This was fairly boring. Trips sells the champion vs champion match for SummerSlam. I was too busy looking at the troll face sign behind him, so I totally missed him say he will be officiating the match. This adds an interesting element. I don't understand why he would officiate if he wasn't going to interfere in some way. It adds a bit of unpredictability to the match and I feel the WWE has done well in that respect.
Mr. H's says Punk and Cena will be having squash matches tonight. Cena will wrestle next.
John Cena vs. Jack Swagger
Cena comes out first and then they cut to commercial. By the time the commercial break ends, the poor fans in the arena have been listening to Cena's shitty intro music for about 10 minutes. Imagine running a mile with "ba na na naaaaah" on repeat. Are you imagining it? Heinous, right?
We still don't know who Cena's opponent is, but finally the All American American comes out. He doesn't do his push ups, so you know he's going to lose. He's flustered. He does do his airplane run around the ring, though. Swagger botches half a dozen moves before Cena wins with the Five Moves of Doom.
Alberto Del Rio promo:
He speaks some Spanish and calls Punk the voice of the Godless. Or gutless. I couldn't really tell. Either way gets his point across, I guess. He's going to be facing Punk later in the night. Is it Thanksgiving? Because there appear to be plentiful helpings of squash.
R-Truth promo:
Dude is crazy. Josh Josherston starts the interview by asking Truth why he would hurt his friend John Morrison (...four months after the fact). Truth proceeds to not answer the question, instead asking several of his own. It's established that there may or may not be 10 hot dogs per package. Josh doesn't say anything else. If you're counting fantasy points, that's five right there for a perfect promo!
Rey Mysterio gets his ass beat:
Mysterio comes out and only gets through half of his pyrotechnics before Miz enters and just brutally beats the shit out of him. Like, to the point where I thought it was a little real. Cole then goes to interview Miz and Miz cuts an intense promo. Well, it was intense until he mentioned the reason he should be noticed is because he is trending worldwide on twitter and he presented at the Teen Choice Awards. High accolades, Miz. After the dust clears, Mr. H's makes Miz face Kofi Kingston - to the excitement of nobody.
The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston:
This is a really good match. Kofi got to hit some high flying spots, while Miz was selling his frustration in the ring. In the end, Miz counters one of Kofi's moves, dazes him by throwing him onto the top rope, and hits a Skull Crushing Finale for the win. Despite the impressive victory, as of this moment Miz is still not on the SummerSlam card. (Del Rio, Ziggler, Truth, et al. are probably thinking he can join the club.)
CM Punk promo:
Calls out Trips for having a huge ego. Then says he's going to kick Alberto Del Rio's teeth down his throat. Short and succulent.
CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio:
Del Rio comes out in a 2010 Audi RA 430 HP worth $130,000. King then says the contract in Rio's MITB briefcase is worth a lot more. Um, probably not true. The match itself is pretty short. Del Rio works on Punk's arm for the better part of the match, but Punk eventually wins with the Go To Sleep. Punk sells the arm injury by brushing the ref aside as he tries to raise Punk's arm up.
Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres
Want another helping of squash? Your plate looks empty. (This portion comes with plenty of headband!) Beth wins in pretty convincing fashion with the Glam Slam. Beth is sick of the divas making a mockery of the division: "No more booty popping, no more splits, no more stink faces." King replies, "Takes out about 90 percent of the the fun of the divas division to me." Amen.
Kelly Kelly enters unnoticed and takes out Beth Phoenix from behind. What a buildup for SummerSlam!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Alex Riley
Vintage A-Ry promo. "Vickie, I don't want to say you have bad breath or anything, but it smells like death itself just took a dump in your mouth." So he doesn't want to say she has bad breath, but he does it anyway? What a douche.
Match ends up getting thrown out when Vickie interferes. Ziggler and Vickie get in a fight and then she walks off without him, screeching like a disgruntled weasel.
Twix: Twix it up with Twix!
Brought to you by Twix. Sometimes your day is just a Twixer-upper.... Twix it up with Twix!
R-Truth vs. John Morrison
Another pretty good match. JoMo hits his usual spots. Truth hits some vicious moves, as well. In the end, Truth wins with his finisher. I still don't know what it's called.
CM Punk and John Cena contract signing:
Just another epic promo from these two men. Mr. H's and John Laurinaitis are out here, too, but they really don't say much. And The Rock makes a surprise appearance! I don't want to sell this promo short so please watch it. It's well worth the time. It starts at the end of the first video.
Superlatives:
Who got got?
John Laurinaitis gets Mau Tai kicked in the head.
Most predictable moment:
All three squash matches involving Punk, Cena, and Beth Phoenix.
Most awkward moment:
Beth Phoenix was teasing a nip slip for the better part of her match.
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