Raw Recap: 9/26/11

All right, it's time for Raw. Unfortunately my wife tapes every single freaking show on HGTV and Bravo, so I have to watch it in non-HD due to the restrictions of ATT. This will hinder my favorite part of Raw, looking at John Cena's muscles. I would pay a quarter of a million of dollars to have pecs like him. The definition beneath his pectorals is to die for.

Opening promo

Mr. H's starts us off by defending his decision to fire his two most entertaining employees for touching a referee. He then continues with his best Roger Goodell impersonation by also fining Mark Henry $250,000 for attacking his announcers. Unfortunately, Mr. H's declares that a semi truck of Eggos will not suffice as payment. I don't know, fines for abrupt attacks on announcers? Interfering in matches? Either every wrestler is going to have to get a big raise or you might be seeing Mark Henry sweating all over your McChickens at Mickey D's next week.

Next we're joined by Dolph Ziggler, Cody Rhodes and Christian who go about their bitching ways. Mr. H's gets his compensation for all of them by giving us Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler for the US Title, John Cena vs. Christian not for the title (much to Christiana's dismay) and Cody Rhodes in a 10-man battle royal for the Intercontinental Championship.


10-Man Battle Royal

We definitely need a rule change for these matches. I mean this is ridiculous, why does anybody even wrestle in this match. If you can just climb out "underneath" the rope then what's the point of the other people wrestling? Mr H's, why don't you worry about this stuff instead of screwing over heels all the time?

One thing we did learn about the WWE rulebook during this match is that if your evil twin is thrown over the ropes, you are also out much to the chagrin of Sin Cara. Last two standing are Sheamus and Cody Rhodes. I got Rhodes, because seriously, who loses their title in a ten-man battle royal at Raw?

Yep, Rhodes wins after some interference from Christian.


Where's Lawler?

Hey, I love Michael Cole, I'm agreeing with everything he's saying. How is Henry getting fined six figures when Lawler hit him first? Plus he only has bruised ribs. You can't announce Raw with some bruised ribs? Really Lawler? Really? Tony Romo played football with a rib poking through his lung.


Kelly Kelly & Eve vs. Beth Phoenix & Natalya

We get a whole segment of Lawler creeping on Kelly Kelly which means this week's RAWards just hit the jackpot. K2 comes out with Eve who is turning more into Chyna every week. Eve currently holds the title for woman-I-would-least-like-to-get-a-handjob-from. Phoenix wins with a GlamSlam while everyone watching is wishing she and Santino were still an item. Okay, just me.

Mark Henry vs. The Great Khali

Oh God, this will be horrible and as I write that I feel vindicated when I hear Booker claim he's been looking forward to this match. Well thankfully Henry ends it quick with an attack and a world strongest's slam. We get it, he's a monster. But can we go back to separate brands yet? Let's only punish the people who would watch Smackdown with this Mark Henry crap.


John Cena vs. Christian

Finally John Cena comes out. One adjustment I would make to Cena's gameplan is to perhaps try a pin after his sidewalk slam. Sure seems like his opponent stays down after that one. Another thing, if you get a few beers in me, no one does a better John Cena Entrance impression than me. Just don't put too many beers in me or I will try to FU you through a table which will end in me throwing out my back and you taking me to the hospital.

Cena cuts a promo on the sanctity and the insanity of a Hell in a Cell match. I appreciate what you are saying John but there is no way you are going to get me to buy two WWE PPVs two weeks apart.

It's a special Raw tonight as CM Punk returns to the booth which has been my favorite part of his career. I still think CM Punk is all fired up because Cena spilled his Diet Coke. Anyways, with all three of our participants in the main event ringside, Cena beats Christian by DQ when ADR gets involved. We still get Punk vs. ADR tonight so I don't have a good feeling for ADR after getting the early edge.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder

As we relive the Hugh Jackman angle from last week, I can't help thinking that if they can make a movie from Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots then there is no reason we can't get an Angry Birds movie one day. Ziggs come out with a victory due to some Vickie/Swagger interference.


Air Boom & Zack Ryder vs. Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler & Mason Ryan

Teddy Long makes this match when Air Boom interferes in the subsequent beatdown on Zack Ryder. Since I whiffed on the Air Boom joke a couple of weeks ago, how about this: "Air Boom? They must have ignored my suggestion of Bare Coon." Anyways, someone wins this match with a finisher (I refuse to comment on matches made by Teddy Long ... but this was an entertaining match).

Ending promo

While I may have downplayed it a bit earlier, Hell in the Cell matches are a pretty good time and it should be a pretty good show. Some of the more recent memorable wrestling matches have occurred in Hell, like Vince faceplanting into Big Show's exposed ass and Edge's surprise attack as a cameraman after a year long absence. Should be interesting to see how they push the limit on Sunday.

Anyways, we get a little middle card heel conference about Mr. H's unfair practices these past few weeks. I feel like this is a pretty logical next step since Mr. H's has been a little over top with his power. Hopefully it'll bring Miz and R Truth back into the fold.


Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk

Cena joins us in the booth for our main event! After a long match, it's a surprise to see Punk win with only a vicious kick prior to their main event on Sunday. Then they quickly turn ADR back into a viable contender for Hell in the Cell by having him take out both Punk and Cena with a metal chair.