Raw Recap: 8/29/11

It's tough to pull away from "The Bachelor Pad", but we are watching Raw live tonight, no DVR. I do it all for my fans.


Opening promo:

Mr. H's starts off tonight to announce tonight's Super Raw (Yay! SmackDown stars! I hope Jinder Mahal is here!) and address Kevin Nash's fake car accident last week. He is quickly joined by CM Punk, wearing Jeff Hardy's boots, and Nash. It got started a little slow with Nash and Mr. H's working out their problems. Thankfully, we've got CM Punk in the ring, who pretty much said my thoughts exactly when he called Nash gimpy and boring. If it was me, I would have said something along the lines of him looking like he's trying out for a "Just for Men" commercial. Punk then sets his sights on Mr. H's, who he berates until he gives us a Nash vs. CM Punk match for NOC.

I can't see Nash being able to wrestle a match up to the standards CM Punk has set for his matches, so I think something will be up with that match. My guess is that is where Mr. H's finally gives us the heel turn. He is really starting to look like a bitch lately next to Punk, so it's about time he gets one over on him.


Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton

Ziggler gets off to a hot start, likely due to the Cougar necklace that his manager is wearing. Orton turns it around and actually lands a Superplex(!) on Dolph. We go back and forth a little more, until Dolph gives Randy a little Sweet Chin Music.

The match finally ends with Randy reversing a sleeper hold into a modified powerbomb followed by a RKO. That was actually a really good match. It's good to see that the stink of SmackDown hasn't affected Randy yet. Props to Dolph too. I'm actually intrigued by this Vickie Guerrero/Swagger/Ziggler storyline right now.


John Cena promo:

It's been about 40 minutes and they haven't even mentioned Cena. Thankfully, he's out next. John tells us that we should be here right now. Luckily, he's coming to Columbus next week! Has anybody ever listened to the words of Cena's entrance? Tonight's introduction ends with my favorite line of the song: "I'll brush your mouth like Colgate." That's why I love Cena. He can talk smack using personal hygiene.

Wow, Cena gets beeped and says anus in the span of two sentences. A couple of second grade teachers are going to have a rough day tomorrow. Unfortunately, Mark Henry comes out and talks about some SmackDown stuff. The fans make it even worse with the stupid "WHAT?" chant. Not sure if I am the only one on the RiR staff who feels this way, but I hate that bit. A lot of great heel promos get ruined with that stuff. Anyway, other people come out and it looks like we will get Cena and Sheamus vs. Christian and Mark Henry.

Meanwhile, backstage

We cut to John Laurinaitis who ends up getting confronted by Mr. H's. The real wild card in this whole storyline is this what Lauranitis has to do with all of this. He's mostly been in the background, but they've been mentioning him a lot more on this episode. Feels like he going to play a prominent role before it's all said and done.


The Miz vs. CM Punk

Punk's boots look a lot better with his trunks then his t-shirt, by the way. The early highlight is when Lawler tells a geography joke. Miz is mostly controlling the match until Punk gets a few moves in. To be honest, the announcers have kind of ruined this match for us, as King and Cole won't shut up. Guys, we are over you. Luckily, action picks up as R-Truth interferes and gets Miz DQ'd. Punk fends them off until Nash comes out to distract him and the beat down starts. My beef with this is why would Miz and Truth, who are complaining about conspiracies, let Nash take all the spotlight? If I were them, I'd kick Nash's ass. That will get you some attention.


Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger

Sin Cara wins with a lionsault when Dolph distracts Swagger because he is jealous of the whole Guerrero/Swagger thing going on. I have a little less faith in this whole angle now that someone in it lost to Sin Cara. Forget what I said earlier.


Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty

It's a rematch for the Tag Titles, probably because David Otunga used that rematch clause that his agent was so savvy to include. We learn that the new Bourne/Kingston tag team will be called Air Boom, as suggested by a WWE fan. Darn it, I really thought they might like my submission of Air Bore, amirite?. Anyway, unsurprisingly Bourne and Kofi take it.


Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella

The Bella twins pull the old switcharoo once again for the victory. I will be curious to see how they score that match. Brie was the legal winner, but Nikki won the match. The life of a WWE statistician is one I do not envy.


Commercial Break

As a big fan of WWE films (I went to the theatre all four days that "12 Rounds" was out), I was excited to see the trailer for their new movie "Laundromat Knights". It surprises me that they are going to try a romantic comedy with all the success they have had in action films, but this one looks like a winner. For those who didn't see the trailer, it stars Evan Bourne as a successful investment banker who falls for the local, lowly laundromat girl played by Mandy Moore. It also stars Jason Biggs as Evan's down-to-earth friend and Vladimir Koslov as the evil laundromat owner. Looking forward to that one!


John Cena and Sheamus vs. Mark Henry and Christian

The subplot of this match is that Henry gets the winner tomorrow between Orton and Christian at NOC, so maybe a double-cross is in the books. Heels get the early advantage, until Sheamus gets the hot tag to Cena who cleans house. Faces end up winning the match with the combination of a Brogue Kick and FU on Christian. Wouldn't hold my breath tomorrow for a win if I was Christian fan after that.

Ending promo:

We think that Raw ends, but they cut back to Mr. H's in the dressing room who is approached by Punk. Mr. H's lets Punk know that his match with Nash has been canceled. After Punk berates him a little more, Mr. H's informs him that he still will have a match at NOC, only against Mr. H's himself.

This confirms my earlier premonition, as there was no way Nash could wrestle a whole match. They did a good job of bypassing the Nash match without making him look weak. Overall, the set up has been pretty intriguing so far. A Punk vs. Mr. H's match has been teased recently with Punk calling him a doofus during his now famous rant, and showing up a comic-com. I think the WWE has done a great job of taking the story to its likely ending point while keeping a couple of wild cards. It will be interesting to see what Nash has to say about this next week, as well as what role, if any, he plays in their match.


Superlatives

Who got got?

John Laurinaitis gets told what's what by Trips.

Most predictable moment

A tie between The Miz and Dolph Ziggler losing. You had to know who would win as soon as those matches were announced, right?

Most awkward moment

Natalya and Beth Phoenix rant backstage about how they're not jealous of Kelly Kelly. But they're totally jealous of Kelly Kelly.

Fantasy Update: The Bourne Supremacy

It's been a big week in fantasy land: Alberto Del Rio is wrestling everyone, Mark Henry scored more than sixty points in a non-title match and Evan Bourne is shockingly relevant. Let's jump right in with the Slops and Props.

Props:

1) Evan Bourne: Really? Really?? REALLY!? The little engine that could is a part of the new tag team duo that I have dubbed Trix. (Silly smarks, Trix are for kids!) Trix's recent ascension to the Tag Team Championship has lead to serious points for Bourne, who not only scored 30 points for winning the belt, but also nabbed a cool 40 for getting the pin in both of their matches. He's outscored everyone but Del Rio and Henry and is the sole reason that Moose's team is in second place.

2) Alberto Del Rio: He's the WWE Champion, he's got 10,000 automobiles and he goes on SmackDown so the other MITB winner can job for him. Hell, his personal ring announcer has scored more points than Randy Orton. ADR es en fuego.

3) John Triton drops Zack Ryder for Ricardo Rodriguez: John Triton knows a good thing when he sees it and he knows that Ric-Rod is going to be racking up the mic points. He also knows that WWE Superstar and walking AXE body spray advertisement Zack Ryder isn't going over anytime soon. At least Ryder can rest easy knowing he has the highest ratio of crowd signs to matches won in the WWE Universe.

Slops:

1) Mark Henry: I know he scored a bunch of points during the Battle Royal, but he spent half the match outside the ring. I could make some terribly crude remarks about having to sit out half the match because he's so fat. I could say that "Weird Al" Yankovic wrote the song "Fat" about him, or that when he sits around the house he indeed sits around the outside of his house. But the fine readers of RiR are too classy for that brand of humor, so we'll just leave that stone unturned.

2) Rey Mysterio: In case you were unaware, Mr. 619 is going to be out for a few months after having surgery on his knee. This news comes as a serious blow to fantasy owners and nine-year-old kids everywhere. As an Alberto Del Rio owner, I'm saddened that he will not be jobbing for the champ anytime soon.

3) John Cena, Randy Orton, CM Punk, Christian: These fellas might not be aware, but combined they've been outscored by Evan Bourne. REALLY!?!?

Standings




Check out our league's smack talk here.

RAWards: 8/22/11

Best Heel Face Award
Runner-ups:



WINNER:

Best Face Heel Award

Spoiler Alert of the Week

Mystery solved.


Twweets of the Week

Little Jimmies of the Week

What They Were Really Thinking... at SummerSlam

"We both immediately regret this decision!"

"I just had my brows done!"

Dude to the left of Mark Henry: "Pleeease don't land on me!"

"First, are those Kelly Kelly's pants?! Second, friends don't let friends get this haircut."

Ref: "Man, I didn't even have to pay to see this action."

"Ohh... shiny!"

Fantasy Update: That’s a thing!?

This past Monday, the writers of our humble blog sat down to draft their teams for our fantasy WWE league. I know what you’re thinking: “But Mapes, I didn’t even realize that you could have a fantasy WWE league. I thought fantasy sports were just limited to NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, college basketball, college football, NASCAR, golf and cricket? Are you saying that I can be in a fantasy league where I get points for Randy Orton throwing Christian through the Spanish announcers’ table?”

Yes, surprisingly long-winded reader, that is exactly what I’m saying.

In fact, all of us at Raw is Real loved this idea so much that we amped it up to the tune of eight teams of five-man rosters (four Superstars and one Diva) and a $200 auction draft. Here are some of the props and slops to come out of the draft.

Props:

1) Sarah (Mysterious K2) nabbing Kelly Kelly for $55. Kelly Kelly wrestles. A lot. She’s easily the most valuable Diva, and she probably should have gone for at least $20 more. She got nominated early when everyone was still concerned about saving money for a top-flight Superstar.

2) Ramsey (Mr. Ramsey) - a.k.a. John Triton’s friend who doesn’t actually write on the blog a.k.a. The-Out-Of-Towner - landing Cody Rhodes for $50. You get some serious points for defending a belt and Cody Rhodes is the freshly-minted Intercontinental Champ. He was the last big name off the board and most people had blown their budget by the time his name was called.

3) Goose (CMSkunk) buying Mark Henry for $41. Mark Henry will not stop until everyone on SmackDown has a broken leg, or has died. Fortunately for Goose, you get a ton of points for using chairs, throwing people through barricades and sending your fellow wrestlers to the hospital. I’ve also heard that "babies eaten" could be a new scoring category by mid-season. If that’s the case, look for the World’s Strongest Man to really shine down the stretch.


Slops:

1) Goose taking Christian for $64. He just lost the World Heavyweight belt to Orton and I’ve heard that replicas of his pants aren’t selling too well over at WWE.com. Could be relegated to mid-card status for the immediate future.

2) Moose’s (Haven’t Cena Nuff) entire team, except Cena. She refused to leave the table without Cena, spending a whopping $141 on him. As a result, she had to fill her team out with Evan Bourne, Undertaker and an injured Big Show. The only way she wins the league is if Cena can somehow hold all of the belts simultaneously. I would not put this past the WWE.

3) John Triton (John Cena’s Dad) selecting Zack Ryder with the last nomination of the auction. WOO WOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Full Draft Results

Big thanks to the guys at DroptheBelt.com. It’s free to play, so check it out.



Check out our league's smack talk here.

SummerSlam Synopsis

Unless you were hiding under Mark Henry the past few days, you probably know what happened at SummerSlam by now. Nevertheless, it is our duty here at Raw is Real to give you color commentary that you can't find anywhere else.


Raw Heels vs. Raw Faces:

Miz comes out wearing his duster. Vintage Miz! Can anyone pull off the duster better than him? I don't think so. Miz comes out to thank us for our insistence that he compete at SummerSlam. I think his biggest proponent at this point is probably George Lopez. If you didn't know, his show was canceled. What?!? Yeah, he had a show and Miz was a frequent guest. I think Lopez is hoping to either become Miz's manager or secure a spot at the coveted Spanish announcers' table.

Anyways, there is a match and the faces win. Mysterio, Morrison and Kingston beat Miz, Del Rio and Truth.


CM Punk Promo:

OMG! Stephanie McMahon makes an appearance. CM Punk makes some hilarious jokes and goes on to refuse a handshake from her, because "he knows where that hand has been." THE FIX IS IN!


Mark Henry vs. Sheamus

If you weren't aware, Mark Henry has been making heads roll on SmackDown. It's OK if you didn't know, because Mark Henry is on.... SmackDown. (Which sucks, if you hadn't heard.) Sheamus has decided to stand up to him. Some people don't like big man matches. I am one of those people, but I thought this was a great match. Mark Henry looks brutal throughout the match, and ends up winning by count out after he plows Sheamus through a wall. It was pretty nuts. If you don't believe me, just ask this guy:

Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

OMG so hot!

My girl Kelly Kelly wins after she counters the Glam Slam into a quick roll up. ONE TWO THREE!


Wade Barrett vs. Daniel Bryan

Daniel Bryan is about as over as CM Punk's blood alcohol level. He comes out to crickets, who immediately realize it's Daniel Bryan and stop chirping. Did you know he has like 300 submission moves? Oh, you didn't? I don't blame you, because he's on... SmackDown. Anyway, the match itself is pretty even. It was a well-wrestled match, but in the end Wade Barret wins with WASTELAND!


Christian vs. Randy Orton

Hit the switch! It's Christian! No wait, please keep watching. I was just kidding, don't hit the switch. Anyways, he's on my fantasy team so I have to like him. Don't make fun of me. I COULD NOT PASS UP ON THE VALUE. He has a huge announcement, btw. Since anything goes, he is going to have his best friend come out and be in his corner. Could it really be Edge, the rated R superstar?! OMG, IT IS EDGE! He dances around for a bit then just lays into Christian for being such a crybaby. (Christian should revoke Edge's BFF necklace.) Any publicity is good publicity, I say. I also say that because Christian is on my fantasy team.

Orton comes out doused in what appears to be three bottles of baby oil, then the match starts. This was a very good match. I'd say it was possibly the best of the show. Christian gets RKO'd through the Spanish announcers' table and George Lopez is mad that he wasn't there. There are kendo sticks left and right. Orton is bleeding all over the place. Christian gets thrown through not one, but two tables. Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

If you're counting, this match probably accounted for 77 fantasy points. There are steel steps in the ring. And garbage cans! Just look at this. It's a f***ing jungle gym!

Orton eventually wins by RKO'ing Christian on top of those steel steps. We've seen this ending before, but that doesn't stop it from being awesome. Orton has to have one of the best finishers in the WWE today.


CM Punk vs. John Cena

Here it is. The reason you bought SummerSlam. (We know you're all good WWE fans and watched this legally.) Who is going to be the "undisputed" champion? Without doubt, the match was great, but it wasn't MITB quality. The crowd in Chicago really made that match something special.

I found myself waiting the whole time for Triple H to screw someone over. He eventually did by "accident" but it wasn't the screwjob that I was expecting. The match was slow and methodical. Fellow blogger and Cena mark John Triton was extremely worried that Punk would win after he countered several of Cena's signature moves. Punk fought out of the STF and countered the Attitude Adjustment a number of times.

Punk eventually hits a second Go To Sleep and gets the ONE TWO THREE. BUT CENA'S FOOT WAS ON THE ROPE. Mr. H's misses a vital call, and gives the match to Punk. Since Cena has a ton of respect - but not much hustle - he leaves the ring without too much of a fuss.

BUT WHAT THE F. Big Sexy Kevin Nash comes out of nowhere and Power Bombs my boy. OK, Prick. Ruin the celebration. Whatever, he's still the unanimous WWE Champ.

BUT WHAT THE F AGAIN! Alberto Del Rio runs down into the ring and cashes in his briefcase. No way he can win, right!? He kicks Punk in the head and gets the win faster than it takes JR to tap out of Swagger's ankle lock. Del Rio is the new undisputed champion. If there was a best Heel heel award, this would be it:

Overall, this was a very entertaining PPV. Definitely second best of the year behind MITB.

Reason #98 Why Nobody Watches SmackDown: Promos

There are two things that make wrestling awesome: wrestling and promos. Let's see how SmackDown does on promos by taking a look at Christian's "big" announcement this week:

"I'm gonna sue the WWE."

WHAT?!? WHY?!?

"Because, you see, I have medical documents stating that Randy Orton is mentally unstable, that he has serious anger management issues. Quite simply, that means that if you force me to compete at SummerSlam in a no holds barred match, you're putting your World Heavyweight Champion in an unsafe work environment."

You make a valid point. So what're you gonna do about it?

"If you don't pull the stipulation I'm gonna file a multi-million dollar lawsuit against this company. That means I'm gonna sue you. That means I'm gonna sue your children. That means I'm gonna sue every miserable piece of crap that earns a paycheck for this company, including that idiot from talent relations, John Laurinaitis (...) In fact, I'll go one better than that. I'll sue every single fan who buys a ticket to SummerSlam. And I'll sue every single fan who watches SummerSlam live on pay-per-view. I'LL SUE EVERYBODY. I DON'T CARE."

But... but... I'm a fan that was gonna watch SummerSlam live on pay-per-view...AND I DON'T HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

HHH: "Geez I guess I have no choice but to announce that the match at SummerSlam is... on." Blah blah blah, breach of contract, blah blah blah, "I'll fire you."

OH SHIT! Good save, Mr H's. I really thought we were f*cked there for a minute. WHAT NOW BITCH?

: (

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME (...) WHY, WHY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?"

You gots to earn some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. That's why. H's out.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT. CUT THE MUSIC, I GET THE LAST WORD... Fine forget the lawsuit, I'm gonna beat Randy Orton this Sunday at SummerSlam."

Bitch, it was forgotten before you even said it. And that's why nobody watches SmackDown.

Reason #99 Why Nobody Watches Smackdown: Pants

 W...T....

...F? 

Yellow highlighted crotch. Wow.

SummerSlam Preview: SmackDown

We're less than a week from SummerSlam! To get us all in the PPV spirit, we're previewing the coming matches and recapping the story lines leading up to the big event.

SmackDown sucks. Christian will probably, actually die at the hands of Randy Orton.

The end.