Raw Recap: 9/19/11

Opening promo:

Raw comes to us from Cleveland, Ohio, which makes the hearts of half of the Raw Is Real staff go pitter-patter (we're from northeastern Ohio).  Unfortunately, being in Cleveland makes CM Punk's heart just hurt.  We open the show with a clearly saddened Punk talking about how performing in the city of Cleveland hasn't ever been easy for or good to him.  In fact, he tells a little story about Bob Holly having punched him so hard in the face once in this building that he still has a dead spot in his field of vision.  Perhaps that's why he didn't see Kevin Nash coming at Night of Champions - despite the fact that everyone in the WWE Universe did.

What matters most about what Punk is saying is that his pride is hurting, mostly because he now knows that Mr. H's wasn't really involved in the plot to contain his pipe bombs. Kudos to Punk for the facial expression he sports as that Motorhead music comes blaring from the speakers while he's mid-sentence.

Out comes HHH still in his suit and tie, as he is still the COO - as Michael Cole points out. HHH goes through a lot of the same things he's been saying for a while, but adds that he respects Punk.  He gives a long "who's on first-esque" speech about how no one really believes that he sent a text to Kevin Nash - during any show, live or PPV.  Apparently he also thinks that Punk has a thick head.  Maybe that goes with the "skinny, fat ass".  He extends an olive branch in the form of a match by putting the Second City Savior into a three-way dance at Hell in a Cell for the WWE Championship.  Awww... they like each other, now.

Punk clarifies that he thinks someone higher up in the WWE is using the fact that Punk and HHH don't like one another to play the both of them.  Punk says that the conspiracy involves someone higher up on the ladder, to which the fat guy in the front row starts to chant "Shane McMahon".  Points to Punk for rolling his eyes at the guy and mouthing, "No".

The love fest and poor use of grammar is short-lived, as Johnny Laurinaitis appears.  Surprise! Surprise! John doesn't believe anything Punk says.  Punk makes it clear that Johnny Boy clearly wanted to be the COO with his "little stooge corporate eyes".  How romantic... now Punk is defending HHH's honor.  Laurenitis clarifies that his job is to look out for the welfare of the talent, and that he has no aspirations to be the COO.  Is THAT who we have to thank for the superstars not having health insurance?

Everyone clarifies to whom they report, and a round of "you're fired," "no, you're not fired" happens.  HHH promises to figure out who is swerving who by the end of the night, and uses the word "fired" for the 10,000th time in five minutes (as in someone is going to get fired before the show is over).


Air Boom, Sheamus and Justin Gabriel v. McGillicutty, Otunga, Christian and Wade Barrett

This match is really only valuable for the commentary.  Lawler gets in quite a few comments about "boring" McGillicutty, while Cole makes sure to mention (as he does every week) that Barrett is a former bare-knuckle champion.  Christian slaps little Evan Bourne in the face, which just isn't cool. After Bourne responds with a knee to Christian's face, Lawler has another gem with: "Christian may be sucking soup through a spoon" after that move.  Soon enough, Sheamus enters the match and JR says, "Sheamus enters the ring like a wild Irish bull." Are there bulls in Ireland? 

Now. we're on to the standard 6-man tag rules - everyone tries their own finishing maneuver one right after the other.  Otunga gets the worst of it, suffering a stiff kick to the face, followed by the Celtic Cross.  Interesting note: Otunga is heavier than most of the people Sheamus drills with the Celtic Cross, and Sheamus clearly shows on his face just how hard it is to lift the A-List over his head.  In the end, the team of Sheabriairboom wins the match.

Meanwhile...

Cut to HHH talking to "Chad the Referee" about how the refs are nervous that Awesome Truth are dangerous.  HHH says he'll take care of it. Not before being confronted by Albie, who is all kinds of upset about the three-way dance at Hell in a Cell.  Del Rio won't leave before saying how he prays that Mr. McMahon comes back to run the WWE.  Laughs ensue.


Alberto Del Rio v. John Morrison

After losing his title at NOC, Albie arrives to his match in a Porsche valued $200,000 less than the car Cena jacked from him.  Apparently not being the champion has already taken a toll on Del Rio's bank account.  Morrison, on the other hand, still makes enough dough to maintain his slow motion abs.  Del Rio is unimpressed and gives a very Chris Jericho like stink face.  Wasting no time, Albie dispatches his trusty arm breaker and Morrison has to tap out.

Promo for Hell in a Cell. Like NOC, it is sponsored by Light Strike, which means more commercials starring Rey Mysterio. 


Hugh Jackman and Dolph Ziggler promo

Then, Hugh Jackman comes out.  He's handsome, so it's okay that he looks like a kid in a candy store as he runs the ropes.  ~Insert movie promo here~

Hugh is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero.  Michael Cole has the best line: "The cougar meets the wolverine." LOL.  She gets creepy, and Hugh looks nauseous.  Dolph then takes the mic, confusing Jackman with Christian Bale.  Blah blah blah by Jackman.  He also manages to compare Jackman to Mason Ryan. 

Then comes a reference to Cleveland being all about the underdog.  "We all know that underdog is another word for loser," he says.  Jackman won't take that and promises to go in the back to find the biggest underdog imaginable, who he can then help to beat Ziggler. Hugh Jackman pulls a total "fan move" and takes a "Ziggler > Wolverine" sign from a fan as if to confirm that he will indeed be in the corner of the Internet Champion.


The Miz and R-Truth promo

Miz and Truth arrive in a 1990's Jeep Cheroke.  They apologize to John Laurinaitis for putting him in an uncomfortable position.


Sin Cara v. Cody Rhodes

Next comes Sin Cara - is it the real one or the fake one?  Everyone at Raw Is Real is happy to see that the WWE picked up on our various water cooler conversations about how it's so obvious that they're two different men.   Cody Rhodes comes out, followed by the other Sin Cara.  Now it's on! Both Sin Caras pull the same moves on their counterpart one after another.l  Uno Sin Cara gets drop kicked out of the ring, and the "match" is over.  Where did Cody Rhodes go!?

Meanwhile...

HHH drinks his coffee while Awesome Truth apologize for putting their hands on a referee and for interfering in Mr. H's match.  Truth even apologizes to all of the Little Jimmies.  I mean, Truth calls the man "Trips".  Does he want a job with Raw Is Real?  The Miz has extremely red eyes - so he's clearly been crying about this for hours.  "Trips" accepts their apology.  He fines each man $250,000 for touching an official.  He then makes a match with the two budding rap stars to face Punk and Cena.


Mark Henry promo

JR informs the audience that Randy Orton has asked for his World Championship rematch at Hell in a Cell.  Then, the interview is on - Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, carrying his title belt (since it clearly won't fit around his massive waist).  He promises not to forgive JR, and the rest of the people who never supported him or believed in him.  He wants JR to apologize on behalf of all of the WWE universe and then for himself.  He says that JR once told Vince McMahon to fire him because he was "injury prone and an over achiever".  It's the most I've ever heard Mark Henry say in 15 years. 

JR apologizes, and the fans are not happy about it.  Next thing you know, JR is helpless at the hands of Mark Henry who says, "this is where you beg for your life."  Enter Jerry Lawler.  Sexual Chocolate lets go of JR only to grab The King, who throws a great right hand, then is just as quickly dropped to the mat with a World's Strongest Slam.  It's a wonder Michael "Undefeated at Wrestlemania" Cole didn't get into the ring.  Henry pulls apart the announcers' table, so Cole does indeed have to scram.  Another World's Strongest Slam for Lawler, right through the table.  The fans are heard saying "get Michael Cole".  We wish!

Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres v. The Divas of Doom (Beth Phoenix and Natalya)

Kelly Kelly is continuing her job of carrying my fantasy team with all of these title defenses.  Thank God.  Beth Phoenix continues her job of keeping headband retailers in business.  She also seems to want to show off all of her brightly colored skivies, as the skirt appears to be her new wardrobe.  "Finish her Beth" can be heard repeatedly, while Natalia auditions for Mortal Combat/Street Fighter in her corner.  Nothing exciting here, and Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres win.


Hugh Jackman and Zach Ryder promo

Hugh Jackman recaps Zach Ryder's rise to Internet fame.  "You're not an underdog, you're out of your mind.  You're kind of delusional.  You're perfect!" he says.  Is Ryder really going to be Jackman's pick for a match against Dolph?  Woo, Woo, Woo, YOU KNOW IT!

Dolph Ziggler v. Zach Ryder (with Hugh Jackman)

Jackman is wearing a Ryder "Broski" bandana.  It looks amazing.  Ziggler is not impressed.  Vickie screams from his corner.  Standard.  Hugh Jackman channels all of the best managers and valets of the past, as he really does seem to keep Ryder in this match with a series of cheers and commentary.  Double clothesline.  Dazed, Ryder crawls toward Vickie, who throws a cougar paw in his face and gets herself ejected.  Mikey C won't have any of that behavior!  Jackman climbs on the apron and punches Ziggler square in the face.  Immediate KO!  "Ladies and gentlemen, that was a real steal for Zach Ryder."  Oh, Michael Cole.

Jack Swagger consoles Vickie with a video package of his greatest moments.  He promises that he can help Vickie get some face time with the Wolverine.  She agrees to add Swagger to her stable of bleach blondes, and Ziggler looks on disappointed.


John Cena and CM Punk promo

Cena and Punk in one locker room.
Cena: "Partners!"
Punk: "Yeah.."
Cena: "The new Rock and Roll Express."
Punk: "I wouldn't go that far."

Cena then goes on to tell Punk how similar they are.  He's right, you know... they're both men, they both have popular t-shirts, they both have someone with the last name "Word" rooting for them in Columbus.  Twinsies!

The Miz and R-Truth v. John Cena and CM Punk

Awesome Truth come out to their new REEEEMIX song.  The world is shocked as the Miz actually tells Cleveland, his hometown, that they suck.  All is right with the world when he gives a coy smile to say he's just kidding. 

Girls scream and Punk vomits as Cena removes his shirt.  Miz shakes C-Rob's hand (the referee).  It's on, and Cena takes it to Miz.  Punk makes faces throughout the match.  It's about the only thing that makes the majority of the match exciting. 

Cole compares The Miz to Ali, which prompts everyone to wonder why Michael Cole isn't more popular with everyone.  He's just so supportive.  All I can focus on during this match are the fans with the A-W-E-S-O-M-E signs.  Perfectly timed and flipped appropriately (read: not upside down).  Points for Cleveland. CM Punk's scream of "it's nap tiiiiiiime" snaps me back into the match.  Miz fights out of the setup for the GTS with a series of rapid fire elbows.  Unfortunately, once dropped, he basically slams in to R-Truth.  Oh nooooooooooo!  Punk tries again and is successful with the Go to Sleep.  Punk gets his hand raised by Cena... and cue HHH's music. 

"Punk, good match.  Miz, Truth, you're fired."  That's it.  No explanation.  He's the COO.  He's wearing pants with crisp pleats.  He doesn't need to explain himself.  Cut to a shot of the rest of the roster sitting stunned in the back.  Miz and Truth attack HHH, and the rest of the roster has to break it up. Awesome Truth are ejected from the building, and Trips rips out his pony tail... followed by a violent shove to an electronics cart.

Raw Recap: 9/12/11

Opening promo

Birdo has decided to call himself the greatest of the great, which seems like a bad move when you’re in Canada. Oh, there it is. Bret Hart is in the building. The Hitman might be the best there ever will be, but his persistence in sticking to this hairstyle despite the effects of aging is basically the definition of the worst. ADR says Bret’s appearance reminds him of the Canadians he hires to clean his house. I was not aware there was a big rivalry between Mexico and Canada, but I like it!

Cena, of course, hates anything that I like so he powers up. He accuses Del Rio of running away like a little bitch. The champ disputes this, but then promptly hides behind the skirts of Ricardo Rodriguez. Cena, who thinks he books Raw now, suggests a Hart vs. Del Rio match. Why not all four, asks Johnny Ace?

John Morrison and Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger

Are you kidding me? We missed Morrison’s intro during the commercial? I love watching that dude’s hair in slow motion. The whole match is just a pretense for more feuding between Jack and Dolph over the heart of Vickie Guerrero. The two argue and refuse to tag the other, resulting in a loss.

R-Truth and The Miz promo

The ever-growing list of people in on the conspiracy against these two now includes BS Punk and possibly ninjas. Both believe that they should be the main event every night. Look, I have to agree. It doesn’t get better than this:




The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston

A clean win here for The Miz, despite Truth’s presence at ringside. I’d guess that will be part of the conspiracy when they lose at Night of Champions. I hope they build suspense with this rivalry and really make the fight over the tag team belt exciting. Though with a name like Air Bore, how exciting can it be?

Vickie Guerrero and Kelly Kelly promo

Teddy Bear says that Ziggler will defend his title against Swags, A-Ry and Morrison at Night of Champions. Finally! I’m a fan of Dolph, but he’s had this belt without much competition for way too long. Vickie is upset about this turn of events, and lets Teddy know it. Kelly Kelly suggests that if Vickie were more like her maybe she’d get her way. Ah, so you’re saying it’s all an act, Kelly?


David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Jerry Lawler and Sheamus

And McGuillicutty speaks! Lawler continues to insist that the former tag team champs have no personality. Otunga and McGuill do pretty much nothing to prove him wrong. Sheamus hits a couple of Braugh Kicks, then an Irish Cross for the pin on McGuill. Blah, blah, blah, whatever.

Meanwhile, backstage

Ric-Rod apparently thinks milk is an aphrodisiac? He might be trying to give Birdo a hint, but the champ just seems disgusted.


John Cena and Bret Hart vs. Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez

Surprise, surprise! Bret Hart doesn’t actually wrestle. Cena squashes Ric, while Birdo does everything he can to stay out of the ring. John finishes Ric-Rod off with the AA and tags Hart in for a sharpshooter. This was almost entirely pointless.

Kelly Kelly vs. Vickie Guererro

Another pretense of a match to build up the Swagger-Ziggler feud. A ringside argument breaks out into a fight and Vickie is distracted enough for Kelly Kelly to easily roll her up for the win. One last win before Beth takes that belt from her, I hope.


Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

I’m really not a fan of this brand integration thing, but Orton and Rhodes are two people I wouldn’t mind seeing on Raw every week. Cody’s very deliberate way of speaking is captivating and amusing at the same time. And Randy Orton is just a sadistic son-of-a-bitch.

Mark Henry is at ringside for most of this match to distract Randy with his impending doom. It’s enough to allow Rhodes to get in a hit with his face mask and finish Orton off with the Cross Rhodes.

CM Punk and Triple H promo

OK, this thing started off with the same old complaints from Punk and the same old deflections from Mr. H’s, but boy did it take off at the end.

Punk claims that H’s and Vince both believe that smaller guys have no place in the ring and that, as a result, Punk has been held back. Hunter disagrees, referencing the likes of Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and Rey Mysterio. Point H’s.

H’s tells Punk to stop worrying about his opinion and focus on what the fans think about him. Punk asks if Trips is even listening to the fans, who immediately begin a chant for Punk. Point Punk.

Trips says Punk will know he’s made it big when Seven Eleven is begging him to be on slushie cups and not the other way around. Punk asks where his ice cream bars are, in that case. Point Punk.

Mr. H’s points out all the opportunities Punk has accumulated over the years that he claims he has been overlooked: titles, main events, MITB briefcases. Perhaps it’s his own fault he’s not over? Point H’s.

Triple H advises Punk to be more like John Cena. Uh, no thank you. Point Punk.

H’s says that no matter how Punk tries to spin their match to be about business, it’s all personal now. QUITE FRANKLY, Trips is just a man. A man who will kick some skinny skinny fat ass on Sunday. Punk counters that his quest for the holy grail will not end until he sees H’s gone.

Then, shit gets real, guys. “This isn’t CM Punk talking to Triple H, this is Phil Brooks talking to Paul Levesque,” and cue the mic cut off. H’s offers his own, but that also goes out with just one utterance of “Paul”. A third mic is found, but Punk uses that to bash H’s head in.

Superlatives

Who got got?

Triple H, who not only loses the points battle, but also gets a nice bump on his forehead from that mic. I think it was a little real, guys.

Most predictable moment

The loss suffered by David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty. Why are these two still employed at this point? To put Jerry Lawler over?

Most awkward moment

Kelly Kelly has a difficult time remembering all of three lines and stares over Vickie’s shoulder during their backstage promo, most likely at cue cards.

Raw Recap: 9/5/11

We've got quite the surprise for you fellow WWE RAW fans and sushi lovers. Moose and Goose actually attended RAW live in Columbus, Ohio. John Triton does it for the fans. I do it for the paycheck.

Not only were we there in the flesh but we were contracted by WWE to perform the very important task of seat filling. Look for an article on The Art of the Seat Fill in the future.

Since we were in attendance, we got to see three Superstars! matches beforehand. So I'm going to recap those, as well...

Jokes! I will not be recapping any matches that happened between jobber to the jobber to the stars and Bryan Danielson.


CM Punk intro

The show opens up with my boy CM Skunk. For some reason, he is still going on about Mr. Irrelevant, Kevin Nash. After calling Nash out, he continues to berate him. I did not know this but "Super Shredder" was referencing Kevin Nash's acting debut as none other than Super Shredder in TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze.

The same old story continues as Mr. H's strolls down to the ring. I think I'm the only person who is sick of HHH, as my booing was vastly outmatched by cheers from Little Jimmies around the arena. This time though he gives us a little spoiler nugget. Apparently. he came into some security footage from the Staples Center. Kevin Nash was spotted going into Mr. H's office at the same time Nash received the infamous text. If you're following along: it was Nash, in Mr. H's office, with HHH's cell phone!

Eventually tempers flare and, in the aftermath, Kevin Nash is fired by HHH. At least we can only hope. He's later spotted getting into a limo with Johnny boy, Mr. Laurinaitis.


Air Boom (I can't believe this is a thing) vs. Jinder Mahal & The Great Khali

Again, much to my surprise, I am literally the only person in the arena booing Air Boom. Usually I boo them in the comfort of my living room. If I can't be more vocal than the Little Jimmies on TV, I use the remote to turn down the volume. But even I wasn't delusional enough to think that Jinder Mahal was actually going to win a match, let alone against Air Boom. Some high flying moves were performed, Little Jimmies cheered and all was right in the world.


Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres

Kelly Kelly was the guest announcer for the Diva's #1 Contender Match. I had a Kelly Kelly sign, which you can see below:

At the show, they announced this match would be was a No. 1 Contenders match against Eve but they never announced who her opponent would be. So, I immediately penciled in 30 points for my fantasy stud Beth Phoenix. In the end, Eve Torres continues to be irrelevant and loses this match in a matter of seconds.


CM Skunk vs. R-Truth with The Miz at ringside

This match was interesting because of the Miz factor. With him watching from the outside of the ring, Truth actually had a chance to win this match. Truth dominates throughout the beginning, but eventually Punk overcomes. Miz can be seen making hilarious faces throughout.

At the conclusion, Mr. H's comes out and tells Punk his match against Punk will be a no DQ match. A cheap trick to hide the fact that Mr. H's is rustier than your bike from kindergarten. Punk realizes that HHH has yet to kill anyone in over a decade of sledge hammering, so he accepts after adding his own stipulation: if Trips loses, he must resign as COO. Sorry, Ramsey! This stipulation just cost you major points.


David Otunga & Michael McGillicuddy vs. Jerry Lawler & Zack Ryder

Wow, that was a mouthful. Before the match starts, they show a highlight reel of Zack Ryder's best YouTube clips. As a Zack Ryder mark, I was very entertained. I held up my other sign proudly throughout the entire clip. Maybe I'll be sign of the week?!? 

Anyway, if you can't spot squash matches coming a mile away like me, this is one. I mean, if you look in the dictionary next to squash there is probably a picture of a squash. But there should be a picture of this match, instead. After a few tags, Ryder wins in convincing fashion with the Rough Ryder. I'm sure there will be much hoopla about this on his next Z: True Long Island Story.


Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater

Pete & Pete jobs to Randy Orton.


John Cena + Morrison + Sheamus + A-Ry vs. Wade Barett + Christian + Swagger + Ziggler

I'm getting bored of typing, so this last match recap will be randomly thrown together. Kind of like the match itself. Heyyyy ohhhh! It's a four vs. four tag team elimination match. I'm licking my chops at the mounds of points my all-heel fantasy team is going to rack up. That is, until Swagger poaches all of the elimination points. He's the Lendale White to my Chris Johnson. Swagger takes out both A-Ry and Morrison. There are multiple stories being told in this match. Swagger and Ziggler are squabbling with each other. My boy Christian is counted out after running away from Sheamus. John Cena takes on Ziggler and Swagger all by himself. Just another day in the WWE.


After Raw goes off the air

Ha, you forgot that we were at the show didn't you!? Ricardo Rodriguez get's AA'd and put to sleep by Cena and Punk. They then go outside the ring and sign autographs for the rich people who have front row seats. Punk ends up flirting with some hot blonde chick for like three minutes as she gets photographs, autographs, and a choreographed dance number. That last one was a lie. I watch on from the cheap seats (seats were actually really good) in envy. I want to go down there and get Punk to sign my shirt but my wife Moose attended No Fun University and says I'm not allowed down there. I think she just wanted to leave so she could buy her $40 worth of Cena gear.

Raw Recap: 8/29/11

It's tough to pull away from "The Bachelor Pad", but we are watching Raw live tonight, no DVR. I do it all for my fans.


Opening promo:

Mr. H's starts off tonight to announce tonight's Super Raw (Yay! SmackDown stars! I hope Jinder Mahal is here!) and address Kevin Nash's fake car accident last week. He is quickly joined by CM Punk, wearing Jeff Hardy's boots, and Nash. It got started a little slow with Nash and Mr. H's working out their problems. Thankfully, we've got CM Punk in the ring, who pretty much said my thoughts exactly when he called Nash gimpy and boring. If it was me, I would have said something along the lines of him looking like he's trying out for a "Just for Men" commercial. Punk then sets his sights on Mr. H's, who he berates until he gives us a Nash vs. CM Punk match for NOC.

I can't see Nash being able to wrestle a match up to the standards CM Punk has set for his matches, so I think something will be up with that match. My guess is that is where Mr. H's finally gives us the heel turn. He is really starting to look like a bitch lately next to Punk, so it's about time he gets one over on him.


Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton

Ziggler gets off to a hot start, likely due to the Cougar necklace that his manager is wearing. Orton turns it around and actually lands a Superplex(!) on Dolph. We go back and forth a little more, until Dolph gives Randy a little Sweet Chin Music.

The match finally ends with Randy reversing a sleeper hold into a modified powerbomb followed by a RKO. That was actually a really good match. It's good to see that the stink of SmackDown hasn't affected Randy yet. Props to Dolph too. I'm actually intrigued by this Vickie Guerrero/Swagger/Ziggler storyline right now.


John Cena promo:

It's been about 40 minutes and they haven't even mentioned Cena. Thankfully, he's out next. John tells us that we should be here right now. Luckily, he's coming to Columbus next week! Has anybody ever listened to the words of Cena's entrance? Tonight's introduction ends with my favorite line of the song: "I'll brush your mouth like Colgate." That's why I love Cena. He can talk smack using personal hygiene.

Wow, Cena gets beeped and says anus in the span of two sentences. A couple of second grade teachers are going to have a rough day tomorrow. Unfortunately, Mark Henry comes out and talks about some SmackDown stuff. The fans make it even worse with the stupid "WHAT?" chant. Not sure if I am the only one on the RiR staff who feels this way, but I hate that bit. A lot of great heel promos get ruined with that stuff. Anyway, other people come out and it looks like we will get Cena and Sheamus vs. Christian and Mark Henry.

Meanwhile, backstage

We cut to John Laurinaitis who ends up getting confronted by Mr. H's. The real wild card in this whole storyline is this what Lauranitis has to do with all of this. He's mostly been in the background, but they've been mentioning him a lot more on this episode. Feels like he going to play a prominent role before it's all said and done.


The Miz vs. CM Punk

Punk's boots look a lot better with his trunks then his t-shirt, by the way. The early highlight is when Lawler tells a geography joke. Miz is mostly controlling the match until Punk gets a few moves in. To be honest, the announcers have kind of ruined this match for us, as King and Cole won't shut up. Guys, we are over you. Luckily, action picks up as R-Truth interferes and gets Miz DQ'd. Punk fends them off until Nash comes out to distract him and the beat down starts. My beef with this is why would Miz and Truth, who are complaining about conspiracies, let Nash take all the spotlight? If I were them, I'd kick Nash's ass. That will get you some attention.


Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger

Sin Cara wins with a lionsault when Dolph distracts Swagger because he is jealous of the whole Guerrero/Swagger thing going on. I have a little less faith in this whole angle now that someone in it lost to Sin Cara. Forget what I said earlier.


Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty

It's a rematch for the Tag Titles, probably because David Otunga used that rematch clause that his agent was so savvy to include. We learn that the new Bourne/Kingston tag team will be called Air Boom, as suggested by a WWE fan. Darn it, I really thought they might like my submission of Air Bore, amirite?. Anyway, unsurprisingly Bourne and Kofi take it.


Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella

The Bella twins pull the old switcharoo once again for the victory. I will be curious to see how they score that match. Brie was the legal winner, but Nikki won the match. The life of a WWE statistician is one I do not envy.


Commercial Break

As a big fan of WWE films (I went to the theatre all four days that "12 Rounds" was out), I was excited to see the trailer for their new movie "Laundromat Knights". It surprises me that they are going to try a romantic comedy with all the success they have had in action films, but this one looks like a winner. For those who didn't see the trailer, it stars Evan Bourne as a successful investment banker who falls for the local, lowly laundromat girl played by Mandy Moore. It also stars Jason Biggs as Evan's down-to-earth friend and Vladimir Koslov as the evil laundromat owner. Looking forward to that one!


John Cena and Sheamus vs. Mark Henry and Christian

The subplot of this match is that Henry gets the winner tomorrow between Orton and Christian at NOC, so maybe a double-cross is in the books. Heels get the early advantage, until Sheamus gets the hot tag to Cena who cleans house. Faces end up winning the match with the combination of a Brogue Kick and FU on Christian. Wouldn't hold my breath tomorrow for a win if I was Christian fan after that.

Ending promo:

We think that Raw ends, but they cut back to Mr. H's in the dressing room who is approached by Punk. Mr. H's lets Punk know that his match with Nash has been canceled. After Punk berates him a little more, Mr. H's informs him that he still will have a match at NOC, only against Mr. H's himself.

This confirms my earlier premonition, as there was no way Nash could wrestle a whole match. They did a good job of bypassing the Nash match without making him look weak. Overall, the set up has been pretty intriguing so far. A Punk vs. Mr. H's match has been teased recently with Punk calling him a doofus during his now famous rant, and showing up a comic-com. I think the WWE has done a great job of taking the story to its likely ending point while keeping a couple of wild cards. It will be interesting to see what Nash has to say about this next week, as well as what role, if any, he plays in their match.


Superlatives

Who got got?

John Laurinaitis gets told what's what by Trips.

Most predictable moment

A tie between The Miz and Dolph Ziggler losing. You had to know who would win as soon as those matches were announced, right?

Most awkward moment

Natalya and Beth Phoenix rant backstage about how they're not jealous of Kelly Kelly. But they're totally jealous of Kelly Kelly.

Raw Recap: 8/22/11

Opening promo

Del Rio wastes no time this week in getting to the ring. His car is worth $225,000 and is the newest in a line of more expensive rides Alberto has used since realizing his destino. We see highlights of his match against Mysterio last week. Apparently the vicious cross arm breaker Del Rio applied has left Rey’s knee devastated enough for surgery. He’ll be out for several months.

Cena rudely interrupts Del Rio’s pontification before it can begin. He reintroduces himself to the champ. Yeah, we all know who you are, John. Jesus. Dude cannot just sit backstage and watch when the belt is out there. Cena taunts Del Rio, asking: “Am I supposed to believe you own 10,000 automobiles?” Woah, watch that kayfabe!

Punk enters, asking if this is a rerun: “John Cena wants another title match. I’ve seen this one before.” Nailed it! Cena continues to mock ADR and address Punk with a strange mix familiarity and respect. John seems to want to be Punk’s bestie, now. It is lonely at the top, I guess.

But Alberto reminds us that he is the champ. Punk agrees, saying that someone behind the scenes wanted it that way, referring to Del Rio as Birdo, or possibly Berto. Not sure, but either way he believes he deserves a rematch over John. “Your championship clause exists as much as Santa Claus,” he says. Non-PG alert! There are kiddies all over the place, dude!

Mr. H’s sets things up from here: No. 1 Contenders match between Cena and Punk as tonight’s main event. Things just got real, guys.


Alberto Del Rio vs. John Morrison

A win for the champ here, but by no means was it a squash match. Things were pretty even throughout and Morrison put some good stuff over on Del Rio, including making him bleed around the eye. Are those rhinestone pants legal? Could be sharp.

In the end, Morrison attempts Starship Pain, but Albie gets out of the way. Del Rio locks in the cross arm breaker and John taps out.


Eve Torres vs. Nikki Bella

A quick match, thankfully. Eve pulls some typical booty popping, of which Lawler says he is a big fan. No kidding! Eve wins with a spinning neckbreaker.

Beth Phoenix and Natalya enter to sarcastically applaud, again. I’m eager to see Beth wrestle, but I think they’re actually doing a decent job of building suspense with this storyline. The less she wrestles the more I want to see her.


Jack Swagger vs. Alex Riley

Again!? Really? Really? REALLY?


Triple H, Kevin Nash and CM Punk promo:

H’s invites Nash out to back up his claim that the two worked out this SummerSlam text business. Nash is very concerned that Trips wants to take away his manhood. Mr. H’s is very concerned that Kevin is not on his payroll. Punk is very concerned with the contents of Stephanie McMahon’s purse.

Big Sexy attacks Punk, and H’s is forced to escort him from the ring. Despite Nash’s considerable rust on the mic (WHAT?), this storyline is intriguing, if not outright entertaining. Who is really behind these mysterious text messages? Who wants Birdo to be champ? Who did Kevin Nash’s dye job? Because you missed a spot in the back there, guy.


Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty

The announcers talk about the coming main event between Cena and Punk for the majority of this match, which is a bit disappointing because it was actually a good tag team match. We got to see a great display of pure power against high-flying acrobatics.

Evan hits the Air Bourne to finish the champs off and he and Kofi do a great job of celebrating like this is an actual goal they have been trying to accomplish for months, rather than a whim from last week. They get big pops from the crowd, probably because they at least know one of the two guys in this team.

Meanwhile, backstage

John Lauranitis informs Mr. H’s that Nash was in a car accident and Trips takes the bait immediately, leaving for the hospital. John stares longingly – or perhaps diabolically – after him. Which is weird, right?

The Miz and R-Truth promo

Not only were these two hilarious, they generated some great heat from the Canadian crowd. My words probably can’t do justice, so I really suggest you just watch it again:




CM Punk vs. John Cena

Dear guy at Raw who threw back Cena’s shirt TWICE,

You are awesome and you should feel good. Thank you for being you.

Love,
The Miche

The look on Cena’s face when he tossed it back to the same spot was great. It was like he was thinking, “Haha, good one. But I know you want my shirt for real.” NO! WE DON’T! Punk rubs salt on the wound. “They didn’t throw my shirt back,” he says after throwing his shirt to the same place.



These two consistently fight good, entertaining matches. I don’t know if anything will ever come close to the Chicago crowd, but I still love watching Cena and Punk give it their all. Punk mocks the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but his bravado goes on a bit too long and Cena counters.

Both men kick out of the other’s finisher. Cena takes a kick to the head and it looks like Punk is about to hit another GTS for the finish when Nash – not looking like he was in a serious car accident in the slightest – distracts him. What the devil is going on here?

Superlatives

Who got got?

“I believe Santino Marella just got got.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, Cole.

Most predictable moment

We all knew Kevin Nash had not been in a car accident, right? Classic misdirect.

Most awkward moment

Dolph Ziggler apparently takes a hand to Vickie Guerrero and the crowd is unsure if they should be offended or not. Obviously you should never hit a lady, but on the other hand it is Vickie Guerrero.

Potential WWE Products

With JR back on the mic, we have heard some and will continue to hear references to his Good Ol' BBQ Sauce. With that in mind, we thought up some other products the WWE should endorse. You're welcome, guys!


Mr. H's Mouthwash

I know many readers probably work the same droid life as me. Mornings are the most depressing time; you freshen up, get some oral hygiene done, get dressed and go to work. Well, let's add some excitement to our morning routine. Introducing WWE's new product: Mr. H's Mouthwash.

Though it may taste like normal mouthwash, the product will inspire the consumers to spit out their mouthwash like the King of Kings. Imagine the rush as you spit spearmint tasting liquid all over your bathroom. Surely the extra motivation will help you raise your Pedigree* at work.

*If you didn't like this pun, they are about to get way worse.


CM Punk's Straight Edge Taxi Service

Going out tonight, but don't have a designated driver? CM Punk will personally pick you up and return your car. Trying to pick up girls? CM Punk will make fun of failures endlessly. Want to start a fight with the bouncer? CM Punk may or may not have your back. On the way home, he will ridicule you free of charge. This service will ensure you Go To Sleep in your own bed.


Jeff Hardy's Drug Testing

Are you running a business? Are you concerned that your employees smoke a little too much meth? Try out Jeff Hardy's drug testing service. This man has been tested for drugs more than any other human being on planet Earth (except José Bautista). Sure, he's been caught a couple of times. But as any other great Hardy would, he learned from his mistakes.

Any positive test will turn the guilty party's hair into a brightly-colored rainbow. This guarantees that the guy will look like a dbag when you fire him, just like Hardy. Don't leave your business to a Twist Of Fate.


Kofi Kingston's Accent Removal

Moving to a new country? Want to fit in? Concerned that your particular manner of speaking is not relatable to the demographic you're pursuing? Use Kofi Kingston's Accent Removal now and avoid any Trouble In (your new) Paradise.

Raw Recap: 8/15/11

Opening promo:

The Game apologizes for totally botching the shit out of that match he officiated at SummerSlam the night before. He cops to his mistake and declares his intention to look Cena in the eye and apologize. I assumed he meant to do this in the ring, but we see him enter Johnny’s room backstage later. I mean, seriously? We have to watch people sign contracts practically once a month, but Mr. H’s begging John Cena for forgiveness is too private for the rest of the WWE Universe?

Trips also claims that his bestest bestie for life Kevin Nash acted alone, much like Lee Harvey Oswald. To quote R-Truth, I think there’s a C-O-N-spiracy afoot. Stephanie McMahon sure is… around. What might that be about?

Alberto Del Rio promo:

ADR enters as the official undisputed WWE champion. The man is just glowing now that he has finally realized his destino. And he wants to be everything a true WWE champ should be. He will be in the lobby to sign autographs and take pictures with the kiddies, he says. He is generating some serious heat from all these Rey Mysterio disciples.

Albie knows he will face his first title defense later against Rey, and he is quite pleased about it. “Everytime I wake up in the morning, I ask myself: Alberto Del Rio, what do you feel like doing today? I feel like beating Rey Mysterio.” Don’t we all?

John Morrison vs. R-Truth:

Falls count anywhere in this match, which was apparently requested by JoMo. Michael Cole says he’s been waiting a long time to fight Truth. It has been a rather long week, I guess.

The match is action-packed from the beginning. Morrison is a fantastic seller. Half the time when he flops down onto the floor like a dead fish, I am really worrying about his position on my fantasy roster. JoMo wins by throwing himself into Truth on an announcer’s chair. The headrest looked pretty soft to me, but I guess this is devastating for Truth and Morrison covers easily.

The Miz promo:

My boy is out in the ring, looking dapper and selling some God damn Subway sandwiches. Jared “McLovin” Fogel pretends he is not a fan of the Awesome One, but I’m not fooled. The Miz sells the shit out of that sub, crushing it in his powerful fists. Millions of people probably had to pause their DVRs and run out to get some Subway because the cravings were so strong. I know I did.

Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres vs. The Bella Twins

Whatever. My eyes glazed over until my girl Beth and her platonic life partner Natalya arrived to sarcastically clap at Kelly Kelly.

Kevin Nash promo:

Nash implies – though never outright states – that he received a text from Trips asking him to stick the winner of the SummerSlam title match. Kevin’s loyalty is only surpassed by how gross his beard is, so he was happy to oblige. It’s just business, Nash says. So, loyalty to friends = business? OK, let’s just roll with it.

Punk interrupts with his incredulousness. Either Nash or Mr. H’s must be lying. I’m concerned about Punk’s cognitive abilities if he literally can’t think of a third scenario. He declines Nash’s offer to see the text on his phone and instead reads one from his sister: “OMG. Kevin Nash. WTF. Thought he was dead. LOL.” Oh, snap!

These two trade insults for some time, during which Punk shows off his superior mic abilities. Eventually, Punk tires of talking and attempts to settle things in the ring (for once) and suddenly there is security all up in this bitch. Punk runs away to find Mr. H’s and whine about how Kevin isn’t playing fair. Man, there is a lot of tension between these two all of a sudden!

Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger:

We return from commercial break to an invasion of Vickler at the announcers’ table. Dolph keeps making not-so-vague references to Vickie’s interference in his match against A-Ry last week. Lawler makes about five fat jokes about a woman who is not fat and is certainly in better shape than him. The WWE, ladies and gentlemen!

The annoying sniping from the announcers distracts from a boring and technically bad match, to be honest. Vickie ends up stealing JR’s hat and somehow distracts the official with it, scoring a win for Swags. Jack catches up with Vickie backstage to recommend she expand her client base. Really, Vickie? You can do better.

David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston:

I’m not going to lie to my possibly half a dozen faithful readers: I left the room to get a piece of cake during this match. It was leftover birthday cake and it was f***ing delicious. When I returned, Kofi and Evan had won and were gesturing to invisible belts as if issuing a challenge. It seems like a well-suited team to me and hopefully Kofi and Mickey Mouse will present a legit and interesting challenge to the tag team champs.

Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio:

This is as exciting a match as any that include Mysterio. That is to say, not very. Rey tries to pull a 619, but Alberto counters with his knees and rolls him up for a three count. Albie is so enthusiastic about his first title defense that he decides to beat up Mysterio after the bell.

John Cena, of course, is having none of it. He saves Lil’ Rey, then rants about Del Rio’s cowardice in cashing in his MITB on a destroyed Punk. Apparently, Cena has never heard of Money in the Bank before. Del Rio and Rodriguez mock him with what can only be described as “scaredy fingers” as they back out with the belt.

So, the foundations are in place for Cena and Del Rio to fued over the title (because John Cena couldn’t possibly be a part of a storyline that did not include the championship). Meanwhile, Punk will forget about his deep-seated hatred of everything Cena stands for and fued for a while with Kevin Nash over text messages like high school girls. Got this all tied up with a bow, don’t you Mr. H’s?

Superlatives:

Who got got?
Jared the Subway Guy, who was rendered speechless by the theft of his sandwich and This Miz's superior abilities as a spokesman.

Most predictable moment:
Rey Mysterio jobbing to Alberto Del Rio. All Mysterio does these days is touch foreheads with kids and job to the title.

Most awkward moment:
It takes a shameful three attempts for Jack Swagger to hit a gutwrench suplex on Alex Riley, as he hangs there like dead weight.