Raw Recap: 9/12/11

Opening promo

Birdo has decided to call himself the greatest of the great, which seems like a bad move when you’re in Canada. Oh, there it is. Bret Hart is in the building. The Hitman might be the best there ever will be, but his persistence in sticking to this hairstyle despite the effects of aging is basically the definition of the worst. ADR says Bret’s appearance reminds him of the Canadians he hires to clean his house. I was not aware there was a big rivalry between Mexico and Canada, but I like it!

Cena, of course, hates anything that I like so he powers up. He accuses Del Rio of running away like a little bitch. The champ disputes this, but then promptly hides behind the skirts of Ricardo Rodriguez. Cena, who thinks he books Raw now, suggests a Hart vs. Del Rio match. Why not all four, asks Johnny Ace?

John Morrison and Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger

Are you kidding me? We missed Morrison’s intro during the commercial? I love watching that dude’s hair in slow motion. The whole match is just a pretense for more feuding between Jack and Dolph over the heart of Vickie Guerrero. The two argue and refuse to tag the other, resulting in a loss.

R-Truth and The Miz promo

The ever-growing list of people in on the conspiracy against these two now includes BS Punk and possibly ninjas. Both believe that they should be the main event every night. Look, I have to agree. It doesn’t get better than this:




The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston

A clean win here for The Miz, despite Truth’s presence at ringside. I’d guess that will be part of the conspiracy when they lose at Night of Champions. I hope they build suspense with this rivalry and really make the fight over the tag team belt exciting. Though with a name like Air Bore, how exciting can it be?

Vickie Guerrero and Kelly Kelly promo

Teddy Bear says that Ziggler will defend his title against Swags, A-Ry and Morrison at Night of Champions. Finally! I’m a fan of Dolph, but he’s had this belt without much competition for way too long. Vickie is upset about this turn of events, and lets Teddy know it. Kelly Kelly suggests that if Vickie were more like her maybe she’d get her way. Ah, so you’re saying it’s all an act, Kelly?


David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Jerry Lawler and Sheamus

And McGuillicutty speaks! Lawler continues to insist that the former tag team champs have no personality. Otunga and McGuill do pretty much nothing to prove him wrong. Sheamus hits a couple of Braugh Kicks, then an Irish Cross for the pin on McGuill. Blah, blah, blah, whatever.

Meanwhile, backstage

Ric-Rod apparently thinks milk is an aphrodisiac? He might be trying to give Birdo a hint, but the champ just seems disgusted.


John Cena and Bret Hart vs. Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez

Surprise, surprise! Bret Hart doesn’t actually wrestle. Cena squashes Ric, while Birdo does everything he can to stay out of the ring. John finishes Ric-Rod off with the AA and tags Hart in for a sharpshooter. This was almost entirely pointless.

Kelly Kelly vs. Vickie Guererro

Another pretense of a match to build up the Swagger-Ziggler feud. A ringside argument breaks out into a fight and Vickie is distracted enough for Kelly Kelly to easily roll her up for the win. One last win before Beth takes that belt from her, I hope.


Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

I’m really not a fan of this brand integration thing, but Orton and Rhodes are two people I wouldn’t mind seeing on Raw every week. Cody’s very deliberate way of speaking is captivating and amusing at the same time. And Randy Orton is just a sadistic son-of-a-bitch.

Mark Henry is at ringside for most of this match to distract Randy with his impending doom. It’s enough to allow Rhodes to get in a hit with his face mask and finish Orton off with the Cross Rhodes.

CM Punk and Triple H promo

OK, this thing started off with the same old complaints from Punk and the same old deflections from Mr. H’s, but boy did it take off at the end.

Punk claims that H’s and Vince both believe that smaller guys have no place in the ring and that, as a result, Punk has been held back. Hunter disagrees, referencing the likes of Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and Rey Mysterio. Point H’s.

H’s tells Punk to stop worrying about his opinion and focus on what the fans think about him. Punk asks if Trips is even listening to the fans, who immediately begin a chant for Punk. Point Punk.

Trips says Punk will know he’s made it big when Seven Eleven is begging him to be on slushie cups and not the other way around. Punk asks where his ice cream bars are, in that case. Point Punk.

Mr. H’s points out all the opportunities Punk has accumulated over the years that he claims he has been overlooked: titles, main events, MITB briefcases. Perhaps it’s his own fault he’s not over? Point H’s.

Triple H advises Punk to be more like John Cena. Uh, no thank you. Point Punk.

H’s says that no matter how Punk tries to spin their match to be about business, it’s all personal now. QUITE FRANKLY, Trips is just a man. A man who will kick some skinny skinny fat ass on Sunday. Punk counters that his quest for the holy grail will not end until he sees H’s gone.

Then, shit gets real, guys. “This isn’t CM Punk talking to Triple H, this is Phil Brooks talking to Paul Levesque,” and cue the mic cut off. H’s offers his own, but that also goes out with just one utterance of “Paul”. A third mic is found, but Punk uses that to bash H’s head in.

Superlatives

Who got got?

Triple H, who not only loses the points battle, but also gets a nice bump on his forehead from that mic. I think it was a little real, guys.

Most predictable moment

The loss suffered by David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty. Why are these two still employed at this point? To put Jerry Lawler over?

Most awkward moment

Kelly Kelly has a difficult time remembering all of three lines and stares over Vickie’s shoulder during their backstage promo, most likely at cue cards.

RAWards: 8/29/11

Best Heel Face Award

Runner-ups:

WINNER:

Best Face Heel Award

Most Bone-able Face Award

Some of you may have noticed (and been disgusted by) the fact that The Miz won this RAWard two weeks ago. Unfortunately while I, C.O.O. of RiR, was on vacation these past two weeks, the RAWard decision-making duties were passed down to the vastly inferior and mentally incompetent co-C.O.O., The Miche. Even though this extremely revolting and unforgivable decision is indeed partnership-ending-worthy, I've decided to be the better (wo)man and take the most just and righteous course of action in order to remedy this situation:

I hereby revoke The Miz's 8/15/11 RAWard and hand it over to the much more worthy (and truly most bone-able) Superstar: John Cena.

Twweets of the Week

Little Jimmy of the Week

Raw Recap: 8/8/11

Opening promo:

This was fairly boring. Trips sells the champion vs champion match for SummerSlam. I was too busy looking at the troll face sign behind him, so I totally missed him say he will be officiating the match. This adds an interesting element. I don't understand why he would officiate if he wasn't going to interfere in some way. It adds a bit of unpredictability to the match and I feel the WWE has done well in that respect.

 

Mr. H's says Punk and Cena will be having squash matches tonight. Cena will wrestle next.


John Cena vs. Jack Swagger

Cena comes out first and then they cut to commercial. By the time the commercial break ends, the poor fans in the arena have been listening to Cena's shitty intro music for about 10 minutes. Imagine running a mile with "ba na na naaaaah" on repeat. Are you imagining it? Heinous, right?

We still don't know who Cena's opponent is, but finally the All American American comes out. He doesn't do his push ups, so you know he's going to lose. He's flustered. He does do his airplane run around the ring, though. Swagger botches half a dozen moves before Cena wins with the Five Moves of Doom.

Alberto Del Rio promo:

He speaks some Spanish and calls Punk the voice of the Godless. Or gutless. I couldn't really tell. Either way gets his point across, I guess. He's going to be facing Punk later in the night. Is it Thanksgiving? Because there appear to be plentiful helpings of squash.


R-Truth promo:

Dude is crazy. Josh Josherston starts the interview by asking Truth why he would hurt his friend John Morrison (...four months after the fact). Truth proceeds to not answer the question, instead asking several of his own. It's established that there may or may not be 10 hot dogs per package. Josh doesn't say anything else. If you're counting fantasy points, that's five right there for a perfect promo!

Rey Mysterio gets his ass beat:

Mysterio comes out and only gets through half of his pyrotechnics before Miz enters and just brutally beats the shit out of him. Like, to the point where I thought it was a little real. Cole then goes to interview Miz and Miz cuts an intense promo. Well, it was intense until he mentioned the reason he should be noticed is because he is trending worldwide on twitter and he presented at the Teen Choice Awards. High accolades, Miz. After the dust clears, Mr. H's makes Miz face Kofi Kingston - to the excitement of nobody.

The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston:

This is a really good match. Kofi got to hit some high flying spots, while Miz was selling his frustration in the ring. In the end, Miz counters one of Kofi's moves, dazes him by throwing him onto the top rope, and hits a Skull Crushing Finale for the win. Despite the impressive victory, as of this moment Miz is still not on the SummerSlam card. (Del Rio, Ziggler, Truth, et al. are probably thinking he can join the club.)


CM Punk promo:

Calls out Trips for having a huge ego. Then says he's going to kick Alberto Del Rio's teeth down his throat. Short and succulent.


CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio:

Del Rio comes out in a 2010 Audi RA 430 HP worth $130,000. King then says the contract in Rio's MITB briefcase is worth a lot more. Um, probably not true. The match itself is pretty short. Del Rio works on Punk's arm for the better part of the match, but Punk eventually wins with the Go To Sleep. Punk sells the arm injury by brushing the ref aside as he tries to raise Punk's arm up.


Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres

Want another helping of squash? Your plate looks empty. (This portion comes with plenty of headband!) Beth wins in pretty convincing fashion with the Glam Slam. Beth is sick of the divas making a mockery of the division: "No more booty popping, no more splits, no more stink faces." King replies, "Takes out about 90 percent of the the fun of the divas division to me." Amen.

Kelly Kelly enters unnoticed and takes out Beth Phoenix from behind. What a buildup for SummerSlam!

Dolph Ziggler vs. Alex Riley

Vintage A-Ry promo. "Vickie, I don't want to say you have bad breath or anything, but it smells like death itself just took a dump in your mouth." So he doesn't want to say she has bad breath, but he does it anyway? What a douche.

Match ends up getting thrown out when Vickie interferes. Ziggler and Vickie get in a fight and then she walks off without him, screeching like a disgruntled weasel.

Twix: Twix it up with Twix!

Brought to you by Twix. Sometimes your day is just a Twixer-upper.... Twix it up with Twix!


R-Truth vs. John Morrison

Another pretty good match. JoMo hits his usual spots. Truth hits some vicious moves, as well. In the end, Truth wins with his finisher. I still don't know what it's called.


CM Punk and John Cena contract signing:

Just another epic promo from these two men. Mr. H's and John Laurinaitis are out here, too, but they really don't say much. And The Rock makes a surprise appearance! I don't want to sell this promo short so please watch it. It's well worth the time. It starts at the end of the first video.








Superlatives:

Who got got?
John Laurinaitis gets Mau Tai kicked in the head.

Most predictable moment:
All three squash matches involving Punk, Cena, and Beth Phoenix.

Most awkward moment:
Beth Phoenix was teasing a nip slip for the better part of her match.

Raw Recap: 8/1/11

It's the first Raw Rundown! Cue the classy piano music and slow motion recaps of MITB. Cut to Rey Mysterio jobbing the WWE Title to John Cena. The only way Rey could have lost that title faster was to get in a DeLorean, travel 88 mph and lose it to John Cena before he won it. Anyway, enter CM Punk with his new theme music and you have the intro to Raw. For the first time we have two "legitimate" WWE Champions. At least that's what Cole says. I'm pretty sure they had two people holding the same title before, but I digress. All I know is that the only way this can be resolved is to strip one of these men of their title. There is no possible way there will be a unification match at Summerslam.

Back to Punk. He is getting pretty big pops from the crowd. In his interview with Bill Simmons, Punk says he won't be typecast into a "face" or "heel" role. He will just be Punk. Well, Punk shoots a promo and says he's coming back to make this fun again. He laments that in his two-week absence, the WWE has already reverted to the 'status quo' with John Cena winning the WWE Title. For far too long, the WWE Universe has been fed scraps. Punk will be our savior. He calls out a little jimmy in the crowd and makes fun of his replica belt. Punk doesn't have a belt. He has a Championship Title. He actually calls it the most important title in the world. I don't know if that's true, but sure - I'll bite.

Triple H, hereafter called Mr. H's, blasts his music and makes his way to the ring. Punk is trying to talk over the music, which is humorous. He eventually gives up. "Apparently, it's time to play the game," he says. Punk later makes fun of Mr. H's entrance song by saying something to the effect of "I like Motorhead as much as the next guy, but...".

These two battle it out on the mic for a good 10 minutes. H's thinks Punk is overrated and has a big ego. Punk says they are alike in that respect. He goes on to flip Mr. H's tie in his face while saying "What? Are you gonna punch me? Or do you have to go ask your wife first?" Triple H is trying extremely hard to not crack up, but you can see a very distinct smile on his face. Stop breaking Kayfabe Hunter!

People think Mr. H's is great at cutting promos, but I think he's a bit rusty. He literally called Punk a "skinny, fat ass". Just last week he used the phrase "quite frankly" four times in the span of a two-minute promo. I apologize for the aside. Back to RAW!

My girl Kelly Kelly, Kay-Two, K-squared, is at ringside to watch the hotly anticipated Diva's Battle Royale. The winner will become the next #1 Contender. JR asks K2 who she has her eye on. K2 says she thinks it's Beth's time. God damn spoiler alert Kelly Kelly! Jesus Christ... Well, whatever. Nobody's listening so it probably won't be a big deal. Lawler chimes in to let us know he's got his eyes on Kelly Kelly. Yah, we know.

Divas are literally rolling out of the ring without any form of contact. Gail Kim will not job to the likes of Alicia Fox, so instead of participating she just rolls out of the ring unnoticed. Check her twitter for up-to-date drama. She's over 30, and with this stunt I wouldn't be surprised if she is wished well in her future endeavors.

I'm already in paragraph three for a divas match so I must be doing it wrong. It ends up being Beth Phoenix vs. the Bella Twins. She is a glamazon after all and, if you didn't know, that means a hot amazon or something. So she's strong. Strong enough to lift both Bella twins up on her shoulders and toss them out of the ring to become the new #1 Contender. My girl K2 is sooooo happy for her and goes to give her a hug. HEEL TURN ALERT. She throws K2 out of the ring then just tosses her into the barricade. What a bitch.

My boy Miz and R-Truth are in the back talking conspiracies. They are tag partners for tonight vs. Rey Mysterio and John Morrison. This is actually a really good match. A lot of kickouts, counters, and false finishes. It ends with Truth on the ropes from a Morrison kick to the head. Mysterio is about to go for the six-one-nine. BUT MIZ PULLS HIS LEGS FROM UNDER HIM AND THROWS HIM OUT OF THE RING. Guess it was a dropped call from the 619 area code. Morrison takes out Miz but Truth is still the legal man. Morrison turns around and Truth does his finisher, whatever it's called. ONE! TWO! THREE! Miz gives Morrison a Skull Crushing Finale for good measure, and Truth hits him upside the head with a water bottle. Good. F*** that guy.

Ziggler and Vickie come out to huge heat. Dolph lets us know he's more of a man than any of us. Considering the average WWE fan, that's probably true and I won't refute it. Alex Riley comes out and ruins the party. Cole puts it perfectly: "Go Away." Dolph says things like, "Who are you?" and "I don't even know who you are," like 20 times while A-Ry is ranting. A-Ry challenges Dolph to a fight, but Ziggler is above wrestling no-name talents and just exits the ring.

Commercial break, then enter Alberto Del Rio. He comes out in a classic Rolls Royce. I think we need a segment on the estimated value of his car. It could be a fun poll. Anyways, this one is worth over $100,000, making it one of the more expensive cars he's driven as of late. We are treated to his white waterfall pyro, of which I am a huge fan. For some Godforsaken reason he is wrestling Evan Bourne (who weighs less than I do, by the way). It's your standard squash match. Rio puts him in the arm bar and makes him tap. Then, he celebrates for a bit and puts him in another one for good measure. Kofi comes out to save the day, but nobody cares but Mickey Mouse aka Evan Bourne himself.

Some kind of poll was advertised where you go to vote for the true champ at WWE.com. Can you believe that 54 percent of the WWE Universe thinks Cena is the true champ? Are they f***ing delusional? Did they ask their parents' permission to use the computer first? In no logical world is John Cena the true champion, but I digress.

Just in case you didn't catch it, not a single face won a match. I haven't been watching Raw that long, but that seems pretty rare.

Final promo of the night is about to begin. Hampton from Tiny Toons enters. Oh, I mean John Cena. Hamming it up, as usual. He rolls up to shoot a three-pointer and references Larry Bird. Wow, way to go for cheap pops while you're in Indianapolis, dude! Eventually the big three are in the ring talking about what will happen with the WWE Title(s). I shit you not, but Mr. H's suggests A MATCH AT SUMMERSLAM TO UNIFY THE TITLES. TALK ABOUT A CURVE BALL! If you recall from my first paragraph, I could have sworn Mr. H's would have just stripped the title from one of them.

The show ends with Punk and Cena holding their respective titles up and having an awkward theme song battle. I hope the sound guys got paid extra for that crap.