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| Divas of Doom - "900,234... 900,235...900,236..." |
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| Everyone: "Really?! We really have to do this? At least there are two Sin Caras to assault." |
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| "No one can cage my destiny! ... or my scarf." |
Showing posts with label beth phoenix. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beth phoenix. Show all posts
Friday, October 14, 2011
What They Were Really Thinking: 9/26/2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Raw Recap: 9/19/11
Opening promo:
Raw comes to us from Cleveland, Ohio, which makes the hearts of half of the Raw Is Real staff go pitter-patter (we're from northeastern Ohio). Unfortunately, being in Cleveland makes CM Punk's heart just hurt. We open the show with a clearly saddened Punk talking about how performing in the city of Cleveland hasn't ever been easy for or good to him. In fact, he tells a little story about Bob Holly having punched him so hard in the face once in this building that he still has a dead spot in his field of vision. Perhaps that's why he didn't see Kevin Nash coming at Night of Champions - despite the fact that everyone in the WWE Universe did.
What matters most about what Punk is saying is that his pride is hurting, mostly because he now knows that Mr. H's wasn't really involved in the plot to contain his pipe bombs. Kudos to Punk for the facial expression he sports as that Motorhead music comes blaring from the speakers while he's mid-sentence.
Out comes HHH still in his suit and tie, as he is still the COO - as Michael Cole points out. HHH goes through a lot of the same things he's been saying for a while, but adds that he respects Punk. He gives a long "who's on first-esque" speech about how no one really believes that he sent a text to Kevin Nash - during any show, live or PPV. Apparently he also thinks that Punk has a thick head. Maybe that goes with the "skinny, fat ass". He extends an olive branch in the form of a match by putting the Second City Savior into a three-way dance at Hell in a Cell for the WWE Championship. Awww... they like each other, now.
Punk clarifies that he thinks someone higher up in the WWE is using the fact that Punk and HHH don't like one another to play the both of them. Punk says that the conspiracy involves someone higher up on the ladder, to which the fat guy in the front row starts to chant "Shane McMahon". Points to Punk for rolling his eyes at the guy and mouthing, "No".
The love fest and poor use of grammar is short-lived, as Johnny Laurinaitis appears. Surprise! Surprise! John doesn't believe anything Punk says. Punk makes it clear that Johnny Boy clearly wanted to be the COO with his "little stooge corporate eyes". How romantic... now Punk is defending HHH's honor. Laurenitis clarifies that his job is to look out for the welfare of the talent, and that he has no aspirations to be the COO. Is THAT who we have to thank for the superstars not having health insurance?
Everyone clarifies to whom they report, and a round of "you're fired," "no, you're not fired" happens. HHH promises to figure out who is swerving who by the end of the night, and uses the word "fired" for the 10,000th time in five minutes (as in someone is going to get fired before the show is over).
Air Boom, Sheamus and Justin Gabriel v. McGillicutty, Otunga, Christian and Wade Barrett
This match is really only valuable for the commentary. Lawler gets in quite a few comments about "boring" McGillicutty, while Cole makes sure to mention (as he does every week) that Barrett is a former bare-knuckle champion. Christian slaps little Evan Bourne in the face, which just isn't cool. After Bourne responds with a knee to Christian's face, Lawler has another gem with: "Christian may be sucking soup through a spoon" after that move. Soon enough, Sheamus enters the match and JR says, "Sheamus enters the ring like a wild Irish bull." Are there bulls in Ireland?
Now. we're on to the standard 6-man tag rules - everyone tries their own finishing maneuver one right after the other. Otunga gets the worst of it, suffering a stiff kick to the face, followed by the Celtic Cross. Interesting note: Otunga is heavier than most of the people Sheamus drills with the Celtic Cross, and Sheamus clearly shows on his face just how hard it is to lift the A-List over his head. In the end, the team of Sheabriairboom wins the match.
Meanwhile...
Cut to HHH talking to "Chad the Referee" about how the refs are nervous that Awesome Truth are dangerous. HHH says he'll take care of it. Not before being confronted by Albie, who is all kinds of upset about the three-way dance at Hell in a Cell. Del Rio won't leave before saying how he prays that Mr. McMahon comes back to run the WWE. Laughs ensue.
Alberto Del Rio v. John Morrison
After losing his title at NOC, Albie arrives to his match in a Porsche valued $200,000 less than the car Cena jacked from him. Apparently not being the champion has already taken a toll on Del Rio's bank account. Morrison, on the other hand, still makes enough dough to maintain his slow motion abs. Del Rio is unimpressed and gives a very Chris Jericho like stink face. Wasting no time, Albie dispatches his trusty arm breaker and Morrison has to tap out.
Promo for Hell in a Cell. Like NOC, it is sponsored by Light Strike, which means more commercials starring Rey Mysterio.
Hugh Jackman and Dolph Ziggler promo
Then, Hugh Jackman comes out. He's handsome, so it's okay that he looks like a kid in a candy store as he runs the ropes. ~Insert movie promo here~
Hugh is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero. Michael Cole has the best line: "The cougar meets the wolverine." LOL. She gets creepy, and Hugh looks nauseous. Dolph then takes the mic, confusing Jackman with Christian Bale. Blah blah blah by Jackman. He also manages to compare Jackman to Mason Ryan.
Then comes a reference to Cleveland being all about the underdog. "We all know that underdog is another word for loser," he says. Jackman won't take that and promises to go in the back to find the biggest underdog imaginable, who he can then help to beat Ziggler. Hugh Jackman pulls a total "fan move" and takes a "Ziggler > Wolverine" sign from a fan as if to confirm that he will indeed be in the corner of the Internet Champion.
The Miz and R-Truth promo
Miz and Truth arrive in a 1990's Jeep Cheroke. They apologize to John Laurinaitis for putting him in an uncomfortable position.
Sin Cara v. Cody Rhodes
Next comes Sin Cara - is it the real one or the fake one? Everyone at Raw Is Real is happy to see that the WWE picked up on our various water cooler conversations about how it's so obvious that they're two different men. Cody Rhodes comes out, followed by the other Sin Cara. Now it's on! Both Sin Caras pull the same moves on their counterpart one after another.l Uno Sin Cara gets drop kicked out of the ring, and the "match" is over. Where did Cody Rhodes go!?
Meanwhile...
HHH drinks his coffee while Awesome Truth apologize for putting their hands on a referee and for interfering in Mr. H's match. Truth even apologizes to all of the Little Jimmies. I mean, Truth calls the man "Trips". Does he want a job with Raw Is Real? The Miz has extremely red eyes - so he's clearly been crying about this for hours. "Trips" accepts their apology. He fines each man $250,000 for touching an official. He then makes a match with the two budding rap stars to face Punk and Cena.
Mark Henry promo
JR informs the audience that Randy Orton has asked for his World Championship rematch at Hell in a Cell. Then, the interview is on - Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, carrying his title belt (since it clearly won't fit around his massive waist). He promises not to forgive JR, and the rest of the people who never supported him or believed in him. He wants JR to apologize on behalf of all of the WWE universe and then for himself. He says that JR once told Vince McMahon to fire him because he was "injury prone and an over achiever". It's the most I've ever heard Mark Henry say in 15 years.
JR apologizes, and the fans are not happy about it. Next thing you know, JR is helpless at the hands of Mark Henry who says, "this is where you beg for your life." Enter Jerry Lawler. Sexual Chocolate lets go of JR only to grab The King, who throws a great right hand, then is just as quickly dropped to the mat with a World's Strongest Slam. It's a wonder Michael "Undefeated at Wrestlemania" Cole didn't get into the ring. Henry pulls apart the announcers' table, so Cole does indeed have to scram. Another World's Strongest Slam for Lawler, right through the table. The fans are heard saying "get Michael Cole". We wish!
Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres v. The Divas of Doom (Beth Phoenix and Natalya)
Kelly Kelly is continuing her job of carrying my fantasy team with all of these title defenses. Thank God. Beth Phoenix continues her job of keeping headband retailers in business. She also seems to want to show off all of her brightly colored skivies, as the skirt appears to be her new wardrobe. "Finish her Beth" can be heard repeatedly, while Natalia auditions for Mortal Combat/Street Fighter in her corner. Nothing exciting here, and Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres win.
Hugh Jackman and Zach Ryder promo
Hugh Jackman recaps Zach Ryder's rise to Internet fame. "You're not an underdog, you're out of your mind. You're kind of delusional. You're perfect!" he says. Is Ryder really going to be Jackman's pick for a match against Dolph? Woo, Woo, Woo, YOU KNOW IT!
Dolph Ziggler v. Zach Ryder (with Hugh Jackman)
Jackman is wearing a Ryder "Broski" bandana. It looks amazing. Ziggler is not impressed. Vickie screams from his corner. Standard. Hugh Jackman channels all of the best managers and valets of the past, as he really does seem to keep Ryder in this match with a series of cheers and commentary. Double clothesline. Dazed, Ryder crawls toward Vickie, who throws a cougar paw in his face and gets herself ejected. Mikey C won't have any of that behavior! Jackman climbs on the apron and punches Ziggler square in the face. Immediate KO! "Ladies and gentlemen, that was a real steal for Zach Ryder." Oh, Michael Cole.
Jack Swagger consoles Vickie with a video package of his greatest moments. He promises that he can help Vickie get some face time with the Wolverine. She agrees to add Swagger to her stable of bleach blondes, and Ziggler looks on disappointed.
John Cena and CM Punk promo
Cena and Punk in one locker room.
Cena: "Partners!"
Punk: "Yeah.."
Cena: "The new Rock and Roll Express."
Punk: "I wouldn't go that far."
Cena then goes on to tell Punk how similar they are. He's right, you know... they're both men, they both have popular t-shirts, they both have someone with the last name "Word" rooting for them in Columbus. Twinsies!
The Miz and R-Truth v. John Cena and CM Punk
Awesome Truth come out to their new REEEEMIX song. The world is shocked as the Miz actually tells Cleveland, his hometown, that they suck. All is right with the world when he gives a coy smile to say he's just kidding.
Girls scream and Punk vomits as Cena removes his shirt. Miz shakes C-Rob's hand (the referee). It's on, and Cena takes it to Miz. Punk makes faces throughout the match. It's about the only thing that makes the majority of the match exciting.
Cole compares The Miz to Ali, which prompts everyone to wonder why Michael Cole isn't more popular with everyone. He's just so supportive. All I can focus on during this match are the fans with the A-W-E-S-O-M-E signs. Perfectly timed and flipped appropriately (read: not upside down). Points for Cleveland. CM Punk's scream of "it's nap tiiiiiiime" snaps me back into the match. Miz fights out of the setup for the GTS with a series of rapid fire elbows. Unfortunately, once dropped, he basically slams in to R-Truth. Oh nooooooooooo! Punk tries again and is successful with the Go to Sleep. Punk gets his hand raised by Cena... and cue HHH's music.
"Punk, good match. Miz, Truth, you're fired." That's it. No explanation. He's the COO. He's wearing pants with crisp pleats. He doesn't need to explain himself. Cut to a shot of the rest of the roster sitting stunned in the back. Miz and Truth attack HHH, and the rest of the roster has to break it up. Awesome Truth are ejected from the building, and Trips rips out his pony tail... followed by a violent shove to an electronics cart.
Raw comes to us from Cleveland, Ohio, which makes the hearts of half of the Raw Is Real staff go pitter-patter (we're from northeastern Ohio). Unfortunately, being in Cleveland makes CM Punk's heart just hurt. We open the show with a clearly saddened Punk talking about how performing in the city of Cleveland hasn't ever been easy for or good to him. In fact, he tells a little story about Bob Holly having punched him so hard in the face once in this building that he still has a dead spot in his field of vision. Perhaps that's why he didn't see Kevin Nash coming at Night of Champions - despite the fact that everyone in the WWE Universe did.
What matters most about what Punk is saying is that his pride is hurting, mostly because he now knows that Mr. H's wasn't really involved in the plot to contain his pipe bombs. Kudos to Punk for the facial expression he sports as that Motorhead music comes blaring from the speakers while he's mid-sentence.
Out comes HHH still in his suit and tie, as he is still the COO - as Michael Cole points out. HHH goes through a lot of the same things he's been saying for a while, but adds that he respects Punk. He gives a long "who's on first-esque" speech about how no one really believes that he sent a text to Kevin Nash - during any show, live or PPV. Apparently he also thinks that Punk has a thick head. Maybe that goes with the "skinny, fat ass". He extends an olive branch in the form of a match by putting the Second City Savior into a three-way dance at Hell in a Cell for the WWE Championship. Awww... they like each other, now.
Punk clarifies that he thinks someone higher up in the WWE is using the fact that Punk and HHH don't like one another to play the both of them. Punk says that the conspiracy involves someone higher up on the ladder, to which the fat guy in the front row starts to chant "Shane McMahon". Points to Punk for rolling his eyes at the guy and mouthing, "No".
The love fest and poor use of grammar is short-lived, as Johnny Laurinaitis appears. Surprise! Surprise! John doesn't believe anything Punk says. Punk makes it clear that Johnny Boy clearly wanted to be the COO with his "little stooge corporate eyes". How romantic... now Punk is defending HHH's honor. Laurenitis clarifies that his job is to look out for the welfare of the talent, and that he has no aspirations to be the COO. Is THAT who we have to thank for the superstars not having health insurance?
Everyone clarifies to whom they report, and a round of "you're fired," "no, you're not fired" happens. HHH promises to figure out who is swerving who by the end of the night, and uses the word "fired" for the 10,000th time in five minutes (as in someone is going to get fired before the show is over).
Air Boom, Sheamus and Justin Gabriel v. McGillicutty, Otunga, Christian and Wade Barrett
This match is really only valuable for the commentary. Lawler gets in quite a few comments about "boring" McGillicutty, while Cole makes sure to mention (as he does every week) that Barrett is a former bare-knuckle champion. Christian slaps little Evan Bourne in the face, which just isn't cool. After Bourne responds with a knee to Christian's face, Lawler has another gem with: "Christian may be sucking soup through a spoon" after that move. Soon enough, Sheamus enters the match and JR says, "Sheamus enters the ring like a wild Irish bull." Are there bulls in Ireland?
Now. we're on to the standard 6-man tag rules - everyone tries their own finishing maneuver one right after the other. Otunga gets the worst of it, suffering a stiff kick to the face, followed by the Celtic Cross. Interesting note: Otunga is heavier than most of the people Sheamus drills with the Celtic Cross, and Sheamus clearly shows on his face just how hard it is to lift the A-List over his head. In the end, the team of Sheabriairboom wins the match.
Meanwhile...
Cut to HHH talking to "Chad the Referee" about how the refs are nervous that Awesome Truth are dangerous. HHH says he'll take care of it. Not before being confronted by Albie, who is all kinds of upset about the three-way dance at Hell in a Cell. Del Rio won't leave before saying how he prays that Mr. McMahon comes back to run the WWE. Laughs ensue.
Alberto Del Rio v. John Morrison
After losing his title at NOC, Albie arrives to his match in a Porsche valued $200,000 less than the car Cena jacked from him. Apparently not being the champion has already taken a toll on Del Rio's bank account. Morrison, on the other hand, still makes enough dough to maintain his slow motion abs. Del Rio is unimpressed and gives a very Chris Jericho like stink face. Wasting no time, Albie dispatches his trusty arm breaker and Morrison has to tap out.
Promo for Hell in a Cell. Like NOC, it is sponsored by Light Strike, which means more commercials starring Rey Mysterio.
Hugh Jackman and Dolph Ziggler promo
Then, Hugh Jackman comes out. He's handsome, so it's okay that he looks like a kid in a candy store as he runs the ropes. ~Insert movie promo here~
Hugh is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero. Michael Cole has the best line: "The cougar meets the wolverine." LOL. She gets creepy, and Hugh looks nauseous. Dolph then takes the mic, confusing Jackman with Christian Bale. Blah blah blah by Jackman. He also manages to compare Jackman to Mason Ryan.
Then comes a reference to Cleveland being all about the underdog. "We all know that underdog is another word for loser," he says. Jackman won't take that and promises to go in the back to find the biggest underdog imaginable, who he can then help to beat Ziggler. Hugh Jackman pulls a total "fan move" and takes a "Ziggler > Wolverine" sign from a fan as if to confirm that he will indeed be in the corner of the Internet Champion.
The Miz and R-Truth promo
Miz and Truth arrive in a 1990's Jeep Cheroke. They apologize to John Laurinaitis for putting him in an uncomfortable position.
Sin Cara v. Cody Rhodes
Next comes Sin Cara - is it the real one or the fake one? Everyone at Raw Is Real is happy to see that the WWE picked up on our various water cooler conversations about how it's so obvious that they're two different men. Cody Rhodes comes out, followed by the other Sin Cara. Now it's on! Both Sin Caras pull the same moves on their counterpart one after another.l Uno Sin Cara gets drop kicked out of the ring, and the "match" is over. Where did Cody Rhodes go!?
Meanwhile...
HHH drinks his coffee while Awesome Truth apologize for putting their hands on a referee and for interfering in Mr. H's match. Truth even apologizes to all of the Little Jimmies. I mean, Truth calls the man "Trips". Does he want a job with Raw Is Real? The Miz has extremely red eyes - so he's clearly been crying about this for hours. "Trips" accepts their apology. He fines each man $250,000 for touching an official. He then makes a match with the two budding rap stars to face Punk and Cena.
Mark Henry promo
JR informs the audience that Randy Orton has asked for his World Championship rematch at Hell in a Cell. Then, the interview is on - Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, carrying his title belt (since it clearly won't fit around his massive waist). He promises not to forgive JR, and the rest of the people who never supported him or believed in him. He wants JR to apologize on behalf of all of the WWE universe and then for himself. He says that JR once told Vince McMahon to fire him because he was "injury prone and an over achiever". It's the most I've ever heard Mark Henry say in 15 years.
JR apologizes, and the fans are not happy about it. Next thing you know, JR is helpless at the hands of Mark Henry who says, "this is where you beg for your life." Enter Jerry Lawler. Sexual Chocolate lets go of JR only to grab The King, who throws a great right hand, then is just as quickly dropped to the mat with a World's Strongest Slam. It's a wonder Michael "Undefeated at Wrestlemania" Cole didn't get into the ring. Henry pulls apart the announcers' table, so Cole does indeed have to scram. Another World's Strongest Slam for Lawler, right through the table. The fans are heard saying "get Michael Cole". We wish!
Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres v. The Divas of Doom (Beth Phoenix and Natalya)
Kelly Kelly is continuing her job of carrying my fantasy team with all of these title defenses. Thank God. Beth Phoenix continues her job of keeping headband retailers in business. She also seems to want to show off all of her brightly colored skivies, as the skirt appears to be her new wardrobe. "Finish her Beth" can be heard repeatedly, while Natalia auditions for Mortal Combat/Street Fighter in her corner. Nothing exciting here, and Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres win.
Hugh Jackman and Zach Ryder promo
Hugh Jackman recaps Zach Ryder's rise to Internet fame. "You're not an underdog, you're out of your mind. You're kind of delusional. You're perfect!" he says. Is Ryder really going to be Jackman's pick for a match against Dolph? Woo, Woo, Woo, YOU KNOW IT!
Dolph Ziggler v. Zach Ryder (with Hugh Jackman)
Jackman is wearing a Ryder "Broski" bandana. It looks amazing. Ziggler is not impressed. Vickie screams from his corner. Standard. Hugh Jackman channels all of the best managers and valets of the past, as he really does seem to keep Ryder in this match with a series of cheers and commentary. Double clothesline. Dazed, Ryder crawls toward Vickie, who throws a cougar paw in his face and gets herself ejected. Mikey C won't have any of that behavior! Jackman climbs on the apron and punches Ziggler square in the face. Immediate KO! "Ladies and gentlemen, that was a real steal for Zach Ryder." Oh, Michael Cole.
Jack Swagger consoles Vickie with a video package of his greatest moments. He promises that he can help Vickie get some face time with the Wolverine. She agrees to add Swagger to her stable of bleach blondes, and Ziggler looks on disappointed.
John Cena and CM Punk promo
Cena and Punk in one locker room.
Cena: "Partners!"
Punk: "Yeah.."
Cena: "The new Rock and Roll Express."
Punk: "I wouldn't go that far."
Cena then goes on to tell Punk how similar they are. He's right, you know... they're both men, they both have popular t-shirts, they both have someone with the last name "Word" rooting for them in Columbus. Twinsies!
The Miz and R-Truth v. John Cena and CM Punk
Awesome Truth come out to their new REEEEMIX song. The world is shocked as the Miz actually tells Cleveland, his hometown, that they suck. All is right with the world when he gives a coy smile to say he's just kidding.
Girls scream and Punk vomits as Cena removes his shirt. Miz shakes C-Rob's hand (the referee). It's on, and Cena takes it to Miz. Punk makes faces throughout the match. It's about the only thing that makes the majority of the match exciting.
Cole compares The Miz to Ali, which prompts everyone to wonder why Michael Cole isn't more popular with everyone. He's just so supportive. All I can focus on during this match are the fans with the A-W-E-S-O-M-E signs. Perfectly timed and flipped appropriately (read: not upside down). Points for Cleveland. CM Punk's scream of "it's nap tiiiiiiime" snaps me back into the match. Miz fights out of the setup for the GTS with a series of rapid fire elbows. Unfortunately, once dropped, he basically slams in to R-Truth. Oh nooooooooooo! Punk tries again and is successful with the Go to Sleep. Punk gets his hand raised by Cena... and cue HHH's music.
"Punk, good match. Miz, Truth, you're fired." That's it. No explanation. He's the COO. He's wearing pants with crisp pleats. He doesn't need to explain himself. Cut to a shot of the rest of the roster sitting stunned in the back. Miz and Truth attack HHH, and the rest of the roster has to break it up. Awesome Truth are ejected from the building, and Trips rips out his pony tail... followed by a violent shove to an electronics cart.
Friday, September 9, 2011
What They Were Really Thinking: 9/5/11
When the Superstars of the WWE descended on Columbus, Ohio (the home base of the Raw Is Real team) for tonight's RAW super show, I knew there would be some extra special WTWRT moments.
Fan to the right of Swagger: "...them."
CM Punk: "That hair looks so familiar. Is that Bret Hart?!"
"Yep, we're still being called 'Air Boom', and we're contractually obligated to be happy about it."
Michael Cole says, "Great Khali is basically an indentured servant of Jinder Mahal's."
Up in heaven, Martin Luther King Jr. thinks, "Really? Really Michael Cole?!"
"Woah! Eve, you're the size of two Kelly Kellys."
The Miz: "Did he just say 'poop'?!"
Sheamus: "Thanks for hogging the bronzer guys!"
Ricardo Rodriguez: "No one makes Alberto sweaty but me!"
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Raw Recap: 9/5/11
We've got quite the surprise for you fellow WWE RAW fans and sushi lovers. Moose and Goose actually attended RAW live in Columbus, Ohio. John Triton does it for the fans. I do it for the paycheck.
Not only were we there in the flesh but we were contracted by WWE to perform the very important task of seat filling. Look for an article on The Art of the Seat Fill in the future.
Since we were in attendance, we got to see three Superstars! matches beforehand. So I'm going to recap those, as well...
Jokes! I will not be recapping any matches that happened between jobber to the jobber to the stars and Bryan Danielson.
CM Punk intro
The show opens up with my boy CM Skunk. For some reason, he is still going on about Mr. Irrelevant, Kevin Nash. After calling Nash out, he continues to berate him. I did not know this but "Super Shredder" was referencing Kevin Nash's acting debut as none other than Super Shredder in TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze.
The same old story continues as Mr. H's strolls down to the ring. I think I'm the only person who is sick of HHH, as my booing was vastly outmatched by cheers from Little Jimmies around the arena. This time though he gives us a little spoiler nugget. Apparently. he came into some security footage from the Staples Center. Kevin Nash was spotted going into Mr. H's office at the same time Nash received the infamous text. If you're following along: it was Nash, in Mr. H's office, with HHH's cell phone!
Eventually tempers flare and, in the aftermath, Kevin Nash is fired by HHH. At least we can only hope. He's later spotted getting into a limo with Johnny boy, Mr. Laurinaitis.
Air Boom (I can't believe this is a thing) vs. Jinder Mahal & The Great Khali
Again, much to my surprise, I am literally the only person in the arena booing Air Boom. Usually I boo them in the comfort of my living room. If I can't be more vocal than the Little Jimmies on TV, I use the remote to turn down the volume. But even I wasn't delusional enough to think that Jinder Mahal was actually going to win a match, let alone against Air Boom. Some high flying moves were performed, Little Jimmies cheered and all was right in the world.
Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres
Kelly Kelly was the guest announcer for the Diva's #1 Contender Match. I had a Kelly Kelly sign, which you can see below:
At the show, they announced this match would be was a No. 1 Contenders match against Eve but they never announced who her opponent would be. So, I immediately penciled in 30 points for my fantasy stud Beth Phoenix. In the end, Eve Torres continues to be irrelevant and loses this match in a matter of seconds.
CM Skunk vs. R-Truth with The Miz at ringside
This match was interesting because of the Miz factor. With him watching from the outside of the ring, Truth actually had a chance to win this match. Truth dominates throughout the beginning, but eventually Punk overcomes. Miz can be seen making hilarious faces throughout.
At the conclusion, Mr. H's comes out and tells Punk his match against Punk will be a no DQ match. A cheap trick to hide the fact that Mr. H's is rustier than your bike from kindergarten. Punk realizes that HHH has yet to kill anyone in over a decade of sledge hammering, so he accepts after adding his own stipulation: if Trips loses, he must resign as COO. Sorry, Ramsey! This stipulation just cost you major points.
David Otunga & Michael McGillicuddy vs. Jerry Lawler & Zack Ryder
Wow, that was a mouthful. Before the match starts, they show a highlight reel of Zack Ryder's best YouTube clips. As a Zack Ryder mark, I was very entertained. I held up my other sign proudly throughout the entire clip. Maybe I'll be sign of the week?!?
Anyway, if you can't spot squash matches coming a mile away like me, this is one. I mean, if you look in the dictionary next to squash there is probably a picture of a squash. But there should be a picture of this match, instead. After a few tags, Ryder wins in convincing fashion with the Rough Ryder. I'm sure there will be much hoopla about this on his next Z: True Long Island Story.
Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater
Pete & Pete jobs to Randy Orton.
John Cena + Morrison + Sheamus + A-Ry vs. Wade Barett + Christian + Swagger + Ziggler
I'm getting bored of typing, so this last match recap will be randomly thrown together. Kind of like the match itself. Heyyyy ohhhh! It's a four vs. four tag team elimination match. I'm licking my chops at the mounds of points my all-heel fantasy team is going to rack up. That is, until Swagger poaches all of the elimination points. He's the Lendale White to my Chris Johnson. Swagger takes out both A-Ry and Morrison. There are multiple stories being told in this match. Swagger and Ziggler are squabbling with each other. My boy Christian is counted out after running away from Sheamus. John Cena takes on Ziggler and Swagger all by himself. Just another day in the WWE.
After Raw goes off the air
Ha, you forgot that we were at the show didn't you!? Ricardo Rodriguez get's AA'd and put to sleep by Cena and Punk. They then go outside the ring and sign autographs for the rich people who have front row seats. Punk ends up flirting with some hot blonde chick for like three minutes as she gets photographs, autographs, and a choreographed dance number. That last one was a lie. I watch on from the cheap seats (seats were actually really good) in envy. I want to go down there and get Punk to sign my shirt but my wife Moose attended No Fun University and says I'm not allowed down there. I think she just wanted to leave so she could buy her $40 worth of Cena gear.
Not only were we there in the flesh but we were contracted by WWE to perform the very important task of seat filling. Look for an article on The Art of the Seat Fill in the future.
Since we were in attendance, we got to see three Superstars! matches beforehand. So I'm going to recap those, as well...
Jokes! I will not be recapping any matches that happened between jobber to the jobber to the stars and Bryan Danielson.
CM Punk intro
The show opens up with my boy CM Skunk. For some reason, he is still going on about Mr. Irrelevant, Kevin Nash. After calling Nash out, he continues to berate him. I did not know this but "Super Shredder" was referencing Kevin Nash's acting debut as none other than Super Shredder in TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze.
The same old story continues as Mr. H's strolls down to the ring. I think I'm the only person who is sick of HHH, as my booing was vastly outmatched by cheers from Little Jimmies around the arena. This time though he gives us a little spoiler nugget. Apparently. he came into some security footage from the Staples Center. Kevin Nash was spotted going into Mr. H's office at the same time Nash received the infamous text. If you're following along: it was Nash, in Mr. H's office, with HHH's cell phone!Eventually tempers flare and, in the aftermath, Kevin Nash is fired by HHH. At least we can only hope. He's later spotted getting into a limo with Johnny boy, Mr. Laurinaitis.
Air Boom (I can't believe this is a thing) vs. Jinder Mahal & The Great Khali
Again, much to my surprise, I am literally the only person in the arena booing Air Boom. Usually I boo them in the comfort of my living room. If I can't be more vocal than the Little Jimmies on TV, I use the remote to turn down the volume. But even I wasn't delusional enough to think that Jinder Mahal was actually going to win a match, let alone against Air Boom. Some high flying moves were performed, Little Jimmies cheered and all was right in the world.
Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres
Kelly Kelly was the guest announcer for the Diva's #1 Contender Match. I had a Kelly Kelly sign, which you can see below:
At the show, they announced this match would be was a No. 1 Contenders match against Eve but they never announced who her opponent would be. So, I immediately penciled in 30 points for my fantasy stud Beth Phoenix. In the end, Eve Torres continues to be irrelevant and loses this match in a matter of seconds.
CM Skunk vs. R-Truth with The Miz at ringside
This match was interesting because of the Miz factor. With him watching from the outside of the ring, Truth actually had a chance to win this match. Truth dominates throughout the beginning, but eventually Punk overcomes. Miz can be seen making hilarious faces throughout.
At the conclusion, Mr. H's comes out and tells Punk his match against Punk will be a no DQ match. A cheap trick to hide the fact that Mr. H's is rustier than your bike from kindergarten. Punk realizes that HHH has yet to kill anyone in over a decade of sledge hammering, so he accepts after adding his own stipulation: if Trips loses, he must resign as COO. Sorry, Ramsey! This stipulation just cost you major points.
David Otunga & Michael McGillicuddy vs. Jerry Lawler & Zack Ryder
Wow, that was a mouthful. Before the match starts, they show a highlight reel of Zack Ryder's best YouTube clips. As a Zack Ryder mark, I was very entertained. I held up my other sign proudly throughout the entire clip. Maybe I'll be sign of the week?!?
Anyway, if you can't spot squash matches coming a mile away like me, this is one. I mean, if you look in the dictionary next to squash there is probably a picture of a squash. But there should be a picture of this match, instead. After a few tags, Ryder wins in convincing fashion with the Rough Ryder. I'm sure there will be much hoopla about this on his next Z: True Long Island Story.
Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater
Pete & Pete jobs to Randy Orton.
John Cena + Morrison + Sheamus + A-Ry vs. Wade Barett + Christian + Swagger + Ziggler
I'm getting bored of typing, so this last match recap will be randomly thrown together. Kind of like the match itself. Heyyyy ohhhh! It's a four vs. four tag team elimination match. I'm licking my chops at the mounds of points my all-heel fantasy team is going to rack up. That is, until Swagger poaches all of the elimination points. He's the Lendale White to my Chris Johnson. Swagger takes out both A-Ry and Morrison. There are multiple stories being told in this match. Swagger and Ziggler are squabbling with each other. My boy Christian is counted out after running away from Sheamus. John Cena takes on Ziggler and Swagger all by himself. Just another day in the WWE.
After Raw goes off the air
Ha, you forgot that we were at the show didn't you!? Ricardo Rodriguez get's AA'd and put to sleep by Cena and Punk. They then go outside the ring and sign autographs for the rich people who have front row seats. Punk ends up flirting with some hot blonde chick for like three minutes as she gets photographs, autographs, and a choreographed dance number. That last one was a lie. I watch on from the cheap seats (seats were actually really good) in envy. I want to go down there and get Punk to sign my shirt but my wife Moose attended No Fun University and says I'm not allowed down there. I think she just wanted to leave so she could buy her $40 worth of Cena gear.
Monday, August 22, 2011
What They Were Really Thinking... at SummerSlam
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| "We both immediately regret this decision!" |
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| "I just had my brows done!" |
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| Dude to the left of Mark Henry: "Pleeease don't land on me!" |
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| "First, are those Kelly Kelly's pants?! Second, friends don't let friends get this haircut." |
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| Ref: "Man, I didn't even have to pay to see this action." |
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| "Ohh... shiny!" |
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Raw Recap: 8/8/11
Opening promo:
This was fairly boring. Trips sells the champion vs champion match for SummerSlam. I was too busy looking at the troll face sign behind him, so I totally missed him say he will be officiating the match. This adds an interesting element. I don't understand why he would officiate if he wasn't going to interfere in some way. It adds a bit of unpredictability to the match and I feel the WWE has done well in that respect.
Mr. H's says Punk and Cena will be having squash matches tonight. Cena will wrestle next.
John Cena vs. Jack Swagger
Cena comes out first and then they cut to commercial. By the time the commercial break ends, the poor fans in the arena have been listening to Cena's shitty intro music for about 10 minutes. Imagine running a mile with "ba na na naaaaah" on repeat. Are you imagining it? Heinous, right?
We still don't know who Cena's opponent is, but finally the All American American comes out. He doesn't do his push ups, so you know he's going to lose. He's flustered. He does do his airplane run around the ring, though. Swagger botches half a dozen moves before Cena wins with the Five Moves of Doom.
Alberto Del Rio promo:
He speaks some Spanish and calls Punk the voice of the Godless. Or gutless. I couldn't really tell. Either way gets his point across, I guess. He's going to be facing Punk later in the night. Is it Thanksgiving? Because there appear to be plentiful helpings of squash.
R-Truth promo:
Dude is crazy. Josh Josherston starts the interview by asking Truth why he would hurt his friend John Morrison (...four months after the fact). Truth proceeds to not answer the question, instead asking several of his own. It's established that there may or may not be 10 hot dogs per package. Josh doesn't say anything else. If you're counting fantasy points, that's five right there for a perfect promo!
Rey Mysterio gets his ass beat:
Mysterio comes out and only gets through half of his pyrotechnics before Miz enters and just brutally beats the shit out of him. Like, to the point where I thought it was a little real. Cole then goes to interview Miz and Miz cuts an intense promo. Well, it was intense until he mentioned the reason he should be noticed is because he is trending worldwide on twitter and he presented at the Teen Choice Awards. High accolades, Miz. After the dust clears, Mr. H's makes Miz face Kofi Kingston - to the excitement of nobody.
The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston:
This is a really good match. Kofi got to hit some high flying spots, while Miz was selling his frustration in the ring. In the end, Miz counters one of Kofi's moves, dazes him by throwing him onto the top rope, and hits a Skull Crushing Finale for the win. Despite the impressive victory, as of this moment Miz is still not on the SummerSlam card. (Del Rio, Ziggler, Truth, et al. are probably thinking he can join the club.)
CM Punk promo:
Calls out Trips for having a huge ego. Then says he's going to kick Alberto Del Rio's teeth down his throat. Short and succulent.
CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio:
Del Rio comes out in a 2010 Audi RA 430 HP worth $130,000. King then says the contract in Rio's MITB briefcase is worth a lot more. Um, probably not true. The match itself is pretty short. Del Rio works on Punk's arm for the better part of the match, but Punk eventually wins with the Go To Sleep. Punk sells the arm injury by brushing the ref aside as he tries to raise Punk's arm up.
Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres
Want another helping of squash? Your plate looks empty. (This portion comes with plenty of headband!) Beth wins in pretty convincing fashion with the Glam Slam. Beth is sick of the divas making a mockery of the division: "No more booty popping, no more splits, no more stink faces." King replies, "Takes out about 90 percent of the the fun of the divas division to me." Amen.
Kelly Kelly enters unnoticed and takes out Beth Phoenix from behind. What a buildup for SummerSlam!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Alex Riley
Vintage A-Ry promo. "Vickie, I don't want to say you have bad breath or anything, but it smells like death itself just took a dump in your mouth." So he doesn't want to say she has bad breath, but he does it anyway? What a douche.
Match ends up getting thrown out when Vickie interferes. Ziggler and Vickie get in a fight and then she walks off without him, screeching like a disgruntled weasel.
Twix: Twix it up with Twix!
Brought to you by Twix. Sometimes your day is just a Twixer-upper.... Twix it up with Twix!
R-Truth vs. John Morrison
Another pretty good match. JoMo hits his usual spots. Truth hits some vicious moves, as well. In the end, Truth wins with his finisher. I still don't know what it's called.
CM Punk and John Cena contract signing:
Just another epic promo from these two men. Mr. H's and John Laurinaitis are out here, too, but they really don't say much. And The Rock makes a surprise appearance! I don't want to sell this promo short so please watch it. It's well worth the time. It starts at the end of the first video.
Superlatives:
Who got got?
John Laurinaitis gets Mau Tai kicked in the head.
Most predictable moment:
All three squash matches involving Punk, Cena, and Beth Phoenix.
Most awkward moment:
Beth Phoenix was teasing a nip slip for the better part of her match.
This was fairly boring. Trips sells the champion vs champion match for SummerSlam. I was too busy looking at the troll face sign behind him, so I totally missed him say he will be officiating the match. This adds an interesting element. I don't understand why he would officiate if he wasn't going to interfere in some way. It adds a bit of unpredictability to the match and I feel the WWE has done well in that respect.
Mr. H's says Punk and Cena will be having squash matches tonight. Cena will wrestle next.
John Cena vs. Jack Swagger
Cena comes out first and then they cut to commercial. By the time the commercial break ends, the poor fans in the arena have been listening to Cena's shitty intro music for about 10 minutes. Imagine running a mile with "ba na na naaaaah" on repeat. Are you imagining it? Heinous, right?
We still don't know who Cena's opponent is, but finally the All American American comes out. He doesn't do his push ups, so you know he's going to lose. He's flustered. He does do his airplane run around the ring, though. Swagger botches half a dozen moves before Cena wins with the Five Moves of Doom.
Alberto Del Rio promo:
He speaks some Spanish and calls Punk the voice of the Godless. Or gutless. I couldn't really tell. Either way gets his point across, I guess. He's going to be facing Punk later in the night. Is it Thanksgiving? Because there appear to be plentiful helpings of squash.
R-Truth promo:
Dude is crazy. Josh Josherston starts the interview by asking Truth why he would hurt his friend John Morrison (...four months after the fact). Truth proceeds to not answer the question, instead asking several of his own. It's established that there may or may not be 10 hot dogs per package. Josh doesn't say anything else. If you're counting fantasy points, that's five right there for a perfect promo!
Rey Mysterio gets his ass beat:
Mysterio comes out and only gets through half of his pyrotechnics before Miz enters and just brutally beats the shit out of him. Like, to the point where I thought it was a little real. Cole then goes to interview Miz and Miz cuts an intense promo. Well, it was intense until he mentioned the reason he should be noticed is because he is trending worldwide on twitter and he presented at the Teen Choice Awards. High accolades, Miz. After the dust clears, Mr. H's makes Miz face Kofi Kingston - to the excitement of nobody.
The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston:
This is a really good match. Kofi got to hit some high flying spots, while Miz was selling his frustration in the ring. In the end, Miz counters one of Kofi's moves, dazes him by throwing him onto the top rope, and hits a Skull Crushing Finale for the win. Despite the impressive victory, as of this moment Miz is still not on the SummerSlam card. (Del Rio, Ziggler, Truth, et al. are probably thinking he can join the club.)
CM Punk promo:
Calls out Trips for having a huge ego. Then says he's going to kick Alberto Del Rio's teeth down his throat. Short and succulent.
CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio:
Del Rio comes out in a 2010 Audi RA 430 HP worth $130,000. King then says the contract in Rio's MITB briefcase is worth a lot more. Um, probably not true. The match itself is pretty short. Del Rio works on Punk's arm for the better part of the match, but Punk eventually wins with the Go To Sleep. Punk sells the arm injury by brushing the ref aside as he tries to raise Punk's arm up.
Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres
Want another helping of squash? Your plate looks empty. (This portion comes with plenty of headband!) Beth wins in pretty convincing fashion with the Glam Slam. Beth is sick of the divas making a mockery of the division: "No more booty popping, no more splits, no more stink faces." King replies, "Takes out about 90 percent of the the fun of the divas division to me." Amen.
Kelly Kelly enters unnoticed and takes out Beth Phoenix from behind. What a buildup for SummerSlam!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Alex Riley
Vintage A-Ry promo. "Vickie, I don't want to say you have bad breath or anything, but it smells like death itself just took a dump in your mouth." So he doesn't want to say she has bad breath, but he does it anyway? What a douche.
Match ends up getting thrown out when Vickie interferes. Ziggler and Vickie get in a fight and then she walks off without him, screeching like a disgruntled weasel.
Twix: Twix it up with Twix!
Brought to you by Twix. Sometimes your day is just a Twixer-upper.... Twix it up with Twix!
R-Truth vs. John Morrison
Another pretty good match. JoMo hits his usual spots. Truth hits some vicious moves, as well. In the end, Truth wins with his finisher. I still don't know what it's called.
CM Punk and John Cena contract signing:
Just another epic promo from these two men. Mr. H's and John Laurinaitis are out here, too, but they really don't say much. And The Rock makes a surprise appearance! I don't want to sell this promo short so please watch it. It's well worth the time. It starts at the end of the first video.
Superlatives:
Who got got?
John Laurinaitis gets Mau Tai kicked in the head.
Most predictable moment:
All three squash matches involving Punk, Cena, and Beth Phoenix.
Most awkward moment:
Beth Phoenix was teasing a nip slip for the better part of her match.
SummerSlam Preview: Diva's Championship (Kelly Kelly (c) vs. Beth Phoenix)
We're less than a week from SummerSlam! To get us all in the PPV spirit, we're previewing the coming matches and recapping the story lines leading up to the big event.
In the WWE recently, there haven’t been too many compelling story lines around the Divas. Much more so than in the male division, the Divas are split into a babyface group and a heel group. For some reason, all of the faces are best friends and all the heels also are best friends (but we aren’t supposed to like them. Obviously.)
These groups are rigidly defined – divas like Alicia Fox, Maryse and the Bella Twins have been heels seemingly forever. Meanwhile, Kelly Kelly, Eve, Beth Phoenix and former Diva Gail Kim were always faces. No one ever turned from one group to the other…
UNTIL MONDAY, AUGUST 1, 2011. On this fateful date, a battle royale to determine who would face defending champion Kelly Kelly at SummerSlam took place between all the Divas. The powerful Beth Phoenix – the Glamazon! – was declared the victor of this match. Kelly Kelly was obviously thrilled that Beth won. After all, someone in the “face” stable of Divas won the match! She runs in to excitedly hug Beth, who attacks her in response! Boos are heard in the arena because every WWE fan loves Kelly Kelly. Turns seem to never happen in the Diva division, but not that day!
On paper, Beth Phoenix is going to win. Here is what Beth has going for her:
- Outweighs Kelly Kelly by more than 33% of her body weight (150 pounds vs. 108 pounds)
- Former amateur wrestling champion
- Wears a full set of tights – no need to worry about losing her top during an errant move
- Glam Slam has a better finisher name than Kelly Kick
Here’s what Kelly Kelly has going for her:
- #82 on Maxim’s Hot 100
- Clip-in hair extensions could potentially detach if her hair is pulled, surprising Beth long enough for Kelly to take advantage
- Fan support (definitely) and creative support (more than likely)
How can Kelly Kelly possibly overcome the power of the Glamazon?
In the WWE recently, there haven’t been too many compelling story lines around the Divas. Much more so than in the male division, the Divas are split into a babyface group and a heel group. For some reason, all of the faces are best friends and all the heels also are best friends (but we aren’t supposed to like them. Obviously.)
These groups are rigidly defined – divas like Alicia Fox, Maryse and the Bella Twins have been heels seemingly forever. Meanwhile, Kelly Kelly, Eve, Beth Phoenix and former Diva Gail Kim were always faces. No one ever turned from one group to the other…
UNTIL MONDAY, AUGUST 1, 2011. On this fateful date, a battle royale to determine who would face defending champion Kelly Kelly at SummerSlam took place between all the Divas. The powerful Beth Phoenix – the Glamazon! – was declared the victor of this match. Kelly Kelly was obviously thrilled that Beth won. After all, someone in the “face” stable of Divas won the match! She runs in to excitedly hug Beth, who attacks her in response! Boos are heard in the arena because every WWE fan loves Kelly Kelly. Turns seem to never happen in the Diva division, but not that day!
On paper, Beth Phoenix is going to win. Here is what Beth has going for her:
- Outweighs Kelly Kelly by more than 33% of her body weight (150 pounds vs. 108 pounds)
- Former amateur wrestling champion
- Wears a full set of tights – no need to worry about losing her top during an errant move
- Glam Slam has a better finisher name than Kelly Kick
Here’s what Kelly Kelly has going for her:
- #82 on Maxim’s Hot 100
- Clip-in hair extensions could potentially detach if her hair is pulled, surprising Beth long enough for Kelly to take advantage
- Fan support (definitely) and creative support (more than likely)
How can Kelly Kelly possibly overcome the power of the Glamazon?
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Raw Recap: 8/1/11
It's the first Raw Rundown! Cue the classy piano music and slow motion recaps of MITB. Cut to Rey Mysterio jobbing the WWE Title to John Cena. The only way Rey could have lost that title faster was to get in a DeLorean, travel 88 mph and lose it to John Cena before he won it. Anyway, enter CM Punk with his new theme music and you have the intro to Raw. For the first time we have two "legitimate" WWE Champions. At least that's what Cole says. I'm pretty sure they had two people holding the same title before, but I digress. All I know is that the only way this can be resolved is to strip one of these men of their title. There is no possible way there will be a unification match at Summerslam.
Back to Punk. He is getting pretty big pops from the crowd. In his interview with Bill Simmons, Punk says he won't be typecast into a "face" or "heel" role. He will just be Punk. Well, Punk shoots a promo and says he's coming back to make this fun again. He laments that in his two-week absence, the WWE has already reverted to the 'status quo' with John Cena winning the WWE Title. For far too long, the WWE Universe has been fed scraps. Punk will be our savior. He calls out a little jimmy in the crowd and makes fun of his replica belt. Punk doesn't have a belt. He has a Championship Title. He actually calls it the most important title in the world. I don't know if that's true, but sure - I'll bite.
Triple H, hereafter called Mr. H's, blasts his music and makes his way to the ring. Punk is trying to talk over the music, which is humorous. He eventually gives up. "Apparently, it's time to play the game," he says. Punk later makes fun of Mr. H's entrance song by saying something to the effect of "I like Motorhead as much as the next guy, but...".
These two battle it out on the mic for a good 10 minutes. H's thinks Punk is overrated and has a big ego. Punk says they are alike in that respect. He goes on to flip Mr. H's tie in his face while saying "What? Are you gonna punch me? Or do you have to go ask your wife first?" Triple H is trying extremely hard to not crack up, but you can see a very distinct smile on his face. Stop breaking Kayfabe Hunter!
People think Mr. H's is great at cutting promos, but I think he's a bit rusty. He literally called Punk a "skinny, fat ass". Just last week he used the phrase "quite frankly" four times in the span of a two-minute promo. I apologize for the aside. Back to RAW!
My girl Kelly Kelly, Kay-Two, K-squared, is at ringside to watch the hotly anticipated Diva's Battle Royale. The winner will become the next #1 Contender. JR asks K2 who she has her eye on. K2 says she thinks it's Beth's time. God damn spoiler alert Kelly Kelly! Jesus Christ... Well, whatever. Nobody's listening so it probably won't be a big deal. Lawler chimes in to let us know he's got his eyes on Kelly Kelly. Yah, we know.
Divas are literally rolling out of the ring without any form of contact. Gail Kim will not job to the likes of Alicia Fox, so instead of participating she just rolls out of the ring unnoticed. Check her twitter for up-to-date drama. She's over 30, and with this stunt I wouldn't be surprised if she is wished well in her future endeavors.
I'm already in paragraph three for a divas match so I must be doing it wrong. It ends up being Beth Phoenix vs. the Bella Twins. She is a glamazon after all and, if you didn't know, that means a hot amazon or something. So she's strong. Strong enough to lift both Bella twins up on her shoulders and toss them out of the ring to become the new #1 Contender. My girl K2 is sooooo happy for her and goes to give her a hug. HEEL TURN ALERT. She throws K2 out of the ring then just tosses her into the barricade. What a bitch.
My boy Miz and R-Truth are in the back talking conspiracies. They are tag partners for tonight vs. Rey Mysterio and John Morrison. This is actually a really good match. A lot of kickouts, counters, and false finishes. It ends with Truth on the ropes from a Morrison kick to the head. Mysterio is about to go for the six-one-nine. BUT MIZ PULLS HIS LEGS FROM UNDER HIM AND THROWS HIM OUT OF THE RING. Guess it was a dropped call from the 619 area code. Morrison takes out Miz but Truth is still the legal man. Morrison turns around and Truth does his finisher, whatever it's called. ONE! TWO! THREE! Miz gives Morrison a Skull Crushing Finale for good measure, and Truth hits him upside the head with a water bottle. Good. F*** that guy.
Ziggler and Vickie come out to huge heat. Dolph lets us know he's more of a man than any of us. Considering the average WWE fan, that's probably true and I won't refute it. Alex Riley comes out and ruins the party. Cole puts it perfectly: "Go Away." Dolph says things like, "Who are you?" and "I don't even know who you are," like 20 times while A-Ry is ranting. A-Ry challenges Dolph to a fight, but Ziggler is above wrestling no-name talents and just exits the ring.
Commercial break, then enter Alberto Del Rio. He comes out in a classic Rolls Royce. I think we need a segment on the estimated value of his car. It could be a fun poll. Anyways, this one is worth over $100,000, making it one of the more expensive cars he's driven as of late. We are treated to his white waterfall pyro, of which I am a huge fan. For some Godforsaken reason he is wrestling Evan Bourne (who weighs less than I do, by the way). It's your standard squash match. Rio puts him in the arm bar and makes him tap. Then, he celebrates for a bit and puts him in another one for good measure. Kofi comes out to save the day, but nobody cares but Mickey Mouse aka Evan Bourne himself.
Some kind of poll was advertised where you go to vote for the true champ at WWE.com. Can you believe that 54 percent of the WWE Universe thinks Cena is the true champ? Are they f***ing delusional? Did they ask their parents' permission to use the computer first? In no logical world is John Cena the true champion, but I digress.
Just in case you didn't catch it, not a single face won a match. I haven't been watching Raw that long, but that seems pretty rare.
Final promo of the night is about to begin. Hampton from Tiny Toons enters. Oh, I mean John Cena. Hamming it up, as usual. He rolls up to shoot a three-pointer and references Larry Bird. Wow, way to go for cheap pops while you're in Indianapolis, dude! Eventually the big three are in the ring talking about what will happen with the WWE Title(s). I shit you not, but Mr. H's suggests A MATCH AT SUMMERSLAM TO UNIFY THE TITLES. TALK ABOUT A CURVE BALL! If you recall from my first paragraph, I could have sworn Mr. H's would have just stripped the title from one of them.
The show ends with Punk and Cena holding their respective titles up and having an awkward theme song battle. I hope the sound guys got paid extra for that crap.
Back to Punk. He is getting pretty big pops from the crowd. In his interview with Bill Simmons, Punk says he won't be typecast into a "face" or "heel" role. He will just be Punk. Well, Punk shoots a promo and says he's coming back to make this fun again. He laments that in his two-week absence, the WWE has already reverted to the 'status quo' with John Cena winning the WWE Title. For far too long, the WWE Universe has been fed scraps. Punk will be our savior. He calls out a little jimmy in the crowd and makes fun of his replica belt. Punk doesn't have a belt. He has a Championship Title. He actually calls it the most important title in the world. I don't know if that's true, but sure - I'll bite.
Triple H, hereafter called Mr. H's, blasts his music and makes his way to the ring. Punk is trying to talk over the music, which is humorous. He eventually gives up. "Apparently, it's time to play the game," he says. Punk later makes fun of Mr. H's entrance song by saying something to the effect of "I like Motorhead as much as the next guy, but...".
These two battle it out on the mic for a good 10 minutes. H's thinks Punk is overrated and has a big ego. Punk says they are alike in that respect. He goes on to flip Mr. H's tie in his face while saying "What? Are you gonna punch me? Or do you have to go ask your wife first?" Triple H is trying extremely hard to not crack up, but you can see a very distinct smile on his face. Stop breaking Kayfabe Hunter!
People think Mr. H's is great at cutting promos, but I think he's a bit rusty. He literally called Punk a "skinny, fat ass". Just last week he used the phrase "quite frankly" four times in the span of a two-minute promo. I apologize for the aside. Back to RAW!
My girl Kelly Kelly, Kay-Two, K-squared, is at ringside to watch the hotly anticipated Diva's Battle Royale. The winner will become the next #1 Contender. JR asks K2 who she has her eye on. K2 says she thinks it's Beth's time. God damn spoiler alert Kelly Kelly! Jesus Christ... Well, whatever. Nobody's listening so it probably won't be a big deal. Lawler chimes in to let us know he's got his eyes on Kelly Kelly. Yah, we know.
Divas are literally rolling out of the ring without any form of contact. Gail Kim will not job to the likes of Alicia Fox, so instead of participating she just rolls out of the ring unnoticed. Check her twitter for up-to-date drama. She's over 30, and with this stunt I wouldn't be surprised if she is wished well in her future endeavors.
I'm already in paragraph three for a divas match so I must be doing it wrong. It ends up being Beth Phoenix vs. the Bella Twins. She is a glamazon after all and, if you didn't know, that means a hot amazon or something. So she's strong. Strong enough to lift both Bella twins up on her shoulders and toss them out of the ring to become the new #1 Contender. My girl K2 is sooooo happy for her and goes to give her a hug. HEEL TURN ALERT. She throws K2 out of the ring then just tosses her into the barricade. What a bitch.
My boy Miz and R-Truth are in the back talking conspiracies. They are tag partners for tonight vs. Rey Mysterio and John Morrison. This is actually a really good match. A lot of kickouts, counters, and false finishes. It ends with Truth on the ropes from a Morrison kick to the head. Mysterio is about to go for the six-one-nine. BUT MIZ PULLS HIS LEGS FROM UNDER HIM AND THROWS HIM OUT OF THE RING. Guess it was a dropped call from the 619 area code. Morrison takes out Miz but Truth is still the legal man. Morrison turns around and Truth does his finisher, whatever it's called. ONE! TWO! THREE! Miz gives Morrison a Skull Crushing Finale for good measure, and Truth hits him upside the head with a water bottle. Good. F*** that guy.
Ziggler and Vickie come out to huge heat. Dolph lets us know he's more of a man than any of us. Considering the average WWE fan, that's probably true and I won't refute it. Alex Riley comes out and ruins the party. Cole puts it perfectly: "Go Away." Dolph says things like, "Who are you?" and "I don't even know who you are," like 20 times while A-Ry is ranting. A-Ry challenges Dolph to a fight, but Ziggler is above wrestling no-name talents and just exits the ring.
Commercial break, then enter Alberto Del Rio. He comes out in a classic Rolls Royce. I think we need a segment on the estimated value of his car. It could be a fun poll. Anyways, this one is worth over $100,000, making it one of the more expensive cars he's driven as of late. We are treated to his white waterfall pyro, of which I am a huge fan. For some Godforsaken reason he is wrestling Evan Bourne (who weighs less than I do, by the way). It's your standard squash match. Rio puts him in the arm bar and makes him tap. Then, he celebrates for a bit and puts him in another one for good measure. Kofi comes out to save the day, but nobody cares but Mickey Mouse aka Evan Bourne himself.
Some kind of poll was advertised where you go to vote for the true champ at WWE.com. Can you believe that 54 percent of the WWE Universe thinks Cena is the true champ? Are they f***ing delusional? Did they ask their parents' permission to use the computer first? In no logical world is John Cena the true champion, but I digress.
Just in case you didn't catch it, not a single face won a match. I haven't been watching Raw that long, but that seems pretty rare.
Final promo of the night is about to begin. Hampton from Tiny Toons enters. Oh, I mean John Cena. Hamming it up, as usual. He rolls up to shoot a three-pointer and references Larry Bird. Wow, way to go for cheap pops while you're in Indianapolis, dude! Eventually the big three are in the ring talking about what will happen with the WWE Title(s). I shit you not, but Mr. H's suggests A MATCH AT SUMMERSLAM TO UNIFY THE TITLES. TALK ABOUT A CURVE BALL! If you recall from my first paragraph, I could have sworn Mr. H's would have just stripped the title from one of them.
The show ends with Punk and Cena holding their respective titles up and having an awkward theme song battle. I hope the sound guys got paid extra for that crap.
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