Raw Recap: 9/12/11

Opening promo

Birdo has decided to call himself the greatest of the great, which seems like a bad move when you’re in Canada. Oh, there it is. Bret Hart is in the building. The Hitman might be the best there ever will be, but his persistence in sticking to this hairstyle despite the effects of aging is basically the definition of the worst. ADR says Bret’s appearance reminds him of the Canadians he hires to clean his house. I was not aware there was a big rivalry between Mexico and Canada, but I like it!

Cena, of course, hates anything that I like so he powers up. He accuses Del Rio of running away like a little bitch. The champ disputes this, but then promptly hides behind the skirts of Ricardo Rodriguez. Cena, who thinks he books Raw now, suggests a Hart vs. Del Rio match. Why not all four, asks Johnny Ace?

John Morrison and Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger

Are you kidding me? We missed Morrison’s intro during the commercial? I love watching that dude’s hair in slow motion. The whole match is just a pretense for more feuding between Jack and Dolph over the heart of Vickie Guerrero. The two argue and refuse to tag the other, resulting in a loss.

R-Truth and The Miz promo

The ever-growing list of people in on the conspiracy against these two now includes BS Punk and possibly ninjas. Both believe that they should be the main event every night. Look, I have to agree. It doesn’t get better than this:




The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston

A clean win here for The Miz, despite Truth’s presence at ringside. I’d guess that will be part of the conspiracy when they lose at Night of Champions. I hope they build suspense with this rivalry and really make the fight over the tag team belt exciting. Though with a name like Air Bore, how exciting can it be?

Vickie Guerrero and Kelly Kelly promo

Teddy Bear says that Ziggler will defend his title against Swags, A-Ry and Morrison at Night of Champions. Finally! I’m a fan of Dolph, but he’s had this belt without much competition for way too long. Vickie is upset about this turn of events, and lets Teddy know it. Kelly Kelly suggests that if Vickie were more like her maybe she’d get her way. Ah, so you’re saying it’s all an act, Kelly?


David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Jerry Lawler and Sheamus

And McGuillicutty speaks! Lawler continues to insist that the former tag team champs have no personality. Otunga and McGuill do pretty much nothing to prove him wrong. Sheamus hits a couple of Braugh Kicks, then an Irish Cross for the pin on McGuill. Blah, blah, blah, whatever.

Meanwhile, backstage

Ric-Rod apparently thinks milk is an aphrodisiac? He might be trying to give Birdo a hint, but the champ just seems disgusted.


John Cena and Bret Hart vs. Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez

Surprise, surprise! Bret Hart doesn’t actually wrestle. Cena squashes Ric, while Birdo does everything he can to stay out of the ring. John finishes Ric-Rod off with the AA and tags Hart in for a sharpshooter. This was almost entirely pointless.

Kelly Kelly vs. Vickie Guererro

Another pretense of a match to build up the Swagger-Ziggler feud. A ringside argument breaks out into a fight and Vickie is distracted enough for Kelly Kelly to easily roll her up for the win. One last win before Beth takes that belt from her, I hope.


Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

I’m really not a fan of this brand integration thing, but Orton and Rhodes are two people I wouldn’t mind seeing on Raw every week. Cody’s very deliberate way of speaking is captivating and amusing at the same time. And Randy Orton is just a sadistic son-of-a-bitch.

Mark Henry is at ringside for most of this match to distract Randy with his impending doom. It’s enough to allow Rhodes to get in a hit with his face mask and finish Orton off with the Cross Rhodes.

CM Punk and Triple H promo

OK, this thing started off with the same old complaints from Punk and the same old deflections from Mr. H’s, but boy did it take off at the end.

Punk claims that H’s and Vince both believe that smaller guys have no place in the ring and that, as a result, Punk has been held back. Hunter disagrees, referencing the likes of Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and Rey Mysterio. Point H’s.

H’s tells Punk to stop worrying about his opinion and focus on what the fans think about him. Punk asks if Trips is even listening to the fans, who immediately begin a chant for Punk. Point Punk.

Trips says Punk will know he’s made it big when Seven Eleven is begging him to be on slushie cups and not the other way around. Punk asks where his ice cream bars are, in that case. Point Punk.

Mr. H’s points out all the opportunities Punk has accumulated over the years that he claims he has been overlooked: titles, main events, MITB briefcases. Perhaps it’s his own fault he’s not over? Point H’s.

Triple H advises Punk to be more like John Cena. Uh, no thank you. Point Punk.

H’s says that no matter how Punk tries to spin their match to be about business, it’s all personal now. QUITE FRANKLY, Trips is just a man. A man who will kick some skinny skinny fat ass on Sunday. Punk counters that his quest for the holy grail will not end until he sees H’s gone.

Then, shit gets real, guys. “This isn’t CM Punk talking to Triple H, this is Phil Brooks talking to Paul Levesque,” and cue the mic cut off. H’s offers his own, but that also goes out with just one utterance of “Paul”. A third mic is found, but Punk uses that to bash H’s head in.

Superlatives

Who got got?

Triple H, who not only loses the points battle, but also gets a nice bump on his forehead from that mic. I think it was a little real, guys.

Most predictable moment

The loss suffered by David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty. Why are these two still employed at this point? To put Jerry Lawler over?

Most awkward moment

Kelly Kelly has a difficult time remembering all of three lines and stares over Vickie’s shoulder during their backstage promo, most likely at cue cards.

Raw Recap: 8/29/11

It's tough to pull away from "The Bachelor Pad", but we are watching Raw live tonight, no DVR. I do it all for my fans.


Opening promo:

Mr. H's starts off tonight to announce tonight's Super Raw (Yay! SmackDown stars! I hope Jinder Mahal is here!) and address Kevin Nash's fake car accident last week. He is quickly joined by CM Punk, wearing Jeff Hardy's boots, and Nash. It got started a little slow with Nash and Mr. H's working out their problems. Thankfully, we've got CM Punk in the ring, who pretty much said my thoughts exactly when he called Nash gimpy and boring. If it was me, I would have said something along the lines of him looking like he's trying out for a "Just for Men" commercial. Punk then sets his sights on Mr. H's, who he berates until he gives us a Nash vs. CM Punk match for NOC.

I can't see Nash being able to wrestle a match up to the standards CM Punk has set for his matches, so I think something will be up with that match. My guess is that is where Mr. H's finally gives us the heel turn. He is really starting to look like a bitch lately next to Punk, so it's about time he gets one over on him.


Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton

Ziggler gets off to a hot start, likely due to the Cougar necklace that his manager is wearing. Orton turns it around and actually lands a Superplex(!) on Dolph. We go back and forth a little more, until Dolph gives Randy a little Sweet Chin Music.

The match finally ends with Randy reversing a sleeper hold into a modified powerbomb followed by a RKO. That was actually a really good match. It's good to see that the stink of SmackDown hasn't affected Randy yet. Props to Dolph too. I'm actually intrigued by this Vickie Guerrero/Swagger/Ziggler storyline right now.


John Cena promo:

It's been about 40 minutes and they haven't even mentioned Cena. Thankfully, he's out next. John tells us that we should be here right now. Luckily, he's coming to Columbus next week! Has anybody ever listened to the words of Cena's entrance? Tonight's introduction ends with my favorite line of the song: "I'll brush your mouth like Colgate." That's why I love Cena. He can talk smack using personal hygiene.

Wow, Cena gets beeped and says anus in the span of two sentences. A couple of second grade teachers are going to have a rough day tomorrow. Unfortunately, Mark Henry comes out and talks about some SmackDown stuff. The fans make it even worse with the stupid "WHAT?" chant. Not sure if I am the only one on the RiR staff who feels this way, but I hate that bit. A lot of great heel promos get ruined with that stuff. Anyway, other people come out and it looks like we will get Cena and Sheamus vs. Christian and Mark Henry.

Meanwhile, backstage

We cut to John Laurinaitis who ends up getting confronted by Mr. H's. The real wild card in this whole storyline is this what Lauranitis has to do with all of this. He's mostly been in the background, but they've been mentioning him a lot more on this episode. Feels like he going to play a prominent role before it's all said and done.


The Miz vs. CM Punk

Punk's boots look a lot better with his trunks then his t-shirt, by the way. The early highlight is when Lawler tells a geography joke. Miz is mostly controlling the match until Punk gets a few moves in. To be honest, the announcers have kind of ruined this match for us, as King and Cole won't shut up. Guys, we are over you. Luckily, action picks up as R-Truth interferes and gets Miz DQ'd. Punk fends them off until Nash comes out to distract him and the beat down starts. My beef with this is why would Miz and Truth, who are complaining about conspiracies, let Nash take all the spotlight? If I were them, I'd kick Nash's ass. That will get you some attention.


Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger

Sin Cara wins with a lionsault when Dolph distracts Swagger because he is jealous of the whole Guerrero/Swagger thing going on. I have a little less faith in this whole angle now that someone in it lost to Sin Cara. Forget what I said earlier.


Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty

It's a rematch for the Tag Titles, probably because David Otunga used that rematch clause that his agent was so savvy to include. We learn that the new Bourne/Kingston tag team will be called Air Boom, as suggested by a WWE fan. Darn it, I really thought they might like my submission of Air Bore, amirite?. Anyway, unsurprisingly Bourne and Kofi take it.


Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella

The Bella twins pull the old switcharoo once again for the victory. I will be curious to see how they score that match. Brie was the legal winner, but Nikki won the match. The life of a WWE statistician is one I do not envy.


Commercial Break

As a big fan of WWE films (I went to the theatre all four days that "12 Rounds" was out), I was excited to see the trailer for their new movie "Laundromat Knights". It surprises me that they are going to try a romantic comedy with all the success they have had in action films, but this one looks like a winner. For those who didn't see the trailer, it stars Evan Bourne as a successful investment banker who falls for the local, lowly laundromat girl played by Mandy Moore. It also stars Jason Biggs as Evan's down-to-earth friend and Vladimir Koslov as the evil laundromat owner. Looking forward to that one!


John Cena and Sheamus vs. Mark Henry and Christian

The subplot of this match is that Henry gets the winner tomorrow between Orton and Christian at NOC, so maybe a double-cross is in the books. Heels get the early advantage, until Sheamus gets the hot tag to Cena who cleans house. Faces end up winning the match with the combination of a Brogue Kick and FU on Christian. Wouldn't hold my breath tomorrow for a win if I was Christian fan after that.

Ending promo:

We think that Raw ends, but they cut back to Mr. H's in the dressing room who is approached by Punk. Mr. H's lets Punk know that his match with Nash has been canceled. After Punk berates him a little more, Mr. H's informs him that he still will have a match at NOC, only against Mr. H's himself.

This confirms my earlier premonition, as there was no way Nash could wrestle a whole match. They did a good job of bypassing the Nash match without making him look weak. Overall, the set up has been pretty intriguing so far. A Punk vs. Mr. H's match has been teased recently with Punk calling him a doofus during his now famous rant, and showing up a comic-com. I think the WWE has done a great job of taking the story to its likely ending point while keeping a couple of wild cards. It will be interesting to see what Nash has to say about this next week, as well as what role, if any, he plays in their match.


Superlatives

Who got got?

John Laurinaitis gets told what's what by Trips.

Most predictable moment

A tie between The Miz and Dolph Ziggler losing. You had to know who would win as soon as those matches were announced, right?

Most awkward moment

Natalya and Beth Phoenix rant backstage about how they're not jealous of Kelly Kelly. But they're totally jealous of Kelly Kelly.

Raw Recap: 8/22/11

Opening promo

Del Rio wastes no time this week in getting to the ring. His car is worth $225,000 and is the newest in a line of more expensive rides Alberto has used since realizing his destino. We see highlights of his match against Mysterio last week. Apparently the vicious cross arm breaker Del Rio applied has left Rey’s knee devastated enough for surgery. He’ll be out for several months.

Cena rudely interrupts Del Rio’s pontification before it can begin. He reintroduces himself to the champ. Yeah, we all know who you are, John. Jesus. Dude cannot just sit backstage and watch when the belt is out there. Cena taunts Del Rio, asking: “Am I supposed to believe you own 10,000 automobiles?” Woah, watch that kayfabe!

Punk enters, asking if this is a rerun: “John Cena wants another title match. I’ve seen this one before.” Nailed it! Cena continues to mock ADR and address Punk with a strange mix familiarity and respect. John seems to want to be Punk’s bestie, now. It is lonely at the top, I guess.

But Alberto reminds us that he is the champ. Punk agrees, saying that someone behind the scenes wanted it that way, referring to Del Rio as Birdo, or possibly Berto. Not sure, but either way he believes he deserves a rematch over John. “Your championship clause exists as much as Santa Claus,” he says. Non-PG alert! There are kiddies all over the place, dude!

Mr. H’s sets things up from here: No. 1 Contenders match between Cena and Punk as tonight’s main event. Things just got real, guys.


Alberto Del Rio vs. John Morrison

A win for the champ here, but by no means was it a squash match. Things were pretty even throughout and Morrison put some good stuff over on Del Rio, including making him bleed around the eye. Are those rhinestone pants legal? Could be sharp.

In the end, Morrison attempts Starship Pain, but Albie gets out of the way. Del Rio locks in the cross arm breaker and John taps out.


Eve Torres vs. Nikki Bella

A quick match, thankfully. Eve pulls some typical booty popping, of which Lawler says he is a big fan. No kidding! Eve wins with a spinning neckbreaker.

Beth Phoenix and Natalya enter to sarcastically applaud, again. I’m eager to see Beth wrestle, but I think they’re actually doing a decent job of building suspense with this storyline. The less she wrestles the more I want to see her.


Jack Swagger vs. Alex Riley

Again!? Really? Really? REALLY?


Triple H, Kevin Nash and CM Punk promo:

H’s invites Nash out to back up his claim that the two worked out this SummerSlam text business. Nash is very concerned that Trips wants to take away his manhood. Mr. H’s is very concerned that Kevin is not on his payroll. Punk is very concerned with the contents of Stephanie McMahon’s purse.

Big Sexy attacks Punk, and H’s is forced to escort him from the ring. Despite Nash’s considerable rust on the mic (WHAT?), this storyline is intriguing, if not outright entertaining. Who is really behind these mysterious text messages? Who wants Birdo to be champ? Who did Kevin Nash’s dye job? Because you missed a spot in the back there, guy.


Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty

The announcers talk about the coming main event between Cena and Punk for the majority of this match, which is a bit disappointing because it was actually a good tag team match. We got to see a great display of pure power against high-flying acrobatics.

Evan hits the Air Bourne to finish the champs off and he and Kofi do a great job of celebrating like this is an actual goal they have been trying to accomplish for months, rather than a whim from last week. They get big pops from the crowd, probably because they at least know one of the two guys in this team.

Meanwhile, backstage

John Lauranitis informs Mr. H’s that Nash was in a car accident and Trips takes the bait immediately, leaving for the hospital. John stares longingly – or perhaps diabolically – after him. Which is weird, right?

The Miz and R-Truth promo

Not only were these two hilarious, they generated some great heat from the Canadian crowd. My words probably can’t do justice, so I really suggest you just watch it again:




CM Punk vs. John Cena

Dear guy at Raw who threw back Cena’s shirt TWICE,

You are awesome and you should feel good. Thank you for being you.

Love,
The Miche

The look on Cena’s face when he tossed it back to the same spot was great. It was like he was thinking, “Haha, good one. But I know you want my shirt for real.” NO! WE DON’T! Punk rubs salt on the wound. “They didn’t throw my shirt back,” he says after throwing his shirt to the same place.



These two consistently fight good, entertaining matches. I don’t know if anything will ever come close to the Chicago crowd, but I still love watching Cena and Punk give it their all. Punk mocks the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but his bravado goes on a bit too long and Cena counters.

Both men kick out of the other’s finisher. Cena takes a kick to the head and it looks like Punk is about to hit another GTS for the finish when Nash – not looking like he was in a serious car accident in the slightest – distracts him. What the devil is going on here?

Superlatives

Who got got?

“I believe Santino Marella just got got.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, Cole.

Most predictable moment

We all knew Kevin Nash had not been in a car accident, right? Classic misdirect.

Most awkward moment

Dolph Ziggler apparently takes a hand to Vickie Guerrero and the crowd is unsure if they should be offended or not. Obviously you should never hit a lady, but on the other hand it is Vickie Guerrero.

SummerSlam Synopsis

Unless you were hiding under Mark Henry the past few days, you probably know what happened at SummerSlam by now. Nevertheless, it is our duty here at Raw is Real to give you color commentary that you can't find anywhere else.


Raw Heels vs. Raw Faces:

Miz comes out wearing his duster. Vintage Miz! Can anyone pull off the duster better than him? I don't think so. Miz comes out to thank us for our insistence that he compete at SummerSlam. I think his biggest proponent at this point is probably George Lopez. If you didn't know, his show was canceled. What?!? Yeah, he had a show and Miz was a frequent guest. I think Lopez is hoping to either become Miz's manager or secure a spot at the coveted Spanish announcers' table.

Anyways, there is a match and the faces win. Mysterio, Morrison and Kingston beat Miz, Del Rio and Truth.


CM Punk Promo:

OMG! Stephanie McMahon makes an appearance. CM Punk makes some hilarious jokes and goes on to refuse a handshake from her, because "he knows where that hand has been." THE FIX IS IN!


Mark Henry vs. Sheamus

If you weren't aware, Mark Henry has been making heads roll on SmackDown. It's OK if you didn't know, because Mark Henry is on.... SmackDown. (Which sucks, if you hadn't heard.) Sheamus has decided to stand up to him. Some people don't like big man matches. I am one of those people, but I thought this was a great match. Mark Henry looks brutal throughout the match, and ends up winning by count out after he plows Sheamus through a wall. It was pretty nuts. If you don't believe me, just ask this guy:

Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

OMG so hot!

My girl Kelly Kelly wins after she counters the Glam Slam into a quick roll up. ONE TWO THREE!


Wade Barrett vs. Daniel Bryan

Daniel Bryan is about as over as CM Punk's blood alcohol level. He comes out to crickets, who immediately realize it's Daniel Bryan and stop chirping. Did you know he has like 300 submission moves? Oh, you didn't? I don't blame you, because he's on... SmackDown. Anyway, the match itself is pretty even. It was a well-wrestled match, but in the end Wade Barret wins with WASTELAND!


Christian vs. Randy Orton

Hit the switch! It's Christian! No wait, please keep watching. I was just kidding, don't hit the switch. Anyways, he's on my fantasy team so I have to like him. Don't make fun of me. I COULD NOT PASS UP ON THE VALUE. He has a huge announcement, btw. Since anything goes, he is going to have his best friend come out and be in his corner. Could it really be Edge, the rated R superstar?! OMG, IT IS EDGE! He dances around for a bit then just lays into Christian for being such a crybaby. (Christian should revoke Edge's BFF necklace.) Any publicity is good publicity, I say. I also say that because Christian is on my fantasy team.

Orton comes out doused in what appears to be three bottles of baby oil, then the match starts. This was a very good match. I'd say it was possibly the best of the show. Christian gets RKO'd through the Spanish announcers' table and George Lopez is mad that he wasn't there. There are kendo sticks left and right. Orton is bleeding all over the place. Christian gets thrown through not one, but two tables. Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

If you're counting, this match probably accounted for 77 fantasy points. There are steel steps in the ring. And garbage cans! Just look at this. It's a f***ing jungle gym!

Orton eventually wins by RKO'ing Christian on top of those steel steps. We've seen this ending before, but that doesn't stop it from being awesome. Orton has to have one of the best finishers in the WWE today.


CM Punk vs. John Cena

Here it is. The reason you bought SummerSlam. (We know you're all good WWE fans and watched this legally.) Who is going to be the "undisputed" champion? Without doubt, the match was great, but it wasn't MITB quality. The crowd in Chicago really made that match something special.

I found myself waiting the whole time for Triple H to screw someone over. He eventually did by "accident" but it wasn't the screwjob that I was expecting. The match was slow and methodical. Fellow blogger and Cena mark John Triton was extremely worried that Punk would win after he countered several of Cena's signature moves. Punk fought out of the STF and countered the Attitude Adjustment a number of times.

Punk eventually hits a second Go To Sleep and gets the ONE TWO THREE. BUT CENA'S FOOT WAS ON THE ROPE. Mr. H's misses a vital call, and gives the match to Punk. Since Cena has a ton of respect - but not much hustle - he leaves the ring without too much of a fuss.

BUT WHAT THE F. Big Sexy Kevin Nash comes out of nowhere and Power Bombs my boy. OK, Prick. Ruin the celebration. Whatever, he's still the unanimous WWE Champ.

BUT WHAT THE F AGAIN! Alberto Del Rio runs down into the ring and cashes in his briefcase. No way he can win, right!? He kicks Punk in the head and gets the win faster than it takes JR to tap out of Swagger's ankle lock. Del Rio is the new undisputed champion. If there was a best Heel heel award, this would be it:

Overall, this was a very entertaining PPV. Definitely second best of the year behind MITB.

Raw Recap: 8/15/11

Opening promo:

The Game apologizes for totally botching the shit out of that match he officiated at SummerSlam the night before. He cops to his mistake and declares his intention to look Cena in the eye and apologize. I assumed he meant to do this in the ring, but we see him enter Johnny’s room backstage later. I mean, seriously? We have to watch people sign contracts practically once a month, but Mr. H’s begging John Cena for forgiveness is too private for the rest of the WWE Universe?

Trips also claims that his bestest bestie for life Kevin Nash acted alone, much like Lee Harvey Oswald. To quote R-Truth, I think there’s a C-O-N-spiracy afoot. Stephanie McMahon sure is… around. What might that be about?

Alberto Del Rio promo:

ADR enters as the official undisputed WWE champion. The man is just glowing now that he has finally realized his destino. And he wants to be everything a true WWE champ should be. He will be in the lobby to sign autographs and take pictures with the kiddies, he says. He is generating some serious heat from all these Rey Mysterio disciples.

Albie knows he will face his first title defense later against Rey, and he is quite pleased about it. “Everytime I wake up in the morning, I ask myself: Alberto Del Rio, what do you feel like doing today? I feel like beating Rey Mysterio.” Don’t we all?

John Morrison vs. R-Truth:

Falls count anywhere in this match, which was apparently requested by JoMo. Michael Cole says he’s been waiting a long time to fight Truth. It has been a rather long week, I guess.

The match is action-packed from the beginning. Morrison is a fantastic seller. Half the time when he flops down onto the floor like a dead fish, I am really worrying about his position on my fantasy roster. JoMo wins by throwing himself into Truth on an announcer’s chair. The headrest looked pretty soft to me, but I guess this is devastating for Truth and Morrison covers easily.

The Miz promo:

My boy is out in the ring, looking dapper and selling some God damn Subway sandwiches. Jared “McLovin” Fogel pretends he is not a fan of the Awesome One, but I’m not fooled. The Miz sells the shit out of that sub, crushing it in his powerful fists. Millions of people probably had to pause their DVRs and run out to get some Subway because the cravings were so strong. I know I did.

Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres vs. The Bella Twins

Whatever. My eyes glazed over until my girl Beth and her platonic life partner Natalya arrived to sarcastically clap at Kelly Kelly.

Kevin Nash promo:

Nash implies – though never outright states – that he received a text from Trips asking him to stick the winner of the SummerSlam title match. Kevin’s loyalty is only surpassed by how gross his beard is, so he was happy to oblige. It’s just business, Nash says. So, loyalty to friends = business? OK, let’s just roll with it.

Punk interrupts with his incredulousness. Either Nash or Mr. H’s must be lying. I’m concerned about Punk’s cognitive abilities if he literally can’t think of a third scenario. He declines Nash’s offer to see the text on his phone and instead reads one from his sister: “OMG. Kevin Nash. WTF. Thought he was dead. LOL.” Oh, snap!

These two trade insults for some time, during which Punk shows off his superior mic abilities. Eventually, Punk tires of talking and attempts to settle things in the ring (for once) and suddenly there is security all up in this bitch. Punk runs away to find Mr. H’s and whine about how Kevin isn’t playing fair. Man, there is a lot of tension between these two all of a sudden!

Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger:

We return from commercial break to an invasion of Vickler at the announcers’ table. Dolph keeps making not-so-vague references to Vickie’s interference in his match against A-Ry last week. Lawler makes about five fat jokes about a woman who is not fat and is certainly in better shape than him. The WWE, ladies and gentlemen!

The annoying sniping from the announcers distracts from a boring and technically bad match, to be honest. Vickie ends up stealing JR’s hat and somehow distracts the official with it, scoring a win for Swags. Jack catches up with Vickie backstage to recommend she expand her client base. Really, Vickie? You can do better.

David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston:

I’m not going to lie to my possibly half a dozen faithful readers: I left the room to get a piece of cake during this match. It was leftover birthday cake and it was f***ing delicious. When I returned, Kofi and Evan had won and were gesturing to invisible belts as if issuing a challenge. It seems like a well-suited team to me and hopefully Kofi and Mickey Mouse will present a legit and interesting challenge to the tag team champs.

Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio:

This is as exciting a match as any that include Mysterio. That is to say, not very. Rey tries to pull a 619, but Alberto counters with his knees and rolls him up for a three count. Albie is so enthusiastic about his first title defense that he decides to beat up Mysterio after the bell.

John Cena, of course, is having none of it. He saves Lil’ Rey, then rants about Del Rio’s cowardice in cashing in his MITB on a destroyed Punk. Apparently, Cena has never heard of Money in the Bank before. Del Rio and Rodriguez mock him with what can only be described as “scaredy fingers” as they back out with the belt.

So, the foundations are in place for Cena and Del Rio to fued over the title (because John Cena couldn’t possibly be a part of a storyline that did not include the championship). Meanwhile, Punk will forget about his deep-seated hatred of everything Cena stands for and fued for a while with Kevin Nash over text messages like high school girls. Got this all tied up with a bow, don’t you Mr. H’s?

Superlatives:

Who got got?
Jared the Subway Guy, who was rendered speechless by the theft of his sandwich and This Miz's superior abilities as a spokesman.

Most predictable moment:
Rey Mysterio jobbing to Alberto Del Rio. All Mysterio does these days is touch foreheads with kids and job to the title.

Most awkward moment:
It takes a shameful three attempts for Jack Swagger to hit a gutwrench suplex on Alex Riley, as he hangs there like dead weight.

Raw Recap: 8/8/11

Opening promo:

This was fairly boring. Trips sells the champion vs champion match for SummerSlam. I was too busy looking at the troll face sign behind him, so I totally missed him say he will be officiating the match. This adds an interesting element. I don't understand why he would officiate if he wasn't going to interfere in some way. It adds a bit of unpredictability to the match and I feel the WWE has done well in that respect.

 

Mr. H's says Punk and Cena will be having squash matches tonight. Cena will wrestle next.


John Cena vs. Jack Swagger

Cena comes out first and then they cut to commercial. By the time the commercial break ends, the poor fans in the arena have been listening to Cena's shitty intro music for about 10 minutes. Imagine running a mile with "ba na na naaaaah" on repeat. Are you imagining it? Heinous, right?

We still don't know who Cena's opponent is, but finally the All American American comes out. He doesn't do his push ups, so you know he's going to lose. He's flustered. He does do his airplane run around the ring, though. Swagger botches half a dozen moves before Cena wins with the Five Moves of Doom.

Alberto Del Rio promo:

He speaks some Spanish and calls Punk the voice of the Godless. Or gutless. I couldn't really tell. Either way gets his point across, I guess. He's going to be facing Punk later in the night. Is it Thanksgiving? Because there appear to be plentiful helpings of squash.


R-Truth promo:

Dude is crazy. Josh Josherston starts the interview by asking Truth why he would hurt his friend John Morrison (...four months after the fact). Truth proceeds to not answer the question, instead asking several of his own. It's established that there may or may not be 10 hot dogs per package. Josh doesn't say anything else. If you're counting fantasy points, that's five right there for a perfect promo!

Rey Mysterio gets his ass beat:

Mysterio comes out and only gets through half of his pyrotechnics before Miz enters and just brutally beats the shit out of him. Like, to the point where I thought it was a little real. Cole then goes to interview Miz and Miz cuts an intense promo. Well, it was intense until he mentioned the reason he should be noticed is because he is trending worldwide on twitter and he presented at the Teen Choice Awards. High accolades, Miz. After the dust clears, Mr. H's makes Miz face Kofi Kingston - to the excitement of nobody.

The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston:

This is a really good match. Kofi got to hit some high flying spots, while Miz was selling his frustration in the ring. In the end, Miz counters one of Kofi's moves, dazes him by throwing him onto the top rope, and hits a Skull Crushing Finale for the win. Despite the impressive victory, as of this moment Miz is still not on the SummerSlam card. (Del Rio, Ziggler, Truth, et al. are probably thinking he can join the club.)


CM Punk promo:

Calls out Trips for having a huge ego. Then says he's going to kick Alberto Del Rio's teeth down his throat. Short and succulent.


CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio:

Del Rio comes out in a 2010 Audi RA 430 HP worth $130,000. King then says the contract in Rio's MITB briefcase is worth a lot more. Um, probably not true. The match itself is pretty short. Del Rio works on Punk's arm for the better part of the match, but Punk eventually wins with the Go To Sleep. Punk sells the arm injury by brushing the ref aside as he tries to raise Punk's arm up.


Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres

Want another helping of squash? Your plate looks empty. (This portion comes with plenty of headband!) Beth wins in pretty convincing fashion with the Glam Slam. Beth is sick of the divas making a mockery of the division: "No more booty popping, no more splits, no more stink faces." King replies, "Takes out about 90 percent of the the fun of the divas division to me." Amen.

Kelly Kelly enters unnoticed and takes out Beth Phoenix from behind. What a buildup for SummerSlam!

Dolph Ziggler vs. Alex Riley

Vintage A-Ry promo. "Vickie, I don't want to say you have bad breath or anything, but it smells like death itself just took a dump in your mouth." So he doesn't want to say she has bad breath, but he does it anyway? What a douche.

Match ends up getting thrown out when Vickie interferes. Ziggler and Vickie get in a fight and then she walks off without him, screeching like a disgruntled weasel.

Twix: Twix it up with Twix!

Brought to you by Twix. Sometimes your day is just a Twixer-upper.... Twix it up with Twix!


R-Truth vs. John Morrison

Another pretty good match. JoMo hits his usual spots. Truth hits some vicious moves, as well. In the end, Truth wins with his finisher. I still don't know what it's called.


CM Punk and John Cena contract signing:

Just another epic promo from these two men. Mr. H's and John Laurinaitis are out here, too, but they really don't say much. And The Rock makes a surprise appearance! I don't want to sell this promo short so please watch it. It's well worth the time. It starts at the end of the first video.








Superlatives:

Who got got?
John Laurinaitis gets Mau Tai kicked in the head.

Most predictable moment:
All three squash matches involving Punk, Cena, and Beth Phoenix.

Most awkward moment:
Beth Phoenix was teasing a nip slip for the better part of her match.

Raw Recap: 8/1/11

It's the first Raw Rundown! Cue the classy piano music and slow motion recaps of MITB. Cut to Rey Mysterio jobbing the WWE Title to John Cena. The only way Rey could have lost that title faster was to get in a DeLorean, travel 88 mph and lose it to John Cena before he won it. Anyway, enter CM Punk with his new theme music and you have the intro to Raw. For the first time we have two "legitimate" WWE Champions. At least that's what Cole says. I'm pretty sure they had two people holding the same title before, but I digress. All I know is that the only way this can be resolved is to strip one of these men of their title. There is no possible way there will be a unification match at Summerslam.

Back to Punk. He is getting pretty big pops from the crowd. In his interview with Bill Simmons, Punk says he won't be typecast into a "face" or "heel" role. He will just be Punk. Well, Punk shoots a promo and says he's coming back to make this fun again. He laments that in his two-week absence, the WWE has already reverted to the 'status quo' with John Cena winning the WWE Title. For far too long, the WWE Universe has been fed scraps. Punk will be our savior. He calls out a little jimmy in the crowd and makes fun of his replica belt. Punk doesn't have a belt. He has a Championship Title. He actually calls it the most important title in the world. I don't know if that's true, but sure - I'll bite.

Triple H, hereafter called Mr. H's, blasts his music and makes his way to the ring. Punk is trying to talk over the music, which is humorous. He eventually gives up. "Apparently, it's time to play the game," he says. Punk later makes fun of Mr. H's entrance song by saying something to the effect of "I like Motorhead as much as the next guy, but...".

These two battle it out on the mic for a good 10 minutes. H's thinks Punk is overrated and has a big ego. Punk says they are alike in that respect. He goes on to flip Mr. H's tie in his face while saying "What? Are you gonna punch me? Or do you have to go ask your wife first?" Triple H is trying extremely hard to not crack up, but you can see a very distinct smile on his face. Stop breaking Kayfabe Hunter!

People think Mr. H's is great at cutting promos, but I think he's a bit rusty. He literally called Punk a "skinny, fat ass". Just last week he used the phrase "quite frankly" four times in the span of a two-minute promo. I apologize for the aside. Back to RAW!

My girl Kelly Kelly, Kay-Two, K-squared, is at ringside to watch the hotly anticipated Diva's Battle Royale. The winner will become the next #1 Contender. JR asks K2 who she has her eye on. K2 says she thinks it's Beth's time. God damn spoiler alert Kelly Kelly! Jesus Christ... Well, whatever. Nobody's listening so it probably won't be a big deal. Lawler chimes in to let us know he's got his eyes on Kelly Kelly. Yah, we know.

Divas are literally rolling out of the ring without any form of contact. Gail Kim will not job to the likes of Alicia Fox, so instead of participating she just rolls out of the ring unnoticed. Check her twitter for up-to-date drama. She's over 30, and with this stunt I wouldn't be surprised if she is wished well in her future endeavors.

I'm already in paragraph three for a divas match so I must be doing it wrong. It ends up being Beth Phoenix vs. the Bella Twins. She is a glamazon after all and, if you didn't know, that means a hot amazon or something. So she's strong. Strong enough to lift both Bella twins up on her shoulders and toss them out of the ring to become the new #1 Contender. My girl K2 is sooooo happy for her and goes to give her a hug. HEEL TURN ALERT. She throws K2 out of the ring then just tosses her into the barricade. What a bitch.

My boy Miz and R-Truth are in the back talking conspiracies. They are tag partners for tonight vs. Rey Mysterio and John Morrison. This is actually a really good match. A lot of kickouts, counters, and false finishes. It ends with Truth on the ropes from a Morrison kick to the head. Mysterio is about to go for the six-one-nine. BUT MIZ PULLS HIS LEGS FROM UNDER HIM AND THROWS HIM OUT OF THE RING. Guess it was a dropped call from the 619 area code. Morrison takes out Miz but Truth is still the legal man. Morrison turns around and Truth does his finisher, whatever it's called. ONE! TWO! THREE! Miz gives Morrison a Skull Crushing Finale for good measure, and Truth hits him upside the head with a water bottle. Good. F*** that guy.

Ziggler and Vickie come out to huge heat. Dolph lets us know he's more of a man than any of us. Considering the average WWE fan, that's probably true and I won't refute it. Alex Riley comes out and ruins the party. Cole puts it perfectly: "Go Away." Dolph says things like, "Who are you?" and "I don't even know who you are," like 20 times while A-Ry is ranting. A-Ry challenges Dolph to a fight, but Ziggler is above wrestling no-name talents and just exits the ring.

Commercial break, then enter Alberto Del Rio. He comes out in a classic Rolls Royce. I think we need a segment on the estimated value of his car. It could be a fun poll. Anyways, this one is worth over $100,000, making it one of the more expensive cars he's driven as of late. We are treated to his white waterfall pyro, of which I am a huge fan. For some Godforsaken reason he is wrestling Evan Bourne (who weighs less than I do, by the way). It's your standard squash match. Rio puts him in the arm bar and makes him tap. Then, he celebrates for a bit and puts him in another one for good measure. Kofi comes out to save the day, but nobody cares but Mickey Mouse aka Evan Bourne himself.

Some kind of poll was advertised where you go to vote for the true champ at WWE.com. Can you believe that 54 percent of the WWE Universe thinks Cena is the true champ? Are they f***ing delusional? Did they ask their parents' permission to use the computer first? In no logical world is John Cena the true champion, but I digress.

Just in case you didn't catch it, not a single face won a match. I haven't been watching Raw that long, but that seems pretty rare.

Final promo of the night is about to begin. Hampton from Tiny Toons enters. Oh, I mean John Cena. Hamming it up, as usual. He rolls up to shoot a three-pointer and references Larry Bird. Wow, way to go for cheap pops while you're in Indianapolis, dude! Eventually the big three are in the ring talking about what will happen with the WWE Title(s). I shit you not, but Mr. H's suggests A MATCH AT SUMMERSLAM TO UNIFY THE TITLES. TALK ABOUT A CURVE BALL! If you recall from my first paragraph, I could have sworn Mr. H's would have just stripped the title from one of them.

The show ends with Punk and Cena holding their respective titles up and having an awkward theme song battle. I hope the sound guys got paid extra for that crap.