What They Were Really Thinking: 9/5/11

When the Superstars of the WWE descended on Columbus, Ohio (the home base of the Raw Is Real team) for tonight's RAW super show, I knew there would be some extra special WTWRT moments.

CM Punk: "That hair looks so familiar.  Is that Bret Hart?!"

"Yep, we're still being called 'Air Boom', and we're contractually obligated to be happy about it."

Michael Cole says, "Great Khali is basically an indentured servant of Jinder Mahal's." 

Up in heaven, Martin Luther King Jr. thinks, "Really?  Really Michael Cole?!"

"Woah! Eve, you're the size of two Kelly Kellys."

The Miz: "Did he just say 'poop'?!"

Sheamus: "Thanks for hogging the bronzer guys!"

Fan to the right of Swagger: "...them."

Ricardo Rodriguez: "No one makes Alberto sweaty but me!"

RAWards: 8/29/11

Best Heel Face Award

Runner-ups:

WINNER:

Best Face Heel Award

Most Bone-able Face Award

Some of you may have noticed (and been disgusted by) the fact that The Miz won this RAWard two weeks ago. Unfortunately while I, C.O.O. of RiR, was on vacation these past two weeks, the RAWard decision-making duties were passed down to the vastly inferior and mentally incompetent co-C.O.O., The Miche. Even though this extremely revolting and unforgivable decision is indeed partnership-ending-worthy, I've decided to be the better (wo)man and take the most just and righteous course of action in order to remedy this situation:

I hereby revoke The Miz's 8/15/11 RAWard and hand it over to the much more worthy (and truly most bone-able) Superstar: John Cena.

Twweets of the Week

Little Jimmy of the Week

Raw Recap: 8/29/11

It's tough to pull away from "The Bachelor Pad", but we are watching Raw live tonight, no DVR. I do it all for my fans.


Opening promo:

Mr. H's starts off tonight to announce tonight's Super Raw (Yay! SmackDown stars! I hope Jinder Mahal is here!) and address Kevin Nash's fake car accident last week. He is quickly joined by CM Punk, wearing Jeff Hardy's boots, and Nash. It got started a little slow with Nash and Mr. H's working out their problems. Thankfully, we've got CM Punk in the ring, who pretty much said my thoughts exactly when he called Nash gimpy and boring. If it was me, I would have said something along the lines of him looking like he's trying out for a "Just for Men" commercial. Punk then sets his sights on Mr. H's, who he berates until he gives us a Nash vs. CM Punk match for NOC.

I can't see Nash being able to wrestle a match up to the standards CM Punk has set for his matches, so I think something will be up with that match. My guess is that is where Mr. H's finally gives us the heel turn. He is really starting to look like a bitch lately next to Punk, so it's about time he gets one over on him.


Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton

Ziggler gets off to a hot start, likely due to the Cougar necklace that his manager is wearing. Orton turns it around and actually lands a Superplex(!) on Dolph. We go back and forth a little more, until Dolph gives Randy a little Sweet Chin Music.

The match finally ends with Randy reversing a sleeper hold into a modified powerbomb followed by a RKO. That was actually a really good match. It's good to see that the stink of SmackDown hasn't affected Randy yet. Props to Dolph too. I'm actually intrigued by this Vickie Guerrero/Swagger/Ziggler storyline right now.


John Cena promo:

It's been about 40 minutes and they haven't even mentioned Cena. Thankfully, he's out next. John tells us that we should be here right now. Luckily, he's coming to Columbus next week! Has anybody ever listened to the words of Cena's entrance? Tonight's introduction ends with my favorite line of the song: "I'll brush your mouth like Colgate." That's why I love Cena. He can talk smack using personal hygiene.

Wow, Cena gets beeped and says anus in the span of two sentences. A couple of second grade teachers are going to have a rough day tomorrow. Unfortunately, Mark Henry comes out and talks about some SmackDown stuff. The fans make it even worse with the stupid "WHAT?" chant. Not sure if I am the only one on the RiR staff who feels this way, but I hate that bit. A lot of great heel promos get ruined with that stuff. Anyway, other people come out and it looks like we will get Cena and Sheamus vs. Christian and Mark Henry.

Meanwhile, backstage

We cut to John Laurinaitis who ends up getting confronted by Mr. H's. The real wild card in this whole storyline is this what Lauranitis has to do with all of this. He's mostly been in the background, but they've been mentioning him a lot more on this episode. Feels like he going to play a prominent role before it's all said and done.


The Miz vs. CM Punk

Punk's boots look a lot better with his trunks then his t-shirt, by the way. The early highlight is when Lawler tells a geography joke. Miz is mostly controlling the match until Punk gets a few moves in. To be honest, the announcers have kind of ruined this match for us, as King and Cole won't shut up. Guys, we are over you. Luckily, action picks up as R-Truth interferes and gets Miz DQ'd. Punk fends them off until Nash comes out to distract him and the beat down starts. My beef with this is why would Miz and Truth, who are complaining about conspiracies, let Nash take all the spotlight? If I were them, I'd kick Nash's ass. That will get you some attention.


Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger

Sin Cara wins with a lionsault when Dolph distracts Swagger because he is jealous of the whole Guerrero/Swagger thing going on. I have a little less faith in this whole angle now that someone in it lost to Sin Cara. Forget what I said earlier.


Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty

It's a rematch for the Tag Titles, probably because David Otunga used that rematch clause that his agent was so savvy to include. We learn that the new Bourne/Kingston tag team will be called Air Boom, as suggested by a WWE fan. Darn it, I really thought they might like my submission of Air Bore, amirite?. Anyway, unsurprisingly Bourne and Kofi take it.


Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella

The Bella twins pull the old switcharoo once again for the victory. I will be curious to see how they score that match. Brie was the legal winner, but Nikki won the match. The life of a WWE statistician is one I do not envy.


Commercial Break

As a big fan of WWE films (I went to the theatre all four days that "12 Rounds" was out), I was excited to see the trailer for their new movie "Laundromat Knights". It surprises me that they are going to try a romantic comedy with all the success they have had in action films, but this one looks like a winner. For those who didn't see the trailer, it stars Evan Bourne as a successful investment banker who falls for the local, lowly laundromat girl played by Mandy Moore. It also stars Jason Biggs as Evan's down-to-earth friend and Vladimir Koslov as the evil laundromat owner. Looking forward to that one!


John Cena and Sheamus vs. Mark Henry and Christian

The subplot of this match is that Henry gets the winner tomorrow between Orton and Christian at NOC, so maybe a double-cross is in the books. Heels get the early advantage, until Sheamus gets the hot tag to Cena who cleans house. Faces end up winning the match with the combination of a Brogue Kick and FU on Christian. Wouldn't hold my breath tomorrow for a win if I was Christian fan after that.

Ending promo:

We think that Raw ends, but they cut back to Mr. H's in the dressing room who is approached by Punk. Mr. H's lets Punk know that his match with Nash has been canceled. After Punk berates him a little more, Mr. H's informs him that he still will have a match at NOC, only against Mr. H's himself.

This confirms my earlier premonition, as there was no way Nash could wrestle a whole match. They did a good job of bypassing the Nash match without making him look weak. Overall, the set up has been pretty intriguing so far. A Punk vs. Mr. H's match has been teased recently with Punk calling him a doofus during his now famous rant, and showing up a comic-com. I think the WWE has done a great job of taking the story to its likely ending point while keeping a couple of wild cards. It will be interesting to see what Nash has to say about this next week, as well as what role, if any, he plays in their match.


Superlatives

Who got got?

John Laurinaitis gets told what's what by Trips.

Most predictable moment

A tie between The Miz and Dolph Ziggler losing. You had to know who would win as soon as those matches were announced, right?

Most awkward moment

Natalya and Beth Phoenix rant backstage about how they're not jealous of Kelly Kelly. But they're totally jealous of Kelly Kelly.

Raw Recap: 8/22/11

Opening promo

Del Rio wastes no time this week in getting to the ring. His car is worth $225,000 and is the newest in a line of more expensive rides Alberto has used since realizing his destino. We see highlights of his match against Mysterio last week. Apparently the vicious cross arm breaker Del Rio applied has left Rey’s knee devastated enough for surgery. He’ll be out for several months.

Cena rudely interrupts Del Rio’s pontification before it can begin. He reintroduces himself to the champ. Yeah, we all know who you are, John. Jesus. Dude cannot just sit backstage and watch when the belt is out there. Cena taunts Del Rio, asking: “Am I supposed to believe you own 10,000 automobiles?” Woah, watch that kayfabe!

Punk enters, asking if this is a rerun: “John Cena wants another title match. I’ve seen this one before.” Nailed it! Cena continues to mock ADR and address Punk with a strange mix familiarity and respect. John seems to want to be Punk’s bestie, now. It is lonely at the top, I guess.

But Alberto reminds us that he is the champ. Punk agrees, saying that someone behind the scenes wanted it that way, referring to Del Rio as Birdo, or possibly Berto. Not sure, but either way he believes he deserves a rematch over John. “Your championship clause exists as much as Santa Claus,” he says. Non-PG alert! There are kiddies all over the place, dude!

Mr. H’s sets things up from here: No. 1 Contenders match between Cena and Punk as tonight’s main event. Things just got real, guys.


Alberto Del Rio vs. John Morrison

A win for the champ here, but by no means was it a squash match. Things were pretty even throughout and Morrison put some good stuff over on Del Rio, including making him bleed around the eye. Are those rhinestone pants legal? Could be sharp.

In the end, Morrison attempts Starship Pain, but Albie gets out of the way. Del Rio locks in the cross arm breaker and John taps out.


Eve Torres vs. Nikki Bella

A quick match, thankfully. Eve pulls some typical booty popping, of which Lawler says he is a big fan. No kidding! Eve wins with a spinning neckbreaker.

Beth Phoenix and Natalya enter to sarcastically applaud, again. I’m eager to see Beth wrestle, but I think they’re actually doing a decent job of building suspense with this storyline. The less she wrestles the more I want to see her.


Jack Swagger vs. Alex Riley

Again!? Really? Really? REALLY?


Triple H, Kevin Nash and CM Punk promo:

H’s invites Nash out to back up his claim that the two worked out this SummerSlam text business. Nash is very concerned that Trips wants to take away his manhood. Mr. H’s is very concerned that Kevin is not on his payroll. Punk is very concerned with the contents of Stephanie McMahon’s purse.

Big Sexy attacks Punk, and H’s is forced to escort him from the ring. Despite Nash’s considerable rust on the mic (WHAT?), this storyline is intriguing, if not outright entertaining. Who is really behind these mysterious text messages? Who wants Birdo to be champ? Who did Kevin Nash’s dye job? Because you missed a spot in the back there, guy.


Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty

The announcers talk about the coming main event between Cena and Punk for the majority of this match, which is a bit disappointing because it was actually a good tag team match. We got to see a great display of pure power against high-flying acrobatics.

Evan hits the Air Bourne to finish the champs off and he and Kofi do a great job of celebrating like this is an actual goal they have been trying to accomplish for months, rather than a whim from last week. They get big pops from the crowd, probably because they at least know one of the two guys in this team.

Meanwhile, backstage

John Lauranitis informs Mr. H’s that Nash was in a car accident and Trips takes the bait immediately, leaving for the hospital. John stares longingly – or perhaps diabolically – after him. Which is weird, right?

The Miz and R-Truth promo

Not only were these two hilarious, they generated some great heat from the Canadian crowd. My words probably can’t do justice, so I really suggest you just watch it again:




CM Punk vs. John Cena

Dear guy at Raw who threw back Cena’s shirt TWICE,

You are awesome and you should feel good. Thank you for being you.

Love,
The Miche

The look on Cena’s face when he tossed it back to the same spot was great. It was like he was thinking, “Haha, good one. But I know you want my shirt for real.” NO! WE DON’T! Punk rubs salt on the wound. “They didn’t throw my shirt back,” he says after throwing his shirt to the same place.



These two consistently fight good, entertaining matches. I don’t know if anything will ever come close to the Chicago crowd, but I still love watching Cena and Punk give it their all. Punk mocks the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but his bravado goes on a bit too long and Cena counters.

Both men kick out of the other’s finisher. Cena takes a kick to the head and it looks like Punk is about to hit another GTS for the finish when Nash – not looking like he was in a serious car accident in the slightest – distracts him. What the devil is going on here?

Superlatives

Who got got?

“I believe Santino Marella just got got.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, Cole.

Most predictable moment

We all knew Kevin Nash had not been in a car accident, right? Classic misdirect.

Most awkward moment

Dolph Ziggler apparently takes a hand to Vickie Guerrero and the crowd is unsure if they should be offended or not. Obviously you should never hit a lady, but on the other hand it is Vickie Guerrero.

What They Were Really Thinking... at SummerSlam

"We both immediately regret this decision!"

"I just had my brows done!"

Dude to the left of Mark Henry: "Pleeease don't land on me!"

"First, are those Kelly Kelly's pants?! Second, friends don't let friends get this haircut."

Ref: "Man, I didn't even have to pay to see this action."

"Ohh... shiny!"

Raw Recap: 8/15/11

Opening promo:

The Game apologizes for totally botching the shit out of that match he officiated at SummerSlam the night before. He cops to his mistake and declares his intention to look Cena in the eye and apologize. I assumed he meant to do this in the ring, but we see him enter Johnny’s room backstage later. I mean, seriously? We have to watch people sign contracts practically once a month, but Mr. H’s begging John Cena for forgiveness is too private for the rest of the WWE Universe?

Trips also claims that his bestest bestie for life Kevin Nash acted alone, much like Lee Harvey Oswald. To quote R-Truth, I think there’s a C-O-N-spiracy afoot. Stephanie McMahon sure is… around. What might that be about?

Alberto Del Rio promo:

ADR enters as the official undisputed WWE champion. The man is just glowing now that he has finally realized his destino. And he wants to be everything a true WWE champ should be. He will be in the lobby to sign autographs and take pictures with the kiddies, he says. He is generating some serious heat from all these Rey Mysterio disciples.

Albie knows he will face his first title defense later against Rey, and he is quite pleased about it. “Everytime I wake up in the morning, I ask myself: Alberto Del Rio, what do you feel like doing today? I feel like beating Rey Mysterio.” Don’t we all?

John Morrison vs. R-Truth:

Falls count anywhere in this match, which was apparently requested by JoMo. Michael Cole says he’s been waiting a long time to fight Truth. It has been a rather long week, I guess.

The match is action-packed from the beginning. Morrison is a fantastic seller. Half the time when he flops down onto the floor like a dead fish, I am really worrying about his position on my fantasy roster. JoMo wins by throwing himself into Truth on an announcer’s chair. The headrest looked pretty soft to me, but I guess this is devastating for Truth and Morrison covers easily.

The Miz promo:

My boy is out in the ring, looking dapper and selling some God damn Subway sandwiches. Jared “McLovin” Fogel pretends he is not a fan of the Awesome One, but I’m not fooled. The Miz sells the shit out of that sub, crushing it in his powerful fists. Millions of people probably had to pause their DVRs and run out to get some Subway because the cravings were so strong. I know I did.

Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres vs. The Bella Twins

Whatever. My eyes glazed over until my girl Beth and her platonic life partner Natalya arrived to sarcastically clap at Kelly Kelly.

Kevin Nash promo:

Nash implies – though never outright states – that he received a text from Trips asking him to stick the winner of the SummerSlam title match. Kevin’s loyalty is only surpassed by how gross his beard is, so he was happy to oblige. It’s just business, Nash says. So, loyalty to friends = business? OK, let’s just roll with it.

Punk interrupts with his incredulousness. Either Nash or Mr. H’s must be lying. I’m concerned about Punk’s cognitive abilities if he literally can’t think of a third scenario. He declines Nash’s offer to see the text on his phone and instead reads one from his sister: “OMG. Kevin Nash. WTF. Thought he was dead. LOL.” Oh, snap!

These two trade insults for some time, during which Punk shows off his superior mic abilities. Eventually, Punk tires of talking and attempts to settle things in the ring (for once) and suddenly there is security all up in this bitch. Punk runs away to find Mr. H’s and whine about how Kevin isn’t playing fair. Man, there is a lot of tension between these two all of a sudden!

Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger:

We return from commercial break to an invasion of Vickler at the announcers’ table. Dolph keeps making not-so-vague references to Vickie’s interference in his match against A-Ry last week. Lawler makes about five fat jokes about a woman who is not fat and is certainly in better shape than him. The WWE, ladies and gentlemen!

The annoying sniping from the announcers distracts from a boring and technically bad match, to be honest. Vickie ends up stealing JR’s hat and somehow distracts the official with it, scoring a win for Swags. Jack catches up with Vickie backstage to recommend she expand her client base. Really, Vickie? You can do better.

David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty vs. Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston:

I’m not going to lie to my possibly half a dozen faithful readers: I left the room to get a piece of cake during this match. It was leftover birthday cake and it was f***ing delicious. When I returned, Kofi and Evan had won and were gesturing to invisible belts as if issuing a challenge. It seems like a well-suited team to me and hopefully Kofi and Mickey Mouse will present a legit and interesting challenge to the tag team champs.

Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio:

This is as exciting a match as any that include Mysterio. That is to say, not very. Rey tries to pull a 619, but Alberto counters with his knees and rolls him up for a three count. Albie is so enthusiastic about his first title defense that he decides to beat up Mysterio after the bell.

John Cena, of course, is having none of it. He saves Lil’ Rey, then rants about Del Rio’s cowardice in cashing in his MITB on a destroyed Punk. Apparently, Cena has never heard of Money in the Bank before. Del Rio and Rodriguez mock him with what can only be described as “scaredy fingers” as they back out with the belt.

So, the foundations are in place for Cena and Del Rio to fued over the title (because John Cena couldn’t possibly be a part of a storyline that did not include the championship). Meanwhile, Punk will forget about his deep-seated hatred of everything Cena stands for and fued for a while with Kevin Nash over text messages like high school girls. Got this all tied up with a bow, don’t you Mr. H’s?

Superlatives:

Who got got?
Jared the Subway Guy, who was rendered speechless by the theft of his sandwich and This Miz's superior abilities as a spokesman.

Most predictable moment:
Rey Mysterio jobbing to Alberto Del Rio. All Mysterio does these days is touch foreheads with kids and job to the title.

Most awkward moment:
It takes a shameful three attempts for Jack Swagger to hit a gutwrench suplex on Alex Riley, as he hangs there like dead weight.