a kick to the head and it looks like Punk is about to hit another GTS for the finish when Nash – not looking like he was in a serious car accident in the slightest – distracts him. What the devil is going on here?
Superlatives
Who got got?
“I believe Santino Marella just got got.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, Cole.
Most predictable moment
We all knew Kevin Nash had not been in a car accident, right? Classic misdirect.
Most awkward moment
Dolph Ziggler apparently takes a hand to Vickie Guerrero and the crowd is unsure if they should be offended or not. Obviously you should never hit a lady, but on the other hand it is Vickie Guerrero.
