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| Divas of Doom - "900,234... 900,235...900,236..." |
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| Everyone: "Really?! We really have to do this? At least there are two Sin Caras to assault." |
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| "No one can cage my destiny! ... or my scarf." |
Friday, October 14, 2011
What They Were Really Thinking: 9/26/2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Raw Recap: 9/26/11
All right, it's time for Raw. Unfortunately my wife tapes every single freaking show on HGTV and Bravo, so I have to watch it in non-HD due to the restrictions of ATT. This will hinder my favorite part of Raw, looking at John Cena's muscles. I would pay a quarter of a million of dollars to have pecs like him. The definition beneath his pectorals is to die for.
Opening promo
Mr. H's starts us off by defending his decision to fire his two most entertaining employees for touching a referee. He then continues with his best Roger Goodell impersonation by also fining Mark Henry $250,000 for attacking his announcers. Unfortunately, Mr. H's declares that a semi truck of Eggos will not suffice as payment. I don't know, fines for abrupt attacks on announcers? Interfering in matches? Either every wrestler is going to have to get a big raise or you might be seeing Mark Henry sweating all over your McChickens at Mickey D's next week.
Next we're joined by Dolph Ziggler, Cody Rhodes and Christian who go about their bitching ways. Mr. H's gets his compensation for all of them by giving us Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler for the US Title, John Cena vs. Christian not for the title (much to Christiana's dismay) and Cody Rhodes in a 10-man battle royal for the Intercontinental Championship.
10-Man Battle Royal
We definitely need a rule change for these matches. I mean this is ridiculous, why does anybody even wrestle in this match. If you can just climb out "underneath" the rope then what's the point of the other people wrestling? Mr H's, why don't you worry about this stuff instead of screwing over heels all the time?
One thing we did learn about the WWE rulebook during this match is that if your evil twin is thrown over the ropes, you are also out much to the chagrin of Sin Cara. Last two standing are Sheamus and Cody Rhodes. I got Rhodes, because seriously, who loses their title in a ten-man battle royal at Raw?
Yep, Rhodes wins after some interference from Christian.
Where's Lawler?
Hey, I love Michael Cole, I'm agreeing with everything he's saying. How is Henry getting fined six figures when Lawler hit him first? Plus he only has bruised ribs. You can't announce Raw with some bruised ribs? Really Lawler? Really? Tony Romo played football with a rib poking through his lung.
Kelly Kelly & Eve vs. Beth Phoenix & Natalya
We get a whole segment of Lawler creeping on Kelly Kelly which means this week's RAWards just hit the jackpot. K2 comes out with Eve who is turning more into Chyna every week. Eve currently holds the title for woman-I-would-least-like-to-get-a-handjob-from. Phoenix wins with a GlamSlam while everyone watching is wishing she and Santino were still an item. Okay, just me.
Mark Henry vs. The Great Khali
Oh God, this will be horrible and as I write that I feel vindicated when I hear Booker claim he's been looking forward to this match. Well thankfully Henry ends it quick with an attack and a world strongest's slam. We get it, he's a monster. But can we go back to separate brands yet? Let's only punish the people who would watch Smackdown with this Mark Henry crap.
John Cena vs. Christian
Finally John Cena comes out. One adjustment I would make to Cena's gameplan is to perhaps try a pin after his sidewalk slam. Sure seems like his opponent stays down after that one. Another thing, if you get a few beers in me, no one does a better John Cena Entrance impression than me. Just don't put too many beers in me or I will try to FU you through a table which will end in me throwing out my back and you taking me to the hospital.
Cena cuts a promo on the sanctity and the insanity of a Hell in a Cell match. I appreciate what you are saying John but there is no way you are going to get me to buy two WWE PPVs two weeks apart.
It's a special Raw tonight as CM Punk returns to the booth which has been my favorite part of his career. I still think CM Punk is all fired up because Cena spilled his Diet Coke. Anyways, with all three of our participants in the main event ringside, Cena beats Christian by DQ when ADR gets involved. We still get Punk vs. ADR tonight so I don't have a good feeling for ADR after getting the early edge.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder
As we relive the Hugh Jackman angle from last week, I can't help thinking that if they can make a movie from Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots then there is no reason we can't get an Angry Birds movie one day. Ziggs come out with a victory due to some Vickie/Swagger interference.
Air Boom & Zack Ryder vs. Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler & Mason Ryan
Teddy Long makes this match when Air Boom interferes in the subsequent beatdown on Zack Ryder. Since I whiffed on the Air Boom joke a couple of weeks ago, how about this: "Air Boom? They must have ignored my suggestion of Bare Coon." Anyways, someone wins this match with a finisher (I refuse to comment on matches made by Teddy Long ... but this was an entertaining match).
Ending promo
While I may have downplayed it a bit earlier, Hell in the Cell matches are a pretty good time and it should be a pretty good show. Some of the more recent memorable wrestling matches have occurred in Hell, like Vince faceplanting into Big Show's exposed ass and Edge's surprise attack as a cameraman after a year long absence. Should be interesting to see how they push the limit on Sunday.
Anyways, we get a little middle card heel conference about Mr. H's unfair practices these past few weeks. I feel like this is a pretty logical next step since Mr. H's has been a little over top with his power. Hopefully it'll bring Miz and R Truth back into the fold.
Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk
Cena joins us in the booth for our main event! After a long match, it's a surprise to see Punk win with only a vicious kick prior to their main event on Sunday. Then they quickly turn ADR back into a viable contender for Hell in the Cell by having him take out both Punk and Cena with a metal chair.
Opening promo
Mr. H's starts us off by defending his decision to fire his two most entertaining employees for touching a referee. He then continues with his best Roger Goodell impersonation by also fining Mark Henry $250,000 for attacking his announcers. Unfortunately, Mr. H's declares that a semi truck of Eggos will not suffice as payment. I don't know, fines for abrupt attacks on announcers? Interfering in matches? Either every wrestler is going to have to get a big raise or you might be seeing Mark Henry sweating all over your McChickens at Mickey D's next week.
Next we're joined by Dolph Ziggler, Cody Rhodes and Christian who go about their bitching ways. Mr. H's gets his compensation for all of them by giving us Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler for the US Title, John Cena vs. Christian not for the title (much to Christiana's dismay) and Cody Rhodes in a 10-man battle royal for the Intercontinental Championship.
10-Man Battle Royal
We definitely need a rule change for these matches. I mean this is ridiculous, why does anybody even wrestle in this match. If you can just climb out "underneath" the rope then what's the point of the other people wrestling? Mr H's, why don't you worry about this stuff instead of screwing over heels all the time?
One thing we did learn about the WWE rulebook during this match is that if your evil twin is thrown over the ropes, you are also out much to the chagrin of Sin Cara. Last two standing are Sheamus and Cody Rhodes. I got Rhodes, because seriously, who loses their title in a ten-man battle royal at Raw?
Yep, Rhodes wins after some interference from Christian.
Where's Lawler?
Hey, I love Michael Cole, I'm agreeing with everything he's saying. How is Henry getting fined six figures when Lawler hit him first? Plus he only has bruised ribs. You can't announce Raw with some bruised ribs? Really Lawler? Really? Tony Romo played football with a rib poking through his lung.
Kelly Kelly & Eve vs. Beth Phoenix & Natalya
We get a whole segment of Lawler creeping on Kelly Kelly which means this week's RAWards just hit the jackpot. K2 comes out with Eve who is turning more into Chyna every week. Eve currently holds the title for woman-I-would-least-like-to-get-a-handjob-from. Phoenix wins with a GlamSlam while everyone watching is wishing she and Santino were still an item. Okay, just me.
Mark Henry vs. The Great Khali
Oh God, this will be horrible and as I write that I feel vindicated when I hear Booker claim he's been looking forward to this match. Well thankfully Henry ends it quick with an attack and a world strongest's slam. We get it, he's a monster. But can we go back to separate brands yet? Let's only punish the people who would watch Smackdown with this Mark Henry crap.
John Cena vs. Christian
Finally John Cena comes out. One adjustment I would make to Cena's gameplan is to perhaps try a pin after his sidewalk slam. Sure seems like his opponent stays down after that one. Another thing, if you get a few beers in me, no one does a better John Cena Entrance impression than me. Just don't put too many beers in me or I will try to FU you through a table which will end in me throwing out my back and you taking me to the hospital.
Cena cuts a promo on the sanctity and the insanity of a Hell in a Cell match. I appreciate what you are saying John but there is no way you are going to get me to buy two WWE PPVs two weeks apart.
It's a special Raw tonight as CM Punk returns to the booth which has been my favorite part of his career. I still think CM Punk is all fired up because Cena spilled his Diet Coke. Anyways, with all three of our participants in the main event ringside, Cena beats Christian by DQ when ADR gets involved. We still get Punk vs. ADR tonight so I don't have a good feeling for ADR after getting the early edge.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder
As we relive the Hugh Jackman angle from last week, I can't help thinking that if they can make a movie from Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots then there is no reason we can't get an Angry Birds movie one day. Ziggs come out with a victory due to some Vickie/Swagger interference.
Air Boom & Zack Ryder vs. Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler & Mason Ryan
Teddy Long makes this match when Air Boom interferes in the subsequent beatdown on Zack Ryder. Since I whiffed on the Air Boom joke a couple of weeks ago, how about this: "Air Boom? They must have ignored my suggestion of Bare Coon." Anyways, someone wins this match with a finisher (I refuse to comment on matches made by Teddy Long ... but this was an entertaining match).
Ending promo
Anyways, we get a little middle card heel conference about Mr. H's unfair practices these past few weeks. I feel like this is a pretty logical next step since Mr. H's has been a little over top with his power. Hopefully it'll bring Miz and R Truth back into the fold.
Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk
Cena joins us in the booth for our main event! After a long match, it's a surprise to see Punk win with only a vicious kick prior to their main event on Sunday. Then they quickly turn ADR back into a viable contender for Hell in the Cell by having him take out both Punk and Cena with a metal chair.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Raw Recap: 9/19/11
Opening promo:
Raw comes to us from Cleveland, Ohio, which makes the hearts of half of the Raw Is Real staff go pitter-patter (we're from northeastern Ohio). Unfortunately, being in Cleveland makes CM Punk's heart just hurt. We open the show with a clearly saddened Punk talking about how performing in the city of Cleveland hasn't ever been easy for or good to him. In fact, he tells a little story about Bob Holly having punched him so hard in the face once in this building that he still has a dead spot in his field of vision. Perhaps that's why he didn't see Kevin Nash coming at Night of Champions - despite the fact that everyone in the WWE Universe did.
What matters most about what Punk is saying is that his pride is hurting, mostly because he now knows that Mr. H's wasn't really involved in the plot to contain his pipe bombs. Kudos to Punk for the facial expression he sports as that Motorhead music comes blaring from the speakers while he's mid-sentence.
Out comes HHH still in his suit and tie, as he is still the COO - as Michael Cole points out. HHH goes through a lot of the same things he's been saying for a while, but adds that he respects Punk. He gives a long "who's on first-esque" speech about how no one really believes that he sent a text to Kevin Nash - during any show, live or PPV. Apparently he also thinks that Punk has a thick head. Maybe that goes with the "skinny, fat ass". He extends an olive branch in the form of a match by putting the Second City Savior into a three-way dance at Hell in a Cell for the WWE Championship. Awww... they like each other, now.
Punk clarifies that he thinks someone higher up in the WWE is using the fact that Punk and HHH don't like one another to play the both of them. Punk says that the conspiracy involves someone higher up on the ladder, to which the fat guy in the front row starts to chant "Shane McMahon". Points to Punk for rolling his eyes at the guy and mouthing, "No".
The love fest and poor use of grammar is short-lived, as Johnny Laurinaitis appears. Surprise! Surprise! John doesn't believe anything Punk says. Punk makes it clear that Johnny Boy clearly wanted to be the COO with his "little stooge corporate eyes". How romantic... now Punk is defending HHH's honor. Laurenitis clarifies that his job is to look out for the welfare of the talent, and that he has no aspirations to be the COO. Is THAT who we have to thank for the superstars not having health insurance?
Everyone clarifies to whom they report, and a round of "you're fired," "no, you're not fired" happens. HHH promises to figure out who is swerving who by the end of the night, and uses the word "fired" for the 10,000th time in five minutes (as in someone is going to get fired before the show is over).
Air Boom, Sheamus and Justin Gabriel v. McGillicutty, Otunga, Christian and Wade Barrett
This match is really only valuable for the commentary. Lawler gets in quite a few comments about "boring" McGillicutty, while Cole makes sure to mention (as he does every week) that Barrett is a former bare-knuckle champion. Christian slaps little Evan Bourne in the face, which just isn't cool. After Bourne responds with a knee to Christian's face, Lawler has another gem with: "Christian may be sucking soup through a spoon" after that move. Soon enough, Sheamus enters the match and JR says, "Sheamus enters the ring like a wild Irish bull." Are there bulls in Ireland?
Now. we're on to the standard 6-man tag rules - everyone tries their own finishing maneuver one right after the other. Otunga gets the worst of it, suffering a stiff kick to the face, followed by the Celtic Cross. Interesting note: Otunga is heavier than most of the people Sheamus drills with the Celtic Cross, and Sheamus clearly shows on his face just how hard it is to lift the A-List over his head. In the end, the team of Sheabriairboom wins the match.
Meanwhile...
Cut to HHH talking to "Chad the Referee" about how the refs are nervous that Awesome Truth are dangerous. HHH says he'll take care of it. Not before being confronted by Albie, who is all kinds of upset about the three-way dance at Hell in a Cell. Del Rio won't leave before saying how he prays that Mr. McMahon comes back to run the WWE. Laughs ensue.
Alberto Del Rio v. John Morrison
After losing his title at NOC, Albie arrives to his match in a Porsche valued $200,000 less than the car Cena jacked from him. Apparently not being the champion has already taken a toll on Del Rio's bank account. Morrison, on the other hand, still makes enough dough to maintain his slow motion abs. Del Rio is unimpressed and gives a very Chris Jericho like stink face. Wasting no time, Albie dispatches his trusty arm breaker and Morrison has to tap out.
Promo for Hell in a Cell. Like NOC, it is sponsored by Light Strike, which means more commercials starring Rey Mysterio.
Hugh Jackman and Dolph Ziggler promo
Then, Hugh Jackman comes out. He's handsome, so it's okay that he looks like a kid in a candy store as he runs the ropes. ~Insert movie promo here~
Hugh is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero. Michael Cole has the best line: "The cougar meets the wolverine." LOL. She gets creepy, and Hugh looks nauseous. Dolph then takes the mic, confusing Jackman with Christian Bale. Blah blah blah by Jackman. He also manages to compare Jackman to Mason Ryan.
Then comes a reference to Cleveland being all about the underdog. "We all know that underdog is another word for loser," he says. Jackman won't take that and promises to go in the back to find the biggest underdog imaginable, who he can then help to beat Ziggler. Hugh Jackman pulls a total "fan move" and takes a "Ziggler > Wolverine" sign from a fan as if to confirm that he will indeed be in the corner of the Internet Champion.
The Miz and R-Truth promo
Miz and Truth arrive in a 1990's Jeep Cheroke. They apologize to John Laurinaitis for putting him in an uncomfortable position.
Sin Cara v. Cody Rhodes
Next comes Sin Cara - is it the real one or the fake one? Everyone at Raw Is Real is happy to see that the WWE picked up on our various water cooler conversations about how it's so obvious that they're two different men. Cody Rhodes comes out, followed by the other Sin Cara. Now it's on! Both Sin Caras pull the same moves on their counterpart one after another.l Uno Sin Cara gets drop kicked out of the ring, and the "match" is over. Where did Cody Rhodes go!?
Meanwhile...
HHH drinks his coffee while Awesome Truth apologize for putting their hands on a referee and for interfering in Mr. H's match. Truth even apologizes to all of the Little Jimmies. I mean, Truth calls the man "Trips". Does he want a job with Raw Is Real? The Miz has extremely red eyes - so he's clearly been crying about this for hours. "Trips" accepts their apology. He fines each man $250,000 for touching an official. He then makes a match with the two budding rap stars to face Punk and Cena.
Mark Henry promo
JR informs the audience that Randy Orton has asked for his World Championship rematch at Hell in a Cell. Then, the interview is on - Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, carrying his title belt (since it clearly won't fit around his massive waist). He promises not to forgive JR, and the rest of the people who never supported him or believed in him. He wants JR to apologize on behalf of all of the WWE universe and then for himself. He says that JR once told Vince McMahon to fire him because he was "injury prone and an over achiever". It's the most I've ever heard Mark Henry say in 15 years.
JR apologizes, and the fans are not happy about it. Next thing you know, JR is helpless at the hands of Mark Henry who says, "this is where you beg for your life." Enter Jerry Lawler. Sexual Chocolate lets go of JR only to grab The King, who throws a great right hand, then is just as quickly dropped to the mat with a World's Strongest Slam. It's a wonder Michael "Undefeated at Wrestlemania" Cole didn't get into the ring. Henry pulls apart the announcers' table, so Cole does indeed have to scram. Another World's Strongest Slam for Lawler, right through the table. The fans are heard saying "get Michael Cole". We wish!
Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres v. The Divas of Doom (Beth Phoenix and Natalya)
Kelly Kelly is continuing her job of carrying my fantasy team with all of these title defenses. Thank God. Beth Phoenix continues her job of keeping headband retailers in business. She also seems to want to show off all of her brightly colored skivies, as the skirt appears to be her new wardrobe. "Finish her Beth" can be heard repeatedly, while Natalia auditions for Mortal Combat/Street Fighter in her corner. Nothing exciting here, and Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres win.
Hugh Jackman and Zach Ryder promo
Hugh Jackman recaps Zach Ryder's rise to Internet fame. "You're not an underdog, you're out of your mind. You're kind of delusional. You're perfect!" he says. Is Ryder really going to be Jackman's pick for a match against Dolph? Woo, Woo, Woo, YOU KNOW IT!
Dolph Ziggler v. Zach Ryder (with Hugh Jackman)
Jackman is wearing a Ryder "Broski" bandana. It looks amazing. Ziggler is not impressed. Vickie screams from his corner. Standard. Hugh Jackman channels all of the best managers and valets of the past, as he really does seem to keep Ryder in this match with a series of cheers and commentary. Double clothesline. Dazed, Ryder crawls toward Vickie, who throws a cougar paw in his face and gets herself ejected. Mikey C won't have any of that behavior! Jackman climbs on the apron and punches Ziggler square in the face. Immediate KO! "Ladies and gentlemen, that was a real steal for Zach Ryder." Oh, Michael Cole.
Jack Swagger consoles Vickie with a video package of his greatest moments. He promises that he can help Vickie get some face time with the Wolverine. She agrees to add Swagger to her stable of bleach blondes, and Ziggler looks on disappointed.
John Cena and CM Punk promo
Cena and Punk in one locker room.
Cena: "Partners!"
Punk: "Yeah.."
Cena: "The new Rock and Roll Express."
Punk: "I wouldn't go that far."
Cena then goes on to tell Punk how similar they are. He's right, you know... they're both men, they both have popular t-shirts, they both have someone with the last name "Word" rooting for them in Columbus. Twinsies!
The Miz and R-Truth v. John Cena and CM Punk
Awesome Truth come out to their new REEEEMIX song. The world is shocked as the Miz actually tells Cleveland, his hometown, that they suck. All is right with the world when he gives a coy smile to say he's just kidding.
Girls scream and Punk vomits as Cena removes his shirt. Miz shakes C-Rob's hand (the referee). It's on, and Cena takes it to Miz. Punk makes faces throughout the match. It's about the only thing that makes the majority of the match exciting.
Cole compares The Miz to Ali, which prompts everyone to wonder why Michael Cole isn't more popular with everyone. He's just so supportive. All I can focus on during this match are the fans with the A-W-E-S-O-M-E signs. Perfectly timed and flipped appropriately (read: not upside down). Points for Cleveland. CM Punk's scream of "it's nap tiiiiiiime" snaps me back into the match. Miz fights out of the setup for the GTS with a series of rapid fire elbows. Unfortunately, once dropped, he basically slams in to R-Truth. Oh nooooooooooo! Punk tries again and is successful with the Go to Sleep. Punk gets his hand raised by Cena... and cue HHH's music.
"Punk, good match. Miz, Truth, you're fired." That's it. No explanation. He's the COO. He's wearing pants with crisp pleats. He doesn't need to explain himself. Cut to a shot of the rest of the roster sitting stunned in the back. Miz and Truth attack HHH, and the rest of the roster has to break it up. Awesome Truth are ejected from the building, and Trips rips out his pony tail... followed by a violent shove to an electronics cart.
Raw comes to us from Cleveland, Ohio, which makes the hearts of half of the Raw Is Real staff go pitter-patter (we're from northeastern Ohio). Unfortunately, being in Cleveland makes CM Punk's heart just hurt. We open the show with a clearly saddened Punk talking about how performing in the city of Cleveland hasn't ever been easy for or good to him. In fact, he tells a little story about Bob Holly having punched him so hard in the face once in this building that he still has a dead spot in his field of vision. Perhaps that's why he didn't see Kevin Nash coming at Night of Champions - despite the fact that everyone in the WWE Universe did.
What matters most about what Punk is saying is that his pride is hurting, mostly because he now knows that Mr. H's wasn't really involved in the plot to contain his pipe bombs. Kudos to Punk for the facial expression he sports as that Motorhead music comes blaring from the speakers while he's mid-sentence.
Out comes HHH still in his suit and tie, as he is still the COO - as Michael Cole points out. HHH goes through a lot of the same things he's been saying for a while, but adds that he respects Punk. He gives a long "who's on first-esque" speech about how no one really believes that he sent a text to Kevin Nash - during any show, live or PPV. Apparently he also thinks that Punk has a thick head. Maybe that goes with the "skinny, fat ass". He extends an olive branch in the form of a match by putting the Second City Savior into a three-way dance at Hell in a Cell for the WWE Championship. Awww... they like each other, now.
Punk clarifies that he thinks someone higher up in the WWE is using the fact that Punk and HHH don't like one another to play the both of them. Punk says that the conspiracy involves someone higher up on the ladder, to which the fat guy in the front row starts to chant "Shane McMahon". Points to Punk for rolling his eyes at the guy and mouthing, "No".
The love fest and poor use of grammar is short-lived, as Johnny Laurinaitis appears. Surprise! Surprise! John doesn't believe anything Punk says. Punk makes it clear that Johnny Boy clearly wanted to be the COO with his "little stooge corporate eyes". How romantic... now Punk is defending HHH's honor. Laurenitis clarifies that his job is to look out for the welfare of the talent, and that he has no aspirations to be the COO. Is THAT who we have to thank for the superstars not having health insurance?
Everyone clarifies to whom they report, and a round of "you're fired," "no, you're not fired" happens. HHH promises to figure out who is swerving who by the end of the night, and uses the word "fired" for the 10,000th time in five minutes (as in someone is going to get fired before the show is over).
Air Boom, Sheamus and Justin Gabriel v. McGillicutty, Otunga, Christian and Wade Barrett
This match is really only valuable for the commentary. Lawler gets in quite a few comments about "boring" McGillicutty, while Cole makes sure to mention (as he does every week) that Barrett is a former bare-knuckle champion. Christian slaps little Evan Bourne in the face, which just isn't cool. After Bourne responds with a knee to Christian's face, Lawler has another gem with: "Christian may be sucking soup through a spoon" after that move. Soon enough, Sheamus enters the match and JR says, "Sheamus enters the ring like a wild Irish bull." Are there bulls in Ireland?
Now. we're on to the standard 6-man tag rules - everyone tries their own finishing maneuver one right after the other. Otunga gets the worst of it, suffering a stiff kick to the face, followed by the Celtic Cross. Interesting note: Otunga is heavier than most of the people Sheamus drills with the Celtic Cross, and Sheamus clearly shows on his face just how hard it is to lift the A-List over his head. In the end, the team of Sheabriairboom wins the match.
Meanwhile...
Cut to HHH talking to "Chad the Referee" about how the refs are nervous that Awesome Truth are dangerous. HHH says he'll take care of it. Not before being confronted by Albie, who is all kinds of upset about the three-way dance at Hell in a Cell. Del Rio won't leave before saying how he prays that Mr. McMahon comes back to run the WWE. Laughs ensue.
Alberto Del Rio v. John Morrison
After losing his title at NOC, Albie arrives to his match in a Porsche valued $200,000 less than the car Cena jacked from him. Apparently not being the champion has already taken a toll on Del Rio's bank account. Morrison, on the other hand, still makes enough dough to maintain his slow motion abs. Del Rio is unimpressed and gives a very Chris Jericho like stink face. Wasting no time, Albie dispatches his trusty arm breaker and Morrison has to tap out.
Promo for Hell in a Cell. Like NOC, it is sponsored by Light Strike, which means more commercials starring Rey Mysterio.
Hugh Jackman and Dolph Ziggler promo
Then, Hugh Jackman comes out. He's handsome, so it's okay that he looks like a kid in a candy store as he runs the ropes. ~Insert movie promo here~
Hugh is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero. Michael Cole has the best line: "The cougar meets the wolverine." LOL. She gets creepy, and Hugh looks nauseous. Dolph then takes the mic, confusing Jackman with Christian Bale. Blah blah blah by Jackman. He also manages to compare Jackman to Mason Ryan.
Then comes a reference to Cleveland being all about the underdog. "We all know that underdog is another word for loser," he says. Jackman won't take that and promises to go in the back to find the biggest underdog imaginable, who he can then help to beat Ziggler. Hugh Jackman pulls a total "fan move" and takes a "Ziggler > Wolverine" sign from a fan as if to confirm that he will indeed be in the corner of the Internet Champion.
The Miz and R-Truth promo
Miz and Truth arrive in a 1990's Jeep Cheroke. They apologize to John Laurinaitis for putting him in an uncomfortable position.
Sin Cara v. Cody Rhodes
Next comes Sin Cara - is it the real one or the fake one? Everyone at Raw Is Real is happy to see that the WWE picked up on our various water cooler conversations about how it's so obvious that they're two different men. Cody Rhodes comes out, followed by the other Sin Cara. Now it's on! Both Sin Caras pull the same moves on their counterpart one after another.l Uno Sin Cara gets drop kicked out of the ring, and the "match" is over. Where did Cody Rhodes go!?
Meanwhile...
HHH drinks his coffee while Awesome Truth apologize for putting their hands on a referee and for interfering in Mr. H's match. Truth even apologizes to all of the Little Jimmies. I mean, Truth calls the man "Trips". Does he want a job with Raw Is Real? The Miz has extremely red eyes - so he's clearly been crying about this for hours. "Trips" accepts their apology. He fines each man $250,000 for touching an official. He then makes a match with the two budding rap stars to face Punk and Cena.
Mark Henry promo
JR informs the audience that Randy Orton has asked for his World Championship rematch at Hell in a Cell. Then, the interview is on - Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, carrying his title belt (since it clearly won't fit around his massive waist). He promises not to forgive JR, and the rest of the people who never supported him or believed in him. He wants JR to apologize on behalf of all of the WWE universe and then for himself. He says that JR once told Vince McMahon to fire him because he was "injury prone and an over achiever". It's the most I've ever heard Mark Henry say in 15 years.
JR apologizes, and the fans are not happy about it. Next thing you know, JR is helpless at the hands of Mark Henry who says, "this is where you beg for your life." Enter Jerry Lawler. Sexual Chocolate lets go of JR only to grab The King, who throws a great right hand, then is just as quickly dropped to the mat with a World's Strongest Slam. It's a wonder Michael "Undefeated at Wrestlemania" Cole didn't get into the ring. Henry pulls apart the announcers' table, so Cole does indeed have to scram. Another World's Strongest Slam for Lawler, right through the table. The fans are heard saying "get Michael Cole". We wish!
Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres v. The Divas of Doom (Beth Phoenix and Natalya)
Kelly Kelly is continuing her job of carrying my fantasy team with all of these title defenses. Thank God. Beth Phoenix continues her job of keeping headband retailers in business. She also seems to want to show off all of her brightly colored skivies, as the skirt appears to be her new wardrobe. "Finish her Beth" can be heard repeatedly, while Natalia auditions for Mortal Combat/Street Fighter in her corner. Nothing exciting here, and Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres win.
Hugh Jackman and Zach Ryder promo
Hugh Jackman recaps Zach Ryder's rise to Internet fame. "You're not an underdog, you're out of your mind. You're kind of delusional. You're perfect!" he says. Is Ryder really going to be Jackman's pick for a match against Dolph? Woo, Woo, Woo, YOU KNOW IT!
Dolph Ziggler v. Zach Ryder (with Hugh Jackman)
Jackman is wearing a Ryder "Broski" bandana. It looks amazing. Ziggler is not impressed. Vickie screams from his corner. Standard. Hugh Jackman channels all of the best managers and valets of the past, as he really does seem to keep Ryder in this match with a series of cheers and commentary. Double clothesline. Dazed, Ryder crawls toward Vickie, who throws a cougar paw in his face and gets herself ejected. Mikey C won't have any of that behavior! Jackman climbs on the apron and punches Ziggler square in the face. Immediate KO! "Ladies and gentlemen, that was a real steal for Zach Ryder." Oh, Michael Cole.
Jack Swagger consoles Vickie with a video package of his greatest moments. He promises that he can help Vickie get some face time with the Wolverine. She agrees to add Swagger to her stable of bleach blondes, and Ziggler looks on disappointed.
John Cena and CM Punk promo
Cena and Punk in one locker room.
Cena: "Partners!"
Punk: "Yeah.."
Cena: "The new Rock and Roll Express."
Punk: "I wouldn't go that far."
Cena then goes on to tell Punk how similar they are. He's right, you know... they're both men, they both have popular t-shirts, they both have someone with the last name "Word" rooting for them in Columbus. Twinsies!
The Miz and R-Truth v. John Cena and CM Punk
Awesome Truth come out to their new REEEEMIX song. The world is shocked as the Miz actually tells Cleveland, his hometown, that they suck. All is right with the world when he gives a coy smile to say he's just kidding.
Girls scream and Punk vomits as Cena removes his shirt. Miz shakes C-Rob's hand (the referee). It's on, and Cena takes it to Miz. Punk makes faces throughout the match. It's about the only thing that makes the majority of the match exciting.
Cole compares The Miz to Ali, which prompts everyone to wonder why Michael Cole isn't more popular with everyone. He's just so supportive. All I can focus on during this match are the fans with the A-W-E-S-O-M-E signs. Perfectly timed and flipped appropriately (read: not upside down). Points for Cleveland. CM Punk's scream of "it's nap tiiiiiiime" snaps me back into the match. Miz fights out of the setup for the GTS with a series of rapid fire elbows. Unfortunately, once dropped, he basically slams in to R-Truth. Oh nooooooooooo! Punk tries again and is successful with the Go to Sleep. Punk gets his hand raised by Cena... and cue HHH's music.
"Punk, good match. Miz, Truth, you're fired." That's it. No explanation. He's the COO. He's wearing pants with crisp pleats. He doesn't need to explain himself. Cut to a shot of the rest of the roster sitting stunned in the back. Miz and Truth attack HHH, and the rest of the roster has to break it up. Awesome Truth are ejected from the building, and Trips rips out his pony tail... followed by a violent shove to an electronics cart.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Reason #12 Why Nobody Watches SmackDown: Stupid, Boring Matches
Friday, September 16, 2011
What They Were Really Thinking: 9/12/11
I can tell you that the fans in Ottawa were thinking, "The WWE is in Canada, that means our national hero will be here, right?!" Sadly, Edge was not in attendance, but Bret Hart sure was (he's MY hero for sure).
Alberto del Rio: "You're not wearing your jorts! Who are you!?"
Bret Hart: "Cena told me there was only room for one man in jorts."
Sarah: "*screaming* Jeff, oh my God, he looks like 1990's Bret Hart again. He's not wearing calf socks, and his hair is appropriately wet. He's so dreamy again!!!"
Next Level Reader Interaction
It's like choose your own adventure, except not at all. We all saw Ric-Rod drink milk and talk about aphrodisiacs. Well, off the air Zack Ryder attempted to comfort him with some goat milk. I guess.
We've got a picture of that below, and this is where you come in dear readers. Come up with your own What They Were Really Thinking and post it in the comments. How fun is that? We're such a cool blog, am I right!?
Bret Hart: "Cena told me there was only room for one man in jorts."
Sarah: "*screaming* Jeff, oh my God, he looks like 1990's Bret Hart again. He's not wearing calf socks, and his hair is appropriately wet. He's so dreamy again!!!"
Next Level Reader Interaction
It's like choose your own adventure, except not at all. We all saw Ric-Rod drink milk and talk about aphrodisiacs. Well, off the air Zack Ryder attempted to comfort him with some goat milk. I guess.
We've got a picture of that below, and this is where you come in dear readers. Come up with your own What They Were Really Thinking and post it in the comments. How fun is that? We're such a cool blog, am I right!?
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
RAWards: 9/12/11
Best Heel Face Award
Best Face Heel Award
Lawler-Creepin-on-Kelly-Kelly Award
Lawler was off his game this week.
Probs due to this injury McSnoozytunga gave him:
So instead, we'll be giving out free samples of aphrodisiac milk.
And this award:
Best Facial Award
Probs due to this injury McSnoozytunga gave him:
So instead, we'll be giving out free samples of aphrodisiac milk.
And this award:
Best Facial Award
Who Wore It Best?
WWE vs Hollywood edition
And this week's Tag Team Style Championship belt goes to...
(with 99% of reader votes)
The Crypt Keeper and Bryan Cranston!
Take care, wash your hair Bret. You're gross.
Twweets of the Week
Little Jimmy of the Week
This guy. For his sage advice whenever H's took the mic:
This guy. For his sage advice whenever H's took the mic:
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Raw Recap: 9/12/11
Opening promo
Birdo has decided to call himself the greatest of the great, which seems like a bad move when you’re in Canada. Oh, there it is. Bret Hart is in the building. The Hitman might be the best there ever will be, but his persistence in sticking to this hairstyle despite the effects of aging is basically the definition of the worst. ADR says Bret’s appearance reminds him of the Canadians he hires to clean his house. I was not aware there was a big rivalry between Mexico and Canada, but I like it!
Cena, of course, hates anything that I like so he powers up. He accuses Del Rio of running away like a little bitch. The champ disputes this, but then promptly hides behind the skirts of Ricardo Rodriguez. Cena, who thinks he books Raw now, suggests a Hart vs. Del Rio match. Why not all four, asks Johnny Ace?
John Morrison and Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger
Are you kidding me? We missed Morrison’s intro during the commercial? I love watching that dude’s hair in slow motion. The whole match is just a pretense for more feuding between Jack and Dolph over the heart of Vickie Guerrero. The two argue and refuse to tag the other, resulting in a loss.
R-Truth and The Miz promo
The ever-growing list of people in on the conspiracy against these two now includes BS Punk and possibly ninjas. Both believe that they should be the main event every night. Look, I have to agree. It doesn’t get better than this:
The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
A clean win here for The Miz, despite Truth’s presence at ringside. I’d guess that will be part of the conspiracy when they lose at Night of Champions. I hope they build suspense with this rivalry and really make the fight over the tag team belt exciting. Though with a name like Air Bore, how exciting can it be?
Vickie Guerrero and Kelly Kelly promo
Teddy Bear says that Ziggler will defend his title against Swags, A-Ry and Morrison at Night of Champions. Finally! I’m a fan of Dolph, but he’s had this belt without much competition for way too long. Vickie is upset about this turn of events, and lets Teddy know it. Kelly Kelly suggests that if Vickie were more like her maybe she’d get her way. Ah, so you’re saying it’s all an act, Kelly?
David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Jerry Lawler and Sheamus
And McGuillicutty speaks! Lawler continues to insist that the former tag team champs have no personality. Otunga and McGuill do pretty much nothing to prove him wrong. Sheamus hits a couple of Braugh Kicks, then an Irish Cross for the pin on McGuill. Blah, blah, blah, whatever.
Meanwhile, backstage
Ric-Rod apparently thinks milk is an aphrodisiac? He might be trying to give Birdo a hint, but the champ just seems disgusted.
John Cena and Bret Hart vs. Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez
Surprise, surprise! Bret Hart doesn’t actually wrestle. Cena squashes Ric, while Birdo does everything he can to stay out of the ring. John finishes Ric-Rod off with the AA and tags Hart in for a sharpshooter. This was almost entirely pointless.
Kelly Kelly vs. Vickie Guererro
Another pretense of a match to build up the Swagger-Ziggler feud. A ringside argument breaks out into a fight and Vickie is distracted enough for Kelly Kelly to easily roll her up for the win. One last win before Beth takes that belt from her, I hope.
Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes
I’m really not a fan of this brand integration thing, but Orton and Rhodes are two people I wouldn’t mind seeing on Raw every week. Cody’s very deliberate way of speaking is captivating and amusing at the same time. And Randy Orton is just a sadistic son-of-a-bitch.
Mark Henry is at ringside for most of this match to distract Randy with his impending doom. It’s enough to allow Rhodes to get in a hit with his face mask and finish Orton off with the Cross Rhodes.
CM Punk and Triple H promo
OK, this thing started off with the same old complaints from Punk and the same old deflections from Mr. H’s, but boy did it take off at the end.
Punk claims that H’s and Vince both believe that smaller guys have no place in the ring and that, as a result, Punk has been held back. Hunter disagrees, referencing the likes of Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and Rey Mysterio. Point H’s.
H’s tells Punk to stop worrying about his opinion and focus on what the fans think about him. Punk asks if Trips is even listening to the fans, who immediately begin a chant for Punk. Point Punk.
Trips says Punk will know he’s made it big when Seven Eleven is begging him to be on slushie cups and not the other way around. Punk asks where his ice cream bars are, in that case. Point Punk.
Mr. H’s points out all the opportunities Punk has accumulated over the years that he claims he has been overlooked: titles, main events, MITB briefcases. Perhaps it’s his own fault he’s not over? Point H’s.
Triple H advises Punk to be more like John Cena. Uh, no thank you. Point Punk.
H’s says that no matter how Punk tries to spin their match to be about business, it’s all personal now. QUITE FRANKLY, Trips is just a man. A man who will kick some skinny skinny fat ass on Sunday. Punk counters that his quest for the holy grail will not end until he sees H’s gone.
Then, shit gets real, guys. “This isn’t CM Punk talking to Triple H, this is Phil Brooks talking to Paul Levesque,” and cue the mic cut off. H’s offers his own, but that also goes out with just one utterance of “Paul”. A third mic is found, but Punk uses that to bash H’s head in.
Superlatives
Who got got?
Triple H, who not only loses the points battle, but also gets a nice bump on his forehead from that mic. I think it was a little real, guys.
Most predictable moment
The loss suffered by David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty. Why are these two still employed at this point? To put Jerry Lawler over?
Most awkward moment
Kelly Kelly has a difficult time remembering all of three lines and stares over Vickie’s shoulder during their backstage promo, most likely at cue cards.
Birdo has decided to call himself the greatest of the great, which seems like a bad move when you’re in Canada. Oh, there it is. Bret Hart is in the building. The Hitman might be the best there ever will be, but his persistence in sticking to this hairstyle despite the effects of aging is basically the definition of the worst. ADR says Bret’s appearance reminds him of the Canadians he hires to clean his house. I was not aware there was a big rivalry between Mexico and Canada, but I like it!
Cena, of course, hates anything that I like so he powers up. He accuses Del Rio of running away like a little bitch. The champ disputes this, but then promptly hides behind the skirts of Ricardo Rodriguez. Cena, who thinks he books Raw now, suggests a Hart vs. Del Rio match. Why not all four, asks Johnny Ace?
John Morrison and Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger
Are you kidding me? We missed Morrison’s intro during the commercial? I love watching that dude’s hair in slow motion. The whole match is just a pretense for more feuding between Jack and Dolph over the heart of Vickie Guerrero. The two argue and refuse to tag the other, resulting in a loss.
R-Truth and The Miz promo
The ever-growing list of people in on the conspiracy against these two now includes BS Punk and possibly ninjas. Both believe that they should be the main event every night. Look, I have to agree. It doesn’t get better than this:
The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
A clean win here for The Miz, despite Truth’s presence at ringside. I’d guess that will be part of the conspiracy when they lose at Night of Champions. I hope they build suspense with this rivalry and really make the fight over the tag team belt exciting. Though with a name like Air Bore, how exciting can it be?
Vickie Guerrero and Kelly Kelly promo
Teddy Bear says that Ziggler will defend his title against Swags, A-Ry and Morrison at Night of Champions. Finally! I’m a fan of Dolph, but he’s had this belt without much competition for way too long. Vickie is upset about this turn of events, and lets Teddy know it. Kelly Kelly suggests that if Vickie were more like her maybe she’d get her way. Ah, so you’re saying it’s all an act, Kelly?
David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Jerry Lawler and Sheamus
And McGuillicutty speaks! Lawler continues to insist that the former tag team champs have no personality. Otunga and McGuill do pretty much nothing to prove him wrong. Sheamus hits a couple of Braugh Kicks, then an Irish Cross for the pin on McGuill. Blah, blah, blah, whatever.
Meanwhile, backstage
Ric-Rod apparently thinks milk is an aphrodisiac? He might be trying to give Birdo a hint, but the champ just seems disgusted.
John Cena and Bret Hart vs. Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez
Surprise, surprise! Bret Hart doesn’t actually wrestle. Cena squashes Ric, while Birdo does everything he can to stay out of the ring. John finishes Ric-Rod off with the AA and tags Hart in for a sharpshooter. This was almost entirely pointless.
Kelly Kelly vs. Vickie Guererro
Another pretense of a match to build up the Swagger-Ziggler feud. A ringside argument breaks out into a fight and Vickie is distracted enough for Kelly Kelly to easily roll her up for the win. One last win before Beth takes that belt from her, I hope.
Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes
I’m really not a fan of this brand integration thing, but Orton and Rhodes are two people I wouldn’t mind seeing on Raw every week. Cody’s very deliberate way of speaking is captivating and amusing at the same time. And Randy Orton is just a sadistic son-of-a-bitch.
Mark Henry is at ringside for most of this match to distract Randy with his impending doom. It’s enough to allow Rhodes to get in a hit with his face mask and finish Orton off with the Cross Rhodes.
CM Punk and Triple H promo
OK, this thing started off with the same old complaints from Punk and the same old deflections from Mr. H’s, but boy did it take off at the end.
Punk claims that H’s and Vince both believe that smaller guys have no place in the ring and that, as a result, Punk has been held back. Hunter disagrees, referencing the likes of Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and Rey Mysterio. Point H’s.
H’s tells Punk to stop worrying about his opinion and focus on what the fans think about him. Punk asks if Trips is even listening to the fans, who immediately begin a chant for Punk. Point Punk.
Trips says Punk will know he’s made it big when Seven Eleven is begging him to be on slushie cups and not the other way around. Punk asks where his ice cream bars are, in that case. Point Punk.
Mr. H’s points out all the opportunities Punk has accumulated over the years that he claims he has been overlooked: titles, main events, MITB briefcases. Perhaps it’s his own fault he’s not over? Point H’s.
Triple H advises Punk to be more like John Cena. Uh, no thank you. Point Punk.
H’s says that no matter how Punk tries to spin their match to be about business, it’s all personal now. QUITE FRANKLY, Trips is just a man. A man who will kick some skinny skinny fat ass on Sunday. Punk counters that his quest for the holy grail will not end until he sees H’s gone.
Then, shit gets real, guys. “This isn’t CM Punk talking to Triple H, this is Phil Brooks talking to Paul Levesque,” and cue the mic cut off. H’s offers his own, but that also goes out with just one utterance of “Paul”. A third mic is found, but Punk uses that to bash H’s head in.
Superlatives
Who got got?
Triple H, who not only loses the points battle, but also gets a nice bump on his forehead from that mic. I think it was a little real, guys.
Most predictable moment
The loss suffered by David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty. Why are these two still employed at this point? To put Jerry Lawler over?
Most awkward moment
Kelly Kelly has a difficult time remembering all of three lines and stares over Vickie’s shoulder during their backstage promo, most likely at cue cards.
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