Reason #12 Why Nobody Watches SmackDown: Stupid, Boring Matches

WTF? Great Khali vs. Health Slater?

This shit actually happens on SmackDown. It's the worst.

Reason #95 Why Nobody Watches SmackDown: Scheduling

This show is called Friday Night SmackDown, yes? Friday Night SmackDown? I mean, half the time this crap isn't even on Friday! My DVR is all messed up. What gives?

The ads for this so-called Super SmackDown suggested that we would see the likes of The Miz (false), John Morrison (false) and Alberto Del Rio (false). Matches for CM Punk vs. Great Khali and Alberto Del Rio vs. Sin Cara were promised. Instead, we got boring Daniel Bryan against No Face and The Great Pale Douchebag against Khali. Not to mention, the second night in a row of John Cena pontification. Gross.

Damn it! These jokers just tricked us into watching SmackDown! WHY WHY WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US!?

Reason #96 Why Nobody Watches SmackDown: Intro Music

Green Day? Are you serious? This is just some bland crap. How is this supposed to get me pumped up to watch some wrestling? This song must be the anthem for thickly-eyelined faux goth kids everywhere.



"Do you know your enemy?
Do you know your enemy?
Well, you gotta know the enemy, wah hey"

What does 'wah hey' even MEAN!?

Reason #97 Why Nobody Watches SmackDown: Aksana

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm sure that many of you appreciate Aksana's... assets. But even the manliest among you can't possibly enjoy the stupid storyline that basically consists of her flustering Teddy Long backstage week after week.

Here are some examples of Teddy Bear's responses:

"Well, uuuuh, I, uhhh, didn't know you were, uh, gonna be here tonight."

"Well, I, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh..."

"You mean... you and I.... watch the battle royal together, right?"

"Well... I... Aksana... I would rather watch you! That's not what I meant. I meant I would rather watch the 20 men! ... I would rather watch it alone." Peace out.

Oh shit, what a subtle gay innuendo joke, guys. Well done.

Reason #98 Why Nobody Watches SmackDown: Promos

There are two things that make wrestling awesome: wrestling and promos. Let's see how SmackDown does on promos by taking a look at Christian's "big" announcement this week:

"I'm gonna sue the WWE."

WHAT?!? WHY?!?

"Because, you see, I have medical documents stating that Randy Orton is mentally unstable, that he has serious anger management issues. Quite simply, that means that if you force me to compete at SummerSlam in a no holds barred match, you're putting your World Heavyweight Champion in an unsafe work environment."

You make a valid point. So what're you gonna do about it?

"If you don't pull the stipulation I'm gonna file a multi-million dollar lawsuit against this company. That means I'm gonna sue you. That means I'm gonna sue your children. That means I'm gonna sue every miserable piece of crap that earns a paycheck for this company, including that idiot from talent relations, John Laurinaitis (...) In fact, I'll go one better than that. I'll sue every single fan who buys a ticket to SummerSlam. And I'll sue every single fan who watches SummerSlam live on pay-per-view. I'LL SUE EVERYBODY. I DON'T CARE."

But... but... I'm a fan that was gonna watch SummerSlam live on pay-per-view...AND I DON'T HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

HHH: "Geez I guess I have no choice but to announce that the match at SummerSlam is... on." Blah blah blah, breach of contract, blah blah blah, "I'll fire you."

OH SHIT! Good save, Mr H's. I really thought we were f*cked there for a minute. WHAT NOW BITCH?

: (

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME (...) WHY, WHY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?"

You gots to earn some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. That's why. H's out.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT. CUT THE MUSIC, I GET THE LAST WORD... Fine forget the lawsuit, I'm gonna beat Randy Orton this Sunday at SummerSlam."

Bitch, it was forgotten before you even said it. And that's why nobody watches SmackDown.

Reason #99 Why Nobody Watches Smackdown: Pants

 W...T....

...F? 

Yellow highlighted crotch. Wow.