Raw Recap: 9/12/11

Opening promo

Birdo has decided to call himself the greatest of the great, which seems like a bad move when you’re in Canada. Oh, there it is. Bret Hart is in the building. The Hitman might be the best there ever will be, but his persistence in sticking to this hairstyle despite the effects of aging is basically the definition of the worst. ADR says Bret’s appearance reminds him of the Canadians he hires to clean his house. I was not aware there was a big rivalry between Mexico and Canada, but I like it!

Cena, of course, hates anything that I like so he powers up. He accuses Del Rio of running away like a little bitch. The champ disputes this, but then promptly hides behind the skirts of Ricardo Rodriguez. Cena, who thinks he books Raw now, suggests a Hart vs. Del Rio match. Why not all four, asks Johnny Ace?

John Morrison and Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger

Are you kidding me? We missed Morrison’s intro during the commercial? I love watching that dude’s hair in slow motion. The whole match is just a pretense for more feuding between Jack and Dolph over the heart of Vickie Guerrero. The two argue and refuse to tag the other, resulting in a loss.

R-Truth and The Miz promo

The ever-growing list of people in on the conspiracy against these two now includes BS Punk and possibly ninjas. Both believe that they should be the main event every night. Look, I have to agree. It doesn’t get better than this:




The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston

A clean win here for The Miz, despite Truth’s presence at ringside. I’d guess that will be part of the conspiracy when they lose at Night of Champions. I hope they build suspense with this rivalry and really make the fight over the tag team belt exciting. Though with a name like Air Bore, how exciting can it be?

Vickie Guerrero and Kelly Kelly promo

Teddy Bear says that Ziggler will defend his title against Swags, A-Ry and Morrison at Night of Champions. Finally! I’m a fan of Dolph, but he’s had this belt without much competition for way too long. Vickie is upset about this turn of events, and lets Teddy know it. Kelly Kelly suggests that if Vickie were more like her maybe she’d get her way. Ah, so you’re saying it’s all an act, Kelly?


David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Jerry Lawler and Sheamus

And McGuillicutty speaks! Lawler continues to insist that the former tag team champs have no personality. Otunga and McGuill do pretty much nothing to prove him wrong. Sheamus hits a couple of Braugh Kicks, then an Irish Cross for the pin on McGuill. Blah, blah, blah, whatever.

Meanwhile, backstage

Ric-Rod apparently thinks milk is an aphrodisiac? He might be trying to give Birdo a hint, but the champ just seems disgusted.


John Cena and Bret Hart vs. Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez

Surprise, surprise! Bret Hart doesn’t actually wrestle. Cena squashes Ric, while Birdo does everything he can to stay out of the ring. John finishes Ric-Rod off with the AA and tags Hart in for a sharpshooter. This was almost entirely pointless.

Kelly Kelly vs. Vickie Guererro

Another pretense of a match to build up the Swagger-Ziggler feud. A ringside argument breaks out into a fight and Vickie is distracted enough for Kelly Kelly to easily roll her up for the win. One last win before Beth takes that belt from her, I hope.


Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

I’m really not a fan of this brand integration thing, but Orton and Rhodes are two people I wouldn’t mind seeing on Raw every week. Cody’s very deliberate way of speaking is captivating and amusing at the same time. And Randy Orton is just a sadistic son-of-a-bitch.

Mark Henry is at ringside for most of this match to distract Randy with his impending doom. It’s enough to allow Rhodes to get in a hit with his face mask and finish Orton off with the Cross Rhodes.

CM Punk and Triple H promo

OK, this thing started off with the same old complaints from Punk and the same old deflections from Mr. H’s, but boy did it take off at the end.

Punk claims that H’s and Vince both believe that smaller guys have no place in the ring and that, as a result, Punk has been held back. Hunter disagrees, referencing the likes of Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and Rey Mysterio. Point H’s.

H’s tells Punk to stop worrying about his opinion and focus on what the fans think about him. Punk asks if Trips is even listening to the fans, who immediately begin a chant for Punk. Point Punk.

Trips says Punk will know he’s made it big when Seven Eleven is begging him to be on slushie cups and not the other way around. Punk asks where his ice cream bars are, in that case. Point Punk.

Mr. H’s points out all the opportunities Punk has accumulated over the years that he claims he has been overlooked: titles, main events, MITB briefcases. Perhaps it’s his own fault he’s not over? Point H’s.

Triple H advises Punk to be more like John Cena. Uh, no thank you. Point Punk.

H’s says that no matter how Punk tries to spin their match to be about business, it’s all personal now. QUITE FRANKLY, Trips is just a man. A man who will kick some skinny skinny fat ass on Sunday. Punk counters that his quest for the holy grail will not end until he sees H’s gone.

Then, shit gets real, guys. “This isn’t CM Punk talking to Triple H, this is Phil Brooks talking to Paul Levesque,” and cue the mic cut off. H’s offers his own, but that also goes out with just one utterance of “Paul”. A third mic is found, but Punk uses that to bash H’s head in.

Superlatives

Who got got?

Triple H, who not only loses the points battle, but also gets a nice bump on his forehead from that mic. I think it was a little real, guys.

Most predictable moment

The loss suffered by David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty. Why are these two still employed at this point? To put Jerry Lawler over?

Most awkward moment

Kelly Kelly has a difficult time remembering all of three lines and stares over Vickie’s shoulder during their backstage promo, most likely at cue cards.

Raw Recap: 9/5/11

We've got quite the surprise for you fellow WWE RAW fans and sushi lovers. Moose and Goose actually attended RAW live in Columbus, Ohio. John Triton does it for the fans. I do it for the paycheck.

Not only were we there in the flesh but we were contracted by WWE to perform the very important task of seat filling. Look for an article on The Art of the Seat Fill in the future.

Since we were in attendance, we got to see three Superstars! matches beforehand. So I'm going to recap those, as well...

Jokes! I will not be recapping any matches that happened between jobber to the jobber to the stars and Bryan Danielson.


CM Punk intro

The show opens up with my boy CM Skunk. For some reason, he is still going on about Mr. Irrelevant, Kevin Nash. After calling Nash out, he continues to berate him. I did not know this but "Super Shredder" was referencing Kevin Nash's acting debut as none other than Super Shredder in TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze.

The same old story continues as Mr. H's strolls down to the ring. I think I'm the only person who is sick of HHH, as my booing was vastly outmatched by cheers from Little Jimmies around the arena. This time though he gives us a little spoiler nugget. Apparently. he came into some security footage from the Staples Center. Kevin Nash was spotted going into Mr. H's office at the same time Nash received the infamous text. If you're following along: it was Nash, in Mr. H's office, with HHH's cell phone!

Eventually tempers flare and, in the aftermath, Kevin Nash is fired by HHH. At least we can only hope. He's later spotted getting into a limo with Johnny boy, Mr. Laurinaitis.


Air Boom (I can't believe this is a thing) vs. Jinder Mahal & The Great Khali

Again, much to my surprise, I am literally the only person in the arena booing Air Boom. Usually I boo them in the comfort of my living room. If I can't be more vocal than the Little Jimmies on TV, I use the remote to turn down the volume. But even I wasn't delusional enough to think that Jinder Mahal was actually going to win a match, let alone against Air Boom. Some high flying moves were performed, Little Jimmies cheered and all was right in the world.


Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres

Kelly Kelly was the guest announcer for the Diva's #1 Contender Match. I had a Kelly Kelly sign, which you can see below:

At the show, they announced this match would be was a No. 1 Contenders match against Eve but they never announced who her opponent would be. So, I immediately penciled in 30 points for my fantasy stud Beth Phoenix. In the end, Eve Torres continues to be irrelevant and loses this match in a matter of seconds.


CM Skunk vs. R-Truth with The Miz at ringside

This match was interesting because of the Miz factor. With him watching from the outside of the ring, Truth actually had a chance to win this match. Truth dominates throughout the beginning, but eventually Punk overcomes. Miz can be seen making hilarious faces throughout.

At the conclusion, Mr. H's comes out and tells Punk his match against Punk will be a no DQ match. A cheap trick to hide the fact that Mr. H's is rustier than your bike from kindergarten. Punk realizes that HHH has yet to kill anyone in over a decade of sledge hammering, so he accepts after adding his own stipulation: if Trips loses, he must resign as COO. Sorry, Ramsey! This stipulation just cost you major points.


David Otunga & Michael McGillicuddy vs. Jerry Lawler & Zack Ryder

Wow, that was a mouthful. Before the match starts, they show a highlight reel of Zack Ryder's best YouTube clips. As a Zack Ryder mark, I was very entertained. I held up my other sign proudly throughout the entire clip. Maybe I'll be sign of the week?!? 

Anyway, if you can't spot squash matches coming a mile away like me, this is one. I mean, if you look in the dictionary next to squash there is probably a picture of a squash. But there should be a picture of this match, instead. After a few tags, Ryder wins in convincing fashion with the Rough Ryder. I'm sure there will be much hoopla about this on his next Z: True Long Island Story.


Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater

Pete & Pete jobs to Randy Orton.


John Cena + Morrison + Sheamus + A-Ry vs. Wade Barett + Christian + Swagger + Ziggler

I'm getting bored of typing, so this last match recap will be randomly thrown together. Kind of like the match itself. Heyyyy ohhhh! It's a four vs. four tag team elimination match. I'm licking my chops at the mounds of points my all-heel fantasy team is going to rack up. That is, until Swagger poaches all of the elimination points. He's the Lendale White to my Chris Johnson. Swagger takes out both A-Ry and Morrison. There are multiple stories being told in this match. Swagger and Ziggler are squabbling with each other. My boy Christian is counted out after running away from Sheamus. John Cena takes on Ziggler and Swagger all by himself. Just another day in the WWE.


After Raw goes off the air

Ha, you forgot that we were at the show didn't you!? Ricardo Rodriguez get's AA'd and put to sleep by Cena and Punk. They then go outside the ring and sign autographs for the rich people who have front row seats. Punk ends up flirting with some hot blonde chick for like three minutes as she gets photographs, autographs, and a choreographed dance number. That last one was a lie. I watch on from the cheap seats (seats were actually really good) in envy. I want to go down there and get Punk to sign my shirt but my wife Moose attended No Fun University and says I'm not allowed down there. I think she just wanted to leave so she could buy her $40 worth of Cena gear.

Fantasy Update: Brands!? We don’t need no stinking brands!

At the beginning of Raw this past Monday, Mr. H’s announced that the brand split will be over indefinitely. MADNESS! This changes everything I thought I knew about the world. Black is white! Up is down! Dogs and cats living together! MASS HYSTERIA! How will I live in a world where I have to see John Cena “wrestle” twice a week?

Props:

1) Randy Orton: Taking advantage of the opportunity to wrestle on both shows this week, RKO beat Dolph Ziggler and Christian on his way to a cool 79 points for the week. The only downside is that the World’s Strongest Man beat the crap out of him after the Christian match. If I were Orton, I would make sure to wear some thick shin pads because Mark Henry is hungry for pizza the belt.

2) Sin Cara: With victories over Jack “Gosh, Vickie Guerrero sure is pretty” Swagger and Daniel “Image not provided” Bryan, Sin Cara is behind only Orton and Cena in points for the week. Most surprising of all is the apparent heel turn at the end of the Bryan match. He’s primed to be the greatest mute heel since Helen Keller.

Slops:

1) The WWE for burying our favorite mid-carders: R-Truth, John Morrison, Cody Rhodes and The Miz had a pretty light presence on both shows. Apparently the brand merge means more John Cena thinking he’s funny (at the 4:10 mark) and extended trailers for Triple H’s new movie. No one cares about your new movie, H’s! Now, if the movie were about buddy cops taking down a government conspiracy starring The Miz and R-Truth titled “Dis-Miz-al of Truth”, then I’d be interested.

2) Our so-called smack talk board: Only three people from the league have even commented so far. Here are the “highlights”.

Best Uso brothers joke (Mapes): What did the one Uso say to the other Uso?
I’ve never heard of U-so leave me alone.

Best rebuttal (Moose): Your current point accumulation is a clear indication of how credible your assessments of worth are.

Best Cena related burn (The Miche): John Cena sucks for all time.

Standings




Check out our league's smack talk here.

What They Were Really Thinking: 8/29/11



Ziggler: "Dude, I just wanted a hug!"

The WWE has added a feature on their website that recaps people's reactions and tweets during the live episode of RAW the night before.  Upon seeing this new feature, I can guess exactly what the staffers at Raw Is Real were thinking:

"Really, WWE? Really? Really? REALLY?! Don't try to be us. We are the most must-see online source of day-after coverage OF ALL TIME!" - The Miche

"Don't tell me that you can't see me posting a similar feature on our blog every week!" - Moose

"Oh, now I'll be tweeting some serious pipe bombs every Monday.  Feature THAT!" - Goose

"It's OUR destino to be the only online source for 'reaction' material." - Mapes

"Do I get fantasy points if a member of my team appears HERE?  I could use some help." - John Triton

"WOO! A new WWE feature to compete with our already superior content.  WOO!" - Bralt

"Our idea is still the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be." -- The Breaults (Sarah)

Our collective thought?  "This validates that we are indeed destined to be creative writers for the WWE. If you're not down with that, we have two words for you... 'SAUCE IT'!"

Raw Recap: 8/29/11

It's tough to pull away from "The Bachelor Pad", but we are watching Raw live tonight, no DVR. I do it all for my fans.


Opening promo:

Mr. H's starts off tonight to announce tonight's Super Raw (Yay! SmackDown stars! I hope Jinder Mahal is here!) and address Kevin Nash's fake car accident last week. He is quickly joined by CM Punk, wearing Jeff Hardy's boots, and Nash. It got started a little slow with Nash and Mr. H's working out their problems. Thankfully, we've got CM Punk in the ring, who pretty much said my thoughts exactly when he called Nash gimpy and boring. If it was me, I would have said something along the lines of him looking like he's trying out for a "Just for Men" commercial. Punk then sets his sights on Mr. H's, who he berates until he gives us a Nash vs. CM Punk match for NOC.

I can't see Nash being able to wrestle a match up to the standards CM Punk has set for his matches, so I think something will be up with that match. My guess is that is where Mr. H's finally gives us the heel turn. He is really starting to look like a bitch lately next to Punk, so it's about time he gets one over on him.


Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton

Ziggler gets off to a hot start, likely due to the Cougar necklace that his manager is wearing. Orton turns it around and actually lands a Superplex(!) on Dolph. We go back and forth a little more, until Dolph gives Randy a little Sweet Chin Music.

The match finally ends with Randy reversing a sleeper hold into a modified powerbomb followed by a RKO. That was actually a really good match. It's good to see that the stink of SmackDown hasn't affected Randy yet. Props to Dolph too. I'm actually intrigued by this Vickie Guerrero/Swagger/Ziggler storyline right now.


John Cena promo:

It's been about 40 minutes and they haven't even mentioned Cena. Thankfully, he's out next. John tells us that we should be here right now. Luckily, he's coming to Columbus next week! Has anybody ever listened to the words of Cena's entrance? Tonight's introduction ends with my favorite line of the song: "I'll brush your mouth like Colgate." That's why I love Cena. He can talk smack using personal hygiene.

Wow, Cena gets beeped and says anus in the span of two sentences. A couple of second grade teachers are going to have a rough day tomorrow. Unfortunately, Mark Henry comes out and talks about some SmackDown stuff. The fans make it even worse with the stupid "WHAT?" chant. Not sure if I am the only one on the RiR staff who feels this way, but I hate that bit. A lot of great heel promos get ruined with that stuff. Anyway, other people come out and it looks like we will get Cena and Sheamus vs. Christian and Mark Henry.

Meanwhile, backstage

We cut to John Laurinaitis who ends up getting confronted by Mr. H's. The real wild card in this whole storyline is this what Lauranitis has to do with all of this. He's mostly been in the background, but they've been mentioning him a lot more on this episode. Feels like he going to play a prominent role before it's all said and done.


The Miz vs. CM Punk

Punk's boots look a lot better with his trunks then his t-shirt, by the way. The early highlight is when Lawler tells a geography joke. Miz is mostly controlling the match until Punk gets a few moves in. To be honest, the announcers have kind of ruined this match for us, as King and Cole won't shut up. Guys, we are over you. Luckily, action picks up as R-Truth interferes and gets Miz DQ'd. Punk fends them off until Nash comes out to distract him and the beat down starts. My beef with this is why would Miz and Truth, who are complaining about conspiracies, let Nash take all the spotlight? If I were them, I'd kick Nash's ass. That will get you some attention.


Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger

Sin Cara wins with a lionsault when Dolph distracts Swagger because he is jealous of the whole Guerrero/Swagger thing going on. I have a little less faith in this whole angle now that someone in it lost to Sin Cara. Forget what I said earlier.


Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty

It's a rematch for the Tag Titles, probably because David Otunga used that rematch clause that his agent was so savvy to include. We learn that the new Bourne/Kingston tag team will be called Air Boom, as suggested by a WWE fan. Darn it, I really thought they might like my submission of Air Bore, amirite?. Anyway, unsurprisingly Bourne and Kofi take it.


Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella

The Bella twins pull the old switcharoo once again for the victory. I will be curious to see how they score that match. Brie was the legal winner, but Nikki won the match. The life of a WWE statistician is one I do not envy.


Commercial Break

As a big fan of WWE films (I went to the theatre all four days that "12 Rounds" was out), I was excited to see the trailer for their new movie "Laundromat Knights". It surprises me that they are going to try a romantic comedy with all the success they have had in action films, but this one looks like a winner. For those who didn't see the trailer, it stars Evan Bourne as a successful investment banker who falls for the local, lowly laundromat girl played by Mandy Moore. It also stars Jason Biggs as Evan's down-to-earth friend and Vladimir Koslov as the evil laundromat owner. Looking forward to that one!


John Cena and Sheamus vs. Mark Henry and Christian

The subplot of this match is that Henry gets the winner tomorrow between Orton and Christian at NOC, so maybe a double-cross is in the books. Heels get the early advantage, until Sheamus gets the hot tag to Cena who cleans house. Faces end up winning the match with the combination of a Brogue Kick and FU on Christian. Wouldn't hold my breath tomorrow for a win if I was Christian fan after that.

Ending promo:

We think that Raw ends, but they cut back to Mr. H's in the dressing room who is approached by Punk. Mr. H's lets Punk know that his match with Nash has been canceled. After Punk berates him a little more, Mr. H's informs him that he still will have a match at NOC, only against Mr. H's himself.

This confirms my earlier premonition, as there was no way Nash could wrestle a whole match. They did a good job of bypassing the Nash match without making him look weak. Overall, the set up has been pretty intriguing so far. A Punk vs. Mr. H's match has been teased recently with Punk calling him a doofus during his now famous rant, and showing up a comic-com. I think the WWE has done a great job of taking the story to its likely ending point while keeping a couple of wild cards. It will be interesting to see what Nash has to say about this next week, as well as what role, if any, he plays in their match.


Superlatives

Who got got?

John Laurinaitis gets told what's what by Trips.

Most predictable moment

A tie between The Miz and Dolph Ziggler losing. You had to know who would win as soon as those matches were announced, right?

Most awkward moment

Natalya and Beth Phoenix rant backstage about how they're not jealous of Kelly Kelly. But they're totally jealous of Kelly Kelly.

Fantasy Update: The Bourne Supremacy

It's been a big week in fantasy land: Alberto Del Rio is wrestling everyone, Mark Henry scored more than sixty points in a non-title match and Evan Bourne is shockingly relevant. Let's jump right in with the Slops and Props.

Props:

1) Evan Bourne: Really? Really?? REALLY!? The little engine that could is a part of the new tag team duo that I have dubbed Trix. (Silly smarks, Trix are for kids!) Trix's recent ascension to the Tag Team Championship has lead to serious points for Bourne, who not only scored 30 points for winning the belt, but also nabbed a cool 40 for getting the pin in both of their matches. He's outscored everyone but Del Rio and Henry and is the sole reason that Moose's team is in second place.

2) Alberto Del Rio: He's the WWE Champion, he's got 10,000 automobiles and he goes on SmackDown so the other MITB winner can job for him. Hell, his personal ring announcer has scored more points than Randy Orton. ADR es en fuego.

3) John Triton drops Zack Ryder for Ricardo Rodriguez: John Triton knows a good thing when he sees it and he knows that Ric-Rod is going to be racking up the mic points. He also knows that WWE Superstar and walking AXE body spray advertisement Zack Ryder isn't going over anytime soon. At least Ryder can rest easy knowing he has the highest ratio of crowd signs to matches won in the WWE Universe.

Slops:

1) Mark Henry: I know he scored a bunch of points during the Battle Royal, but he spent half the match outside the ring. I could make some terribly crude remarks about having to sit out half the match because he's so fat. I could say that "Weird Al" Yankovic wrote the song "Fat" about him, or that when he sits around the house he indeed sits around the outside of his house. But the fine readers of RiR are too classy for that brand of humor, so we'll just leave that stone unturned.

2) Rey Mysterio: In case you were unaware, Mr. 619 is going to be out for a few months after having surgery on his knee. This news comes as a serious blow to fantasy owners and nine-year-old kids everywhere. As an Alberto Del Rio owner, I'm saddened that he will not be jobbing for the champ anytime soon.

3) John Cena, Randy Orton, CM Punk, Christian: These fellas might not be aware, but combined they've been outscored by Evan Bourne. REALLY!?!?

Standings




Check out our league's smack talk here.

SummerSlam Synopsis

Unless you were hiding under Mark Henry the past few days, you probably know what happened at SummerSlam by now. Nevertheless, it is our duty here at Raw is Real to give you color commentary that you can't find anywhere else.


Raw Heels vs. Raw Faces:

Miz comes out wearing his duster. Vintage Miz! Can anyone pull off the duster better than him? I don't think so. Miz comes out to thank us for our insistence that he compete at SummerSlam. I think his biggest proponent at this point is probably George Lopez. If you didn't know, his show was canceled. What?!? Yeah, he had a show and Miz was a frequent guest. I think Lopez is hoping to either become Miz's manager or secure a spot at the coveted Spanish announcers' table.

Anyways, there is a match and the faces win. Mysterio, Morrison and Kingston beat Miz, Del Rio and Truth.


CM Punk Promo:

OMG! Stephanie McMahon makes an appearance. CM Punk makes some hilarious jokes and goes on to refuse a handshake from her, because "he knows where that hand has been." THE FIX IS IN!


Mark Henry vs. Sheamus

If you weren't aware, Mark Henry has been making heads roll on SmackDown. It's OK if you didn't know, because Mark Henry is on.... SmackDown. (Which sucks, if you hadn't heard.) Sheamus has decided to stand up to him. Some people don't like big man matches. I am one of those people, but I thought this was a great match. Mark Henry looks brutal throughout the match, and ends up winning by count out after he plows Sheamus through a wall. It was pretty nuts. If you don't believe me, just ask this guy:

Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

OMG so hot!

My girl Kelly Kelly wins after she counters the Glam Slam into a quick roll up. ONE TWO THREE!


Wade Barrett vs. Daniel Bryan

Daniel Bryan is about as over as CM Punk's blood alcohol level. He comes out to crickets, who immediately realize it's Daniel Bryan and stop chirping. Did you know he has like 300 submission moves? Oh, you didn't? I don't blame you, because he's on... SmackDown. Anyway, the match itself is pretty even. It was a well-wrestled match, but in the end Wade Barret wins with WASTELAND!


Christian vs. Randy Orton

Hit the switch! It's Christian! No wait, please keep watching. I was just kidding, don't hit the switch. Anyways, he's on my fantasy team so I have to like him. Don't make fun of me. I COULD NOT PASS UP ON THE VALUE. He has a huge announcement, btw. Since anything goes, he is going to have his best friend come out and be in his corner. Could it really be Edge, the rated R superstar?! OMG, IT IS EDGE! He dances around for a bit then just lays into Christian for being such a crybaby. (Christian should revoke Edge's BFF necklace.) Any publicity is good publicity, I say. I also say that because Christian is on my fantasy team.

Orton comes out doused in what appears to be three bottles of baby oil, then the match starts. This was a very good match. I'd say it was possibly the best of the show. Christian gets RKO'd through the Spanish announcers' table and George Lopez is mad that he wasn't there. There are kendo sticks left and right. Orton is bleeding all over the place. Christian gets thrown through not one, but two tables. Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

If you're counting, this match probably accounted for 77 fantasy points. There are steel steps in the ring. And garbage cans! Just look at this. It's a f***ing jungle gym!

Orton eventually wins by RKO'ing Christian on top of those steel steps. We've seen this ending before, but that doesn't stop it from being awesome. Orton has to have one of the best finishers in the WWE today.


CM Punk vs. John Cena

Here it is. The reason you bought SummerSlam. (We know you're all good WWE fans and watched this legally.) Who is going to be the "undisputed" champion? Without doubt, the match was great, but it wasn't MITB quality. The crowd in Chicago really made that match something special.

I found myself waiting the whole time for Triple H to screw someone over. He eventually did by "accident" but it wasn't the screwjob that I was expecting. The match was slow and methodical. Fellow blogger and Cena mark John Triton was extremely worried that Punk would win after he countered several of Cena's signature moves. Punk fought out of the STF and countered the Attitude Adjustment a number of times.

Punk eventually hits a second Go To Sleep and gets the ONE TWO THREE. BUT CENA'S FOOT WAS ON THE ROPE. Mr. H's misses a vital call, and gives the match to Punk. Since Cena has a ton of respect - but not much hustle - he leaves the ring without too much of a fuss.

BUT WHAT THE F. Big Sexy Kevin Nash comes out of nowhere and Power Bombs my boy. OK, Prick. Ruin the celebration. Whatever, he's still the unanimous WWE Champ.

BUT WHAT THE F AGAIN! Alberto Del Rio runs down into the ring and cashes in his briefcase. No way he can win, right!? He kicks Punk in the head and gets the win faster than it takes JR to tap out of Swagger's ankle lock. Del Rio is the new undisputed champion. If there was a best Heel heel award, this would be it:

Overall, this was a very entertaining PPV. Definitely second best of the year behind MITB.

Reason #98 Why Nobody Watches SmackDown: Promos

There are two things that make wrestling awesome: wrestling and promos. Let's see how SmackDown does on promos by taking a look at Christian's "big" announcement this week:

"I'm gonna sue the WWE."

WHAT?!? WHY?!?

"Because, you see, I have medical documents stating that Randy Orton is mentally unstable, that he has serious anger management issues. Quite simply, that means that if you force me to compete at SummerSlam in a no holds barred match, you're putting your World Heavyweight Champion in an unsafe work environment."

You make a valid point. So what're you gonna do about it?

"If you don't pull the stipulation I'm gonna file a multi-million dollar lawsuit against this company. That means I'm gonna sue you. That means I'm gonna sue your children. That means I'm gonna sue every miserable piece of crap that earns a paycheck for this company, including that idiot from talent relations, John Laurinaitis (...) In fact, I'll go one better than that. I'll sue every single fan who buys a ticket to SummerSlam. And I'll sue every single fan who watches SummerSlam live on pay-per-view. I'LL SUE EVERYBODY. I DON'T CARE."

But... but... I'm a fan that was gonna watch SummerSlam live on pay-per-view...AND I DON'T HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

HHH: "Geez I guess I have no choice but to announce that the match at SummerSlam is... on." Blah blah blah, breach of contract, blah blah blah, "I'll fire you."

OH SHIT! Good save, Mr H's. I really thought we were f*cked there for a minute. WHAT NOW BITCH?

: (

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME (...) WHY, WHY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?"

You gots to earn some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. That's why. H's out.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT. CUT THE MUSIC, I GET THE LAST WORD... Fine forget the lawsuit, I'm gonna beat Randy Orton this Sunday at SummerSlam."

Bitch, it was forgotten before you even said it. And that's why nobody watches SmackDown.

SummerSlam Preview: SmackDown

We're less than a week from SummerSlam! To get us all in the PPV spirit, we're previewing the coming matches and recapping the story lines leading up to the big event.

SmackDown sucks. Christian will probably, actually die at the hands of Randy Orton.

The end.