The Game apologizes for totally botching the shit out of that match he officiated at SummerSlam the night before. He cops to his mistake and declares his intention to look Cena in the eye and apologize. I assumed he meant to do this in the ring, but we see him enter Johnny’s room backstage later. I mean, seriously? We have to watch people sign contracts practically once a month, but Mr. H’s begging John Cena for forgiveness is too private for the rest of the WWE Universe?
Trips also claims that his bestest bestie for life Kevin Nash acted alone, much like Lee Harvey Oswald. To quote R-Truth, I think there’s a C-O-N-spiracy afoot. Stephanie McMahon sure is… around. What might that be about?
Alberto Del Rio promo:
ADR enters as the official undisputed WWE champion. The man is just glowing now that he has finally realized his destino. And he wants to be everything a true WWE champ should be. He will be in the lobby to sign autographs and take pictures with the kiddies, he says. He is generating some serious heat from all these Rey Mysterio disciples.
Albie knows he will face his first title defense later against Rey, and he is quite pleased about it. “Everytime I wake up in the morning, I ask myself: Alberto Del Rio, what do you feel like doing today? I feel like beating Rey Mysterio.” Don’t we all?
John Morrison vs. R-Truth:
Falls count anywhere in this match, which was apparently requested by JoMo. Michael Cole says he’s been waiting a long time to fight Truth. It has been a rather long week, I guess.
The match is action-packed from the beginning. Morrison is a fantastic seller. Half the time when he flops down onto the floor like a dead fish, I am really worrying about his position on my fantasy roster. JoMo wins by throwing himself into Truth on an announcer’s chair. The headrest looked pretty soft to me, but I guess this is devastating for Truth and Morrison covers easily.
The Miz promo:
My boy is out in the ring, looking dapper and selling some God damn Subway sandwiches. Jared “McLovin” Fogel pretends he is not a fan of the Awesome One, but I’m not fooled. The Miz sells the shit out of that sub, crushing it in his powerful fists. Millions of people probably had to pause their DVRs and run out to get some Subway because the cravings were so strong. I know I did.
Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres vs. The Bella Twins
Whatever. My eyes glazed over until my girl Beth and her platonic life partner Natalya arrived to sarcastically clap at Kelly Kelly.
Kevin Nash promo:
Nash implies – though never outright states – that he received a text from Trips asking him to stick the winner of the SummerSlam title match. Kevin’s loyalty is only surpassed by how gross his beard is, so he was happy to oblige. It’s just business, Nash says. So, loyalty to friends = business? OK, let’s just roll with it.
Punk interrupts with his incredulousness. Either Nash or Mr. H’s must be lying. I’m concerned about Punk’s cognitive abilities if he literally can’t think of a third scenario. He declines Nash’s offer to see the text on his phone and instead reads one from his sister: “OMG. Kevin Nash. WTF. Thought he was dead. LOL.” Oh, snap!
These two trade insults for some time, during which Punk shows off his superior mic abilities. Eventually, Punk tires of talking and attempts to settle things in the ring (for once) and suddenly there is security all up in this bitch. Punk runs away to find Mr. H’s and whine about how Kevin isn’t playing fair. Man, there is a lot of tension between these two all of a sudden!
Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger:
We return from commercial break to an invasion of Vickler at the announcers’ table. Dolph keeps making not-so-vague references to Vickie’s interference in his match against A-Ry last week. Lawler makes about five fat jokes about a woman who is not fat and is certainly in better shape than him. The WWE, ladies and gentlemen!
The annoying sniping from the announcers distracts from a boring and technically bad match, to be honest. Vickie ends up stealing JR’s hat and somehow distracts the official with it, scoring a win for Swags. Jack catches up with Vickie backstage to recommend she expand her client base. Really, Vickie? You can do better.
David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston:
I’m not going to lie to my possibly half a dozen faithful readers: I left the room to get a piece of cake during this match. It was leftover birthday cake and it was f***ing delicious. When I returned, Kofi and Evan had won and were gesturing to invisible belts as if issuing a challenge. It seems like a well-suited team to me and hopefully Kofi and Mickey Mouse will present a legit and interesting challenge to the tag team champs.
Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio:
This is as exciting a match as any that include Mysterio. That is to say, not very. Rey tries to pull a 619, but Alberto counters with his knees and rolls him up for a three count. Albie is so enthusiastic about his first title defense that he decides to beat up Mysterio after the bell.
John Cena, of course, is having none of it. He saves Lil’ Rey, then rants about Del Rio’s cowardice in cashing in his MITB on a destroyed Punk. Apparently, Cena has never heard of Money in the Bank before. Del Rio and Rodriguez mock him with what can only be described as “scaredy fingers” as they back out with the belt.
So, the foundations are in place for Cena and Del Rio to fued over the title (because John Cena couldn’t possibly be a part of a storyline that did not include the championship). Meanwhile, Punk will forget about his deep-seated hatred of everything Cena stands for and fued for a while with Kevin Nash over text messages like high school girls. Got this all tied up with a bow, don’t you Mr. H’s?
Superlatives:
Who got got?
Jared the Subway Guy, who was rendered speechless by the theft of his sandwich and This Miz's superior abilities as a spokesman.
Most predictable moment:
Rey Mysterio jobbing to Alberto Del Rio. All Mysterio does these days is touch foreheads with kids and job to the title.
Most awkward moment:
It takes a shameful three attempts for Jack Swagger to hit a gutwrench suplex on Alex Riley, as he hangs there like dead weight.
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