SummerSlam Preview: Staff Predictions

Who will be the winners and losers come Sunday? Who will entertain us? Who will we barely tolerate? How many spiders - real or imaginary - will R-Truth encounter? Are Fruity Pebbles magically delicious, or is that the other one? Here are the answers to some of these questions from a few of our staff.

Also, be sure to check out our SummerSlam poll to make your own predictions!



Who will win in John Cena vs. CM Punk?

The Miche: Punky.
Moose: John Cena
Goose: Punk.
Mapes: Cena by DQ.
Sarah: John Cena, although CM Punk will carry the match from start to finish so that Cena doesn't make us Go To Sleep.


Who will win in Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix?

The Miche: Teenage boys. (The potential for nip-slippage is moderately high.)
Moose: John Cena
Goose: Kelly Kelly.
Mapes: Phoenix by hair extensions.
Sarah: This is tough, as I don't want to be on the receiving end of a Glam Slam. I'm going to go with Kelly Kelly. The pink title belt totally brings out the orange of her skin.


Who will win in Randy Orton vs. Christian?

The Miche: I’ll tell you who loses: the Spanish announcers.
Moose: No.
Goose: Randy Orton.
Mapes: Orton. Christian is gonna get his switch flipped.
Sarah: Randy Orton can't lose. Christian will be TKO'd with an RKO and be sent packing.


Who will win in Sheamus vs. Mark Henry?

The Miche: America, surely.
Moose: Mark Henry eats Sheamus. And Cena wins.
Goose: Sheamus.
Mapes: Sheamus, but he might want to make sure there are no chairs ringside – just in case.
Sarah: No one wins with this match. In fact, we all lose three minutes of our lives, as this match is sure to be super short.


What mid-card matches will we see?

The Miche: My sanity vs. Mark Henry
Moose: Zack Ryder vs. Teddy Long
Goose: Something with Cody Rhodes.
Mapes: Hopefully, something with R-Truth/The Miz/Cody Rhodes.
Sarah: Dolph vs. A-Ry is my favorite mid-card level contender. That A-Ry is just so dreamy, and Dolph needs a serious punch to the balls just for wearing those ridiculous trunks.


Will Alberto Del Rio cash in his MITB?

The Miche: More importantly, will he bash heads in with that briefcase? Yes.
Moose: Third times a charm (no).
Goose: No.
Mapes: Despite the fact that it is his destino, no.
Sarah: Much like we've seen over the past few weeks, he'll try to cash it in when someone is exhausted only to have his plan thwarted by a stealthy ring presence. Anyone want to see Randy Orton punt Alberto Del Rio's head? That's fútbol for ya!


How many minutes for the Divas’ match?

The Miche: Raising Arizona only needs five minutes to kill skinny-fat-ass K2.
Moose: Whatever number keeps the ACLU away. Two?
Goose: Seven.
Mapes: Seven. Which is seven too many.
Sarah: Five minutes if Kelly Kelly starts to flail wildly after having missed several moves in a row. Ten minutes if Beth Phoenix can drag out some serious submission moves. I'd love to see a Figure-4 around the ring post.


How many minutes for the WWE Championship match?

The Miche: Match = full hour. Lame song battle = additional half hour.
Moose: 180.
Goose: 23.
Mapes: 36
Sarah: I give this one at least 30 minutes. They've spent three weeks building it up, plus both superstars have a serious agenda coming in to the match. Ten minutes alone will be dedicated to a variety of HHH issues (i.e someone will accidentally push him or hit him with a spin kick, and he'll have to retaliate).


How many finishers will be applied in the Championship match?

The Miche: Two: GTS to take out Jort-man, then The Miz comes out for a Skull Crushing Finale just for the hell of it. (Please?)
Moose: One. Attitude Adjustment.
Goose: I'm assuming this counts HHH and submission moves. Seven.
Mapes: Five.
Sarah: Are we counting actual finishers or holds? If finishers, I see at least four GTS's being given to Cena (the man just won't quit!), and four sets of standard Five Moves of Doom (for 20 total Doomtastis manuevers).


How many kick outs will there be in the Championship match?

The Miche: It will be groan city. 20, at the least.
Moose: Against John Cena? What kind of stupid question is this? Zero.
Goose: Four.
Mapes: 12.
Sarah: Given my above prediction of no less than eight sets of finishers, I'm going to go with seven MAJOR kick outs, and probably six stupid ones (you know, the kind that happen when someone is just applying a lazy cover).


How many kids will Mysterio touch foreheads with?

The Miche: He is with them in spirit, now.
Moose: Zero. He’s dead. DIDN'T YOU WATCH RAW?
Goose: Zero.
Mapes: Zero. Impossible to complete that maneuver from a stretcher.
Sarah: PPV's always seem to bring out the kids, especially SummerSlam (they're still on summer break), so I'll go with 10.


How many references to Twix?

The Miche: I will shove Twix in my ears.
Moose: 63.5
Goose: Twix-teen.
Mapes: Eight, but Mars should use the ad time to pump up new X-Treme Skittles, instead. X-Treme Skittles: pick up a pack today and get impaled by the rainbow.
Sarah: One between each match, one during each less important match...


How many times will Michael Cole say “vintage”?

The Miche: Five. Also: John Cena sucks for all time. He will never rise from the ashes of his humiliation and shame.
Moose: Four. Better question: How many times will he say John Cena? Answer: Not enough.
Goose: Two.
Mapes: One.
Sarah: Oh, everything about a PPV is vintage. I'll guess a round number like 10, with an over/under margin of 2.


How many times will Lawler creep on Kelly Kelly?

The Miche: Seven. Considering she will lose in embarrassing fashion, Lawler will have maximum opportunity to creep in the guise of sympathy.
Moose: 6 CPM (creeps per min) x 1 Slutbone x 2 min = 12 creeps + 1 LFM (Lawler Finishing Move: "The Roofie")
Goose: Once. It will be an ongoing creep from the moment she comes out until about midway through the following match.
Mapes: Four. He also jumps in the ring to console her after Beth Phoenix destroys her.
Sarah: Given that her match won't last long and she'll have been beaten to a pulp, he can only creep on her during her entrance. How long is the ramp? If it's a Wrestlemania length ramp, he'll have at least four comments to make. If it's a normal ramp, then maybe two.


Will Dolph Ziggler and Vickie break up for good?

The Miche: We can dream.
Moose: NO WAY. VICKLER 4 LYFE.
Goose: Not at SummerSlam.
Mapes: Yes, please.
Sarah: God, I hope so.


Will the SmackDown matches be even a little bit entertaining?

The Miche: As entertaining as John Cena. (That is, not entertaining at all. Not a single iota of entertainment value to be seen.)
Moose: Srsly?
Goose: Of course.
Mapes: Only if Cody Rhodes is involved.
Sarah: Randy Orton vs. Christian will carry the SmackDown matches.


Will Mark Henry eat someone’s babies?

The Miche: I will eat his babies if he doesn’t get off my TV.
Moose: He's still digesting Kharma. So, yes.
Goose: Doubtful.
Mapes: Moms who watch WWE (known from here on out as MWWWWE) are very aware of Mark Henry’s baby-eating tendencies, so my gut says no.
Sarah: He'll eye a toddler, but in the end he'll be occupied with rage-filled violence.


Who is gonna get got?

The Miche: John Cena. Twice.
Moose: Anyone who goes up against John Cena.
Goose: Cena will get got. Look for Triple H interference.
Mapes: Punk. Also, spiders.
Sarah: I think HHH will get got. He thinks he's in control of the main event, but I think CM Punk and John Cena have other plans. Outside of that, any time R-Truth enters the building, Little Jimmy will certainly get got.


Who will go beserk?

The Miche: Moose, when John Cena loses in humiliation and never recovers.
Moose: Josh Mathews.
Goose: The crowd, if Cena wins. Sheamus.
Mapes: Top three superstars most likely to go beserk: 1. Randy Orton 2. R-Truth, if he sees a spider 3. Randy Orton
Sarah: R-Truth (if he makes the line up) and the fans when John Cena and CM Punk square off.


Who will be the sorest loser?

The Miche: Little Jimmies everywhere.
Moose: Kozlov.
Goose: Beth Phoenix.
Mapes: Christian. It has to hurt being thrown through the announcers’ table.
Sarah: Dolph Ziggler and/or Christian


Who will be the biggest braggart?

The Miche: Me, when Cena cries on national television. (For losing. Not happy tears. Unmanly either way, though.)
Moose: Me, when I have more correct predictions than you bitches.
Goose: Sheamus.
Mapes: Orton.
Sarah: CM Punk


Will there be a controversy because of Triple H’s officiating?

The Miche: The “undisputed” part of this match will last about three seconds.
Moose: No.
Goose: The fix is in. See #18.
Mapes: Nope, Mr. H’s has a sterling officiating record and his presence can only enhance the match (in Cena’s favor).
Sarah: Yes, only because he made such a statement about how there WON'T be.


How many times will the Championship match be referred to as “the most important match in WWE history,” or some such similar?

The Miche: Better question: How many times will John Cena lose the Championship match? Answer: All the times.
Moose: Correction: I think you meant Divas match. Answer: 52.
Goose: Seven.
Mapes: Twelve.
Sarah: Fifteen times, for sure.


Just how many invisible people will R-Truth converse with?

The Miche: Why couldn’t it have been follow the butterflies?
Moose: Spiders.
Goose: Probably only two, like always.
Mapes: C’mon. Just the usual two. He’s not that crazy.
Sarah: I think, since it's a major PPV, he'll roll at least two on each side.


CM Punk: will he be his own man or is he being set up to fall on his face?

The Miche: Not John Cena.
Moose: John Cena.
Goose: This seems like a loaded question. He is always his own man.
Mapes: This pretty much says it all.
Sarah: Both.