Raw Recap: 8/29/11

It's tough to pull away from "The Bachelor Pad", but we are watching Raw live tonight, no DVR. I do it all for my fans.


Opening promo:

Mr. H's starts off tonight to announce tonight's Super Raw (Yay! SmackDown stars! I hope Jinder Mahal is here!) and address Kevin Nash's fake car accident last week. He is quickly joined by CM Punk, wearing Jeff Hardy's boots, and Nash. It got started a little slow with Nash and Mr. H's working out their problems. Thankfully, we've got CM Punk in the ring, who pretty much said my thoughts exactly when he called Nash gimpy and boring. If it was me, I would have said something along the lines of him looking like he's trying out for a "Just for Men" commercial. Punk then sets his sights on Mr. H's, who he berates until he gives us a Nash vs. CM Punk match for NOC.

I can't see Nash being able to wrestle a match up to the standards CM Punk has set for his matches, so I think something will be up with that match. My guess is that is where Mr. H's finally gives us the heel turn. He is really starting to look like a bitch lately next to Punk, so it's about time he gets one over on him.


Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton

Ziggler gets off to a hot start, likely due to the Cougar necklace that his manager is wearing. Orton turns it around and actually lands a Superplex(!) on Dolph. We go back and forth a little more, until Dolph gives Randy a little Sweet Chin Music.

The match finally ends with Randy reversing a sleeper hold into a modified powerbomb followed by a RKO. That was actually a really good match. It's good to see that the stink of SmackDown hasn't affected Randy yet. Props to Dolph too. I'm actually intrigued by this Vickie Guerrero/Swagger/Ziggler storyline right now.


John Cena promo:

It's been about 40 minutes and they haven't even mentioned Cena. Thankfully, he's out next. John tells us that we should be here right now. Luckily, he's coming to Columbus next week! Has anybody ever listened to the words of Cena's entrance? Tonight's introduction ends with my favorite line of the song: "I'll brush your mouth like Colgate." That's why I love Cena. He can talk smack using personal hygiene.

Wow, Cena gets beeped and says anus in the span of two sentences. A couple of second grade teachers are going to have a rough day tomorrow. Unfortunately, Mark Henry comes out and talks about some SmackDown stuff. The fans make it even worse with the stupid "WHAT?" chant. Not sure if I am the only one on the RiR staff who feels this way, but I hate that bit. A lot of great heel promos get ruined with that stuff. Anyway, other people come out and it looks like we will get Cena and Sheamus vs. Christian and Mark Henry.

Meanwhile, backstage

We cut to John Laurinaitis who ends up getting confronted by Mr. H's. The real wild card in this whole storyline is this what Lauranitis has to do with all of this. He's mostly been in the background, but they've been mentioning him a lot more on this episode. Feels like he going to play a prominent role before it's all said and done.


The Miz vs. CM Punk

Punk's boots look a lot better with his trunks then his t-shirt, by the way. The early highlight is when Lawler tells a geography joke. Miz is mostly controlling the match until Punk gets a few moves in. To be honest, the announcers have kind of ruined this match for us, as King and Cole won't shut up. Guys, we are over you. Luckily, action picks up as R-Truth interferes and gets Miz DQ'd. Punk fends them off until Nash comes out to distract him and the beat down starts. My beef with this is why would Miz and Truth, who are complaining about conspiracies, let Nash take all the spotlight? If I were them, I'd kick Nash's ass. That will get you some attention.


Sin Cara vs. Jack Swagger

Sin Cara wins with a lionsault when Dolph distracts Swagger because he is jealous of the whole Guerrero/Swagger thing going on. I have a little less faith in this whole angle now that someone in it lost to Sin Cara. Forget what I said earlier.


Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty

It's a rematch for the Tag Titles, probably because David Otunga used that rematch clause that his agent was so savvy to include. We learn that the new Bourne/Kingston tag team will be called Air Boom, as suggested by a WWE fan. Darn it, I really thought they might like my submission of Air Bore, amirite?. Anyway, unsurprisingly Bourne and Kofi take it.


Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella

The Bella twins pull the old switcharoo once again for the victory. I will be curious to see how they score that match. Brie was the legal winner, but Nikki won the match. The life of a WWE statistician is one I do not envy.


Commercial Break

As a big fan of WWE films (I went to the theatre all four days that "12 Rounds" was out), I was excited to see the trailer for their new movie "Laundromat Knights". It surprises me that they are going to try a romantic comedy with all the success they have had in action films, but this one looks like a winner. For those who didn't see the trailer, it stars Evan Bourne as a successful investment banker who falls for the local, lowly laundromat girl played by Mandy Moore. It also stars Jason Biggs as Evan's down-to-earth friend and Vladimir Koslov as the evil laundromat owner. Looking forward to that one!


John Cena and Sheamus vs. Mark Henry and Christian

The subplot of this match is that Henry gets the winner tomorrow between Orton and Christian at NOC, so maybe a double-cross is in the books. Heels get the early advantage, until Sheamus gets the hot tag to Cena who cleans house. Faces end up winning the match with the combination of a Brogue Kick and FU on Christian. Wouldn't hold my breath tomorrow for a win if I was Christian fan after that.

Ending promo:

We think that Raw ends, but they cut back to Mr. H's in the dressing room who is approached by Punk. Mr. H's lets Punk know that his match with Nash has been canceled. After Punk berates him a little more, Mr. H's informs him that he still will have a match at NOC, only against Mr. H's himself.

This confirms my earlier premonition, as there was no way Nash could wrestle a whole match. They did a good job of bypassing the Nash match without making him look weak. Overall, the set up has been pretty intriguing so far. A Punk vs. Mr. H's match has been teased recently with Punk calling him a doofus during his now famous rant, and showing up a comic-com. I think the WWE has done a great job of taking the story to its likely ending point while keeping a couple of wild cards. It will be interesting to see what Nash has to say about this next week, as well as what role, if any, he plays in their match.


Superlatives

Who got got?

John Laurinaitis gets told what's what by Trips.

Most predictable moment

A tie between The Miz and Dolph Ziggler losing. You had to know who would win as soon as those matches were announced, right?

Most awkward moment

Natalya and Beth Phoenix rant backstage about how they're not jealous of Kelly Kelly. But they're totally jealous of Kelly Kelly.

Raw Recap: 8/1/11

It's the first Raw Rundown! Cue the classy piano music and slow motion recaps of MITB. Cut to Rey Mysterio jobbing the WWE Title to John Cena. The only way Rey could have lost that title faster was to get in a DeLorean, travel 88 mph and lose it to John Cena before he won it. Anyway, enter CM Punk with his new theme music and you have the intro to Raw. For the first time we have two "legitimate" WWE Champions. At least that's what Cole says. I'm pretty sure they had two people holding the same title before, but I digress. All I know is that the only way this can be resolved is to strip one of these men of their title. There is no possible way there will be a unification match at Summerslam.

Back to Punk. He is getting pretty big pops from the crowd. In his interview with Bill Simmons, Punk says he won't be typecast into a "face" or "heel" role. He will just be Punk. Well, Punk shoots a promo and says he's coming back to make this fun again. He laments that in his two-week absence, the WWE has already reverted to the 'status quo' with John Cena winning the WWE Title. For far too long, the WWE Universe has been fed scraps. Punk will be our savior. He calls out a little jimmy in the crowd and makes fun of his replica belt. Punk doesn't have a belt. He has a Championship Title. He actually calls it the most important title in the world. I don't know if that's true, but sure - I'll bite.

Triple H, hereafter called Mr. H's, blasts his music and makes his way to the ring. Punk is trying to talk over the music, which is humorous. He eventually gives up. "Apparently, it's time to play the game," he says. Punk later makes fun of Mr. H's entrance song by saying something to the effect of "I like Motorhead as much as the next guy, but...".

These two battle it out on the mic for a good 10 minutes. H's thinks Punk is overrated and has a big ego. Punk says they are alike in that respect. He goes on to flip Mr. H's tie in his face while saying "What? Are you gonna punch me? Or do you have to go ask your wife first?" Triple H is trying extremely hard to not crack up, but you can see a very distinct smile on his face. Stop breaking Kayfabe Hunter!

People think Mr. H's is great at cutting promos, but I think he's a bit rusty. He literally called Punk a "skinny, fat ass". Just last week he used the phrase "quite frankly" four times in the span of a two-minute promo. I apologize for the aside. Back to RAW!

My girl Kelly Kelly, Kay-Two, K-squared, is at ringside to watch the hotly anticipated Diva's Battle Royale. The winner will become the next #1 Contender. JR asks K2 who she has her eye on. K2 says she thinks it's Beth's time. God damn spoiler alert Kelly Kelly! Jesus Christ... Well, whatever. Nobody's listening so it probably won't be a big deal. Lawler chimes in to let us know he's got his eyes on Kelly Kelly. Yah, we know.

Divas are literally rolling out of the ring without any form of contact. Gail Kim will not job to the likes of Alicia Fox, so instead of participating she just rolls out of the ring unnoticed. Check her twitter for up-to-date drama. She's over 30, and with this stunt I wouldn't be surprised if she is wished well in her future endeavors.

I'm already in paragraph three for a divas match so I must be doing it wrong. It ends up being Beth Phoenix vs. the Bella Twins. She is a glamazon after all and, if you didn't know, that means a hot amazon or something. So she's strong. Strong enough to lift both Bella twins up on her shoulders and toss them out of the ring to become the new #1 Contender. My girl K2 is sooooo happy for her and goes to give her a hug. HEEL TURN ALERT. She throws K2 out of the ring then just tosses her into the barricade. What a bitch.

My boy Miz and R-Truth are in the back talking conspiracies. They are tag partners for tonight vs. Rey Mysterio and John Morrison. This is actually a really good match. A lot of kickouts, counters, and false finishes. It ends with Truth on the ropes from a Morrison kick to the head. Mysterio is about to go for the six-one-nine. BUT MIZ PULLS HIS LEGS FROM UNDER HIM AND THROWS HIM OUT OF THE RING. Guess it was a dropped call from the 619 area code. Morrison takes out Miz but Truth is still the legal man. Morrison turns around and Truth does his finisher, whatever it's called. ONE! TWO! THREE! Miz gives Morrison a Skull Crushing Finale for good measure, and Truth hits him upside the head with a water bottle. Good. F*** that guy.

Ziggler and Vickie come out to huge heat. Dolph lets us know he's more of a man than any of us. Considering the average WWE fan, that's probably true and I won't refute it. Alex Riley comes out and ruins the party. Cole puts it perfectly: "Go Away." Dolph says things like, "Who are you?" and "I don't even know who you are," like 20 times while A-Ry is ranting. A-Ry challenges Dolph to a fight, but Ziggler is above wrestling no-name talents and just exits the ring.

Commercial break, then enter Alberto Del Rio. He comes out in a classic Rolls Royce. I think we need a segment on the estimated value of his car. It could be a fun poll. Anyways, this one is worth over $100,000, making it one of the more expensive cars he's driven as of late. We are treated to his white waterfall pyro, of which I am a huge fan. For some Godforsaken reason he is wrestling Evan Bourne (who weighs less than I do, by the way). It's your standard squash match. Rio puts him in the arm bar and makes him tap. Then, he celebrates for a bit and puts him in another one for good measure. Kofi comes out to save the day, but nobody cares but Mickey Mouse aka Evan Bourne himself.

Some kind of poll was advertised where you go to vote for the true champ at WWE.com. Can you believe that 54 percent of the WWE Universe thinks Cena is the true champ? Are they f***ing delusional? Did they ask their parents' permission to use the computer first? In no logical world is John Cena the true champion, but I digress.

Just in case you didn't catch it, not a single face won a match. I haven't been watching Raw that long, but that seems pretty rare.

Final promo of the night is about to begin. Hampton from Tiny Toons enters. Oh, I mean John Cena. Hamming it up, as usual. He rolls up to shoot a three-pointer and references Larry Bird. Wow, way to go for cheap pops while you're in Indianapolis, dude! Eventually the big three are in the ring talking about what will happen with the WWE Title(s). I shit you not, but Mr. H's suggests A MATCH AT SUMMERSLAM TO UNIFY THE TITLES. TALK ABOUT A CURVE BALL! If you recall from my first paragraph, I could have sworn Mr. H's would have just stripped the title from one of them.

The show ends with Punk and Cena holding their respective titles up and having an awkward theme song battle. I hope the sound guys got paid extra for that crap.