Opening promo
Birdo has decided to call himself the greatest of the great, which seems like a bad move when you’re in Canada. Oh, there it is. Bret Hart is in the building. The Hitman might be the best there ever will be, but his persistence in sticking to this hairstyle despite the effects of aging is basically the definition of the worst. ADR says Bret’s appearance reminds him of the Canadians he hires to clean his house. I was not aware there was a big rivalry between Mexico and Canada, but I like it!
Cena, of course, hates anything that I like so he powers up. He accuses Del Rio of running away like a little bitch. The champ disputes this, but then promptly hides behind the skirts of Ricardo Rodriguez. Cena, who thinks he books Raw now, suggests a Hart vs. Del Rio match. Why not all four, asks Johnny Ace?
John Morrison and Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger
Are you kidding me? We missed Morrison’s intro during the commercial? I love watching that dude’s hair in slow motion. The whole match is just a pretense for more feuding between Jack and Dolph over the heart of Vickie Guerrero. The two argue and refuse to tag the other, resulting in a loss.
R-Truth and The Miz promo
The ever-growing list of people in on the conspiracy against these two now includes BS Punk and possibly ninjas. Both believe that they should be the main event every night. Look, I have to agree. It doesn’t get better than this:
The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
A clean win here for The Miz, despite Truth’s presence at ringside. I’d guess that will be part of the conspiracy when they lose at Night of Champions. I hope they build suspense with this rivalry and really make the fight over the tag team belt exciting. Though with a name like Air Bore, how exciting can it be?
Vickie Guerrero and Kelly Kelly promo
Teddy Bear says that Ziggler will defend his title against Swags, A-Ry and Morrison at Night of Champions. Finally! I’m a fan of Dolph, but he’s had this belt without much competition for way too long. Vickie is upset about this turn of events, and lets Teddy know it. Kelly Kelly suggests that if Vickie were more like her maybe she’d get her way. Ah, so you’re saying it’s all an act, Kelly?
David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Jerry Lawler and Sheamus
And McGuillicutty speaks! Lawler continues to insist that the former tag team champs have no personality. Otunga and McGuill do pretty much nothing to prove him wrong. Sheamus hits a couple of Braugh Kicks, then an Irish Cross for the pin on McGuill. Blah, blah, blah, whatever.
Meanwhile, backstage
Ric-Rod apparently thinks milk is an aphrodisiac? He might be trying to give Birdo a hint, but the champ just seems disgusted.
John Cena and Bret Hart vs. Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez
Surprise, surprise! Bret Hart doesn’t actually wrestle. Cena squashes Ric, while Birdo does everything he can to stay out of the ring. John finishes Ric-Rod off with the AA and tags Hart in for a sharpshooter. This was almost entirely pointless.
Kelly Kelly vs. Vickie Guererro
Another pretense of a match to build up the Swagger-Ziggler feud. A ringside argument breaks out into a fight and Vickie is distracted enough for Kelly Kelly to easily roll her up for the win. One last win before Beth takes that belt from her, I hope.
Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes
I’m really not a fan of this brand integration thing, but Orton and Rhodes are two people I wouldn’t mind seeing on Raw every week. Cody’s very deliberate way of speaking is captivating and amusing at the same time. And Randy Orton is just a sadistic son-of-a-bitch.
Mark Henry is at ringside for most of this match to distract Randy with his impending doom. It’s enough to allow Rhodes to get in a hit with his face mask and finish Orton off with the Cross Rhodes.
CM Punk and Triple H promo
OK, this thing started off with the same old complaints from Punk and the same old deflections from Mr. H’s, but boy did it take off at the end.
Punk claims that H’s and Vince both believe that smaller guys have no place in the ring and that, as a result, Punk has been held back. Hunter disagrees, referencing the likes of Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and Rey Mysterio. Point H’s.
H’s tells Punk to stop worrying about his opinion and focus on what the fans think about him. Punk asks if Trips is even listening to the fans, who immediately begin a chant for Punk. Point Punk.
Trips says Punk will know he’s made it big when Seven Eleven is begging him to be on slushie cups and not the other way around. Punk asks where his ice cream bars are, in that case. Point Punk.
Mr. H’s points out all the opportunities Punk has accumulated over the years that he claims he has been overlooked: titles, main events, MITB briefcases. Perhaps it’s his own fault he’s not over? Point H’s.
Triple H advises Punk to be more like John Cena. Uh, no thank you. Point Punk.
H’s says that no matter how Punk tries to spin their match to be about business, it’s all personal now. QUITE FRANKLY, Trips is just a man. A man who will kick some skinny skinny fat ass on Sunday. Punk counters that his quest for the holy grail will not end until he sees H’s gone.
Then, shit gets real, guys. “This isn’t CM Punk talking to Triple H, this is Phil Brooks talking to Paul Levesque,” and cue the mic cut off. H’s offers his own, but that also goes out with just one utterance of “Paul”. A third mic is found, but Punk uses that to bash H’s head in.
Superlatives
Who got got?
Triple H, who not only loses the points battle, but also gets a nice bump on his forehead from that mic. I think it was a little real, guys.
Most predictable moment
The loss suffered by
David Otunga and
Michael McGuillicutty. Why are these two still employed at this point? To put Jerry Lawler over?
Most awkward moment
Kelly Kelly has a difficult time remembering all of three lines and stares over Vickie’s shoulder during their backstage promo, most likely at cue cards.
