Not only were we there in the flesh but we were contracted by WWE to perform the very important task of seat filling. Look for an article on The Art of the Seat Fill in the future.
Since we were in attendance, we got to see three Superstars! matches beforehand. So I'm going to recap those, as well...
Jokes! I will not be recapping any matches that happened between jobber to the jobber to the stars and Bryan Danielson.
CM Punk intro
The show opens up with my boy CM Skunk. For some reason, he is still going on about Mr. Irrelevant, Kevin Nash. After calling Nash out, he continues to berate him. I did not know this but "Super Shredder" was referencing Kevin Nash's acting debut as none other than Super Shredder in TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze.
The same old story continues as Mr. H's strolls down to the ring. I think I'm the only person who is sick of HHH, as my booing was vastly outmatched by cheers from Little Jimmies around the arena. This time though he gives us a little spoiler nugget. Apparently. he came into some security footage from the Staples Center. Kevin Nash was spotted going into Mr. H's office at the same time Nash received the infamous text. If you're following along: it was Nash, in Mr. H's office, with HHH's cell phone!Eventually tempers flare and, in the aftermath, Kevin Nash is fired by HHH. At least we can only hope. He's later spotted getting into a limo with Johnny boy, Mr. Laurinaitis.
Air Boom (I can't believe this is a thing) vs. Jinder Mahal & The Great Khali
Again, much to my surprise, I am literally the only person in the arena booing Air Boom. Usually I boo them in the comfort of my living room. If I can't be more vocal than the Little Jimmies on TV, I use the remote to turn down the volume. But even I wasn't delusional enough to think that Jinder Mahal was actually going to win a match, let alone against Air Boom. Some high flying moves were performed, Little Jimmies cheered and all was right in the world.
Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres
Kelly Kelly was the guest announcer for the Diva's #1 Contender Match. I had a Kelly Kelly sign, which you can see below:
At the show, they announced this match would be was a No. 1 Contenders match against Eve but they never announced who her opponent would be. So, I immediately penciled in 30 points for my fantasy stud Beth Phoenix. In the end, Eve Torres continues to be irrelevant and loses this match in a matter of seconds.
CM Skunk vs. R-Truth with The Miz at ringside
This match was interesting because of the Miz factor. With him watching from the outside of the ring, Truth actually had a chance to win this match. Truth dominates throughout the beginning, but eventually Punk overcomes. Miz can be seen making hilarious faces throughout.
At the conclusion, Mr. H's comes out and tells Punk his match against Punk will be a no DQ match. A cheap trick to hide the fact that Mr. H's is rustier than your bike from kindergarten. Punk realizes that HHH has yet to kill anyone in over a decade of sledge hammering, so he accepts after adding his own stipulation: if Trips loses, he must resign as COO. Sorry, Ramsey! This stipulation just cost you major points.
David Otunga & Michael McGillicuddy vs. Jerry Lawler & Zack Ryder
Wow, that was a mouthful. Before the match starts, they show a highlight reel of Zack Ryder's best YouTube clips. As a Zack Ryder mark, I was very entertained. I held up my other sign proudly throughout the entire clip. Maybe I'll be sign of the week?!?
Anyway, if you can't spot squash matches coming a mile away like me, this is one. I mean, if you look in the dictionary next to squash there is probably a picture of a squash. But there should be a picture of this match, instead. After a few tags, Ryder wins in convincing fashion with the Rough Ryder. I'm sure there will be much hoopla about this on his next Z: True Long Island Story.
Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater
Pete & Pete jobs to Randy Orton.
John Cena + Morrison + Sheamus + A-Ry vs. Wade Barett + Christian + Swagger + Ziggler
I'm getting bored of typing, so this last match recap will be randomly thrown together. Kind of like the match itself. Heyyyy ohhhh! It's a four vs. four tag team elimination match. I'm licking my chops at the mounds of points my all-heel fantasy team is going to rack up. That is, until Swagger poaches all of the elimination points. He's the Lendale White to my Chris Johnson. Swagger takes out both A-Ry and Morrison. There are multiple stories being told in this match. Swagger and Ziggler are squabbling with each other. My boy Christian is counted out after running away from Sheamus. John Cena takes on Ziggler and Swagger all by himself. Just another day in the WWE.
After Raw goes off the air
Ha, you forgot that we were at the show didn't you!? Ricardo Rodriguez get's AA'd and put to sleep by Cena and Punk. They then go outside the ring and sign autographs for the rich people who have front row seats. Punk ends up flirting with some hot blonde chick for like three minutes as she gets photographs, autographs, and a choreographed dance number. That last one was a lie. I watch on from the cheap seats (seats were actually really good) in envy. I want to go down there and get Punk to sign my shirt but my wife Moose attended No Fun University and says I'm not allowed down there. I think she just wanted to leave so she could buy her $40 worth of Cena gear.
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