What They Were Really Thinking: 9/26/2011

Divas of Doom - "900,234... 900,235...900,236..."

Everyone: "Really?! We really have to do this?  At least there are two Sin Caras to assault."

"No one can cage my destiny! ... or my scarf."

SummerSlam Preview: Potential Mid-Card Matches

We're less than a week from SummerSlam! To get us all in the PPV spirit, we're previewing the coming matches and recapping the story lines leading up to the big event.

Over the past few days we’ve had a look at the official SummerSlam card with a preview of the Diva’s Championship match, the WWE Championship match and the SmackDown match ups.

So far, that’s the whole card and word on the information superhighway is that the card will remain short officially. Whether that means we’ll only see four long matches or we'll see some filler pop up unannounced is yet to be seen. Thinking about sitting through 30 minutes of a Mark Henry match is sucking all the joy out of my soul, so I’ll admit I’m hoping to see some more talent show up in L.A. on Sunday. Here’s a peek at the possibilities.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston

We’ve already seen some matches between these two. I’m always glad to watch the high-flying abilities of Kofi (though I’m less enthused to strain my eyes on the color of his shirt), and Del Rio’s antics never fail to amuse me. They played this feud up by having Kofi rescue Mickey Mouse from Señor Dinero en el Banco two weeks ago. Still, Mr. Boom Boom Boom is the quintessential jobber and I think we’re all hoping for some more unpredictability at SS.

Del Rio cashes in MITB

SummerSlam could - finally - be where Albie realizes his destino by cashing in on an exhausted Cena or Punk. The Mexican aristocrat can only cowardly flee so many times before it gets old, right?

The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio

The creative team has been working this angle for a few weeks: having these two meet at the end of the title tournament and then on opposing ends of a tag team match. A few days ago, The Miz smashed Rey’s face into the base of that WWE logo statue thing (preventing him from fervently pressing his forehead against the faces of any children this week). It sure looked like Mysterio might have been seriously injured - wink wink, nudge nudge - so this match up might be out.

I would not be surprised to see The Miz pop up somewhere, especially after his bitchy whining on Monday. Besides, dude is everywhere right now.

John Morrison vs. R-Truth

Morrison returned from injury faster than was expected and it would be a shame not to explore the simmering hatred between him and Crazy Eyes. After turning on his best pal in April, Truth had to wait to get to getting Morrison got. But the two wrestled a singles match just this week - and a mostly bland one at that. Was it a mediocre preview for SummerSlam or a morsel to keep us interested while the two ride the pine on Sunday?

Dolph Zigger vs. Alex Riley

A potential match up from Mr. Perfection (not to be confused with Mr. Perfect) and Mr. Perfectly Boring seems most likely, in my opinion. Unlike the other angles, these two haven’t actually managed to wrestle without interference or cowardly retreats, yet. I have zero interest in watching Ry-Ry climb the ranks, but I’d be happy to see Ziggy Pop shut him up. With his fists.

Raw Recap: 8/8/11

Opening promo:

This was fairly boring. Trips sells the champion vs champion match for SummerSlam. I was too busy looking at the troll face sign behind him, so I totally missed him say he will be officiating the match. This adds an interesting element. I don't understand why he would officiate if he wasn't going to interfere in some way. It adds a bit of unpredictability to the match and I feel the WWE has done well in that respect.

 

Mr. H's says Punk and Cena will be having squash matches tonight. Cena will wrestle next.


John Cena vs. Jack Swagger

Cena comes out first and then they cut to commercial. By the time the commercial break ends, the poor fans in the arena have been listening to Cena's shitty intro music for about 10 minutes. Imagine running a mile with "ba na na naaaaah" on repeat. Are you imagining it? Heinous, right?

We still don't know who Cena's opponent is, but finally the All American American comes out. He doesn't do his push ups, so you know he's going to lose. He's flustered. He does do his airplane run around the ring, though. Swagger botches half a dozen moves before Cena wins with the Five Moves of Doom.

Alberto Del Rio promo:

He speaks some Spanish and calls Punk the voice of the Godless. Or gutless. I couldn't really tell. Either way gets his point across, I guess. He's going to be facing Punk later in the night. Is it Thanksgiving? Because there appear to be plentiful helpings of squash.


R-Truth promo:

Dude is crazy. Josh Josherston starts the interview by asking Truth why he would hurt his friend John Morrison (...four months after the fact). Truth proceeds to not answer the question, instead asking several of his own. It's established that there may or may not be 10 hot dogs per package. Josh doesn't say anything else. If you're counting fantasy points, that's five right there for a perfect promo!

Rey Mysterio gets his ass beat:

Mysterio comes out and only gets through half of his pyrotechnics before Miz enters and just brutally beats the shit out of him. Like, to the point where I thought it was a little real. Cole then goes to interview Miz and Miz cuts an intense promo. Well, it was intense until he mentioned the reason he should be noticed is because he is trending worldwide on twitter and he presented at the Teen Choice Awards. High accolades, Miz. After the dust clears, Mr. H's makes Miz face Kofi Kingston - to the excitement of nobody.

The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston:

This is a really good match. Kofi got to hit some high flying spots, while Miz was selling his frustration in the ring. In the end, Miz counters one of Kofi's moves, dazes him by throwing him onto the top rope, and hits a Skull Crushing Finale for the win. Despite the impressive victory, as of this moment Miz is still not on the SummerSlam card. (Del Rio, Ziggler, Truth, et al. are probably thinking he can join the club.)


CM Punk promo:

Calls out Trips for having a huge ego. Then says he's going to kick Alberto Del Rio's teeth down his throat. Short and succulent.


CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio:

Del Rio comes out in a 2010 Audi RA 430 HP worth $130,000. King then says the contract in Rio's MITB briefcase is worth a lot more. Um, probably not true. The match itself is pretty short. Del Rio works on Punk's arm for the better part of the match, but Punk eventually wins with the Go To Sleep. Punk sells the arm injury by brushing the ref aside as he tries to raise Punk's arm up.


Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres

Want another helping of squash? Your plate looks empty. (This portion comes with plenty of headband!) Beth wins in pretty convincing fashion with the Glam Slam. Beth is sick of the divas making a mockery of the division: "No more booty popping, no more splits, no more stink faces." King replies, "Takes out about 90 percent of the the fun of the divas division to me." Amen.

Kelly Kelly enters unnoticed and takes out Beth Phoenix from behind. What a buildup for SummerSlam!

Dolph Ziggler vs. Alex Riley

Vintage A-Ry promo. "Vickie, I don't want to say you have bad breath or anything, but it smells like death itself just took a dump in your mouth." So he doesn't want to say she has bad breath, but he does it anyway? What a douche.

Match ends up getting thrown out when Vickie interferes. Ziggler and Vickie get in a fight and then she walks off without him, screeching like a disgruntled weasel.

Twix: Twix it up with Twix!

Brought to you by Twix. Sometimes your day is just a Twixer-upper.... Twix it up with Twix!


R-Truth vs. John Morrison

Another pretty good match. JoMo hits his usual spots. Truth hits some vicious moves, as well. In the end, Truth wins with his finisher. I still don't know what it's called.


CM Punk and John Cena contract signing:

Just another epic promo from these two men. Mr. H's and John Laurinaitis are out here, too, but they really don't say much. And The Rock makes a surprise appearance! I don't want to sell this promo short so please watch it. It's well worth the time. It starts at the end of the first video.








Superlatives:

Who got got?
John Laurinaitis gets Mau Tai kicked in the head.

Most predictable moment:
All three squash matches involving Punk, Cena, and Beth Phoenix.

Most awkward moment:
Beth Phoenix was teasing a nip slip for the better part of her match.

Raw Recap: 8/1/11

It's the first Raw Rundown! Cue the classy piano music and slow motion recaps of MITB. Cut to Rey Mysterio jobbing the WWE Title to John Cena. The only way Rey could have lost that title faster was to get in a DeLorean, travel 88 mph and lose it to John Cena before he won it. Anyway, enter CM Punk with his new theme music and you have the intro to Raw. For the first time we have two "legitimate" WWE Champions. At least that's what Cole says. I'm pretty sure they had two people holding the same title before, but I digress. All I know is that the only way this can be resolved is to strip one of these men of their title. There is no possible way there will be a unification match at Summerslam.

Back to Punk. He is getting pretty big pops from the crowd. In his interview with Bill Simmons, Punk says he won't be typecast into a "face" or "heel" role. He will just be Punk. Well, Punk shoots a promo and says he's coming back to make this fun again. He laments that in his two-week absence, the WWE has already reverted to the 'status quo' with John Cena winning the WWE Title. For far too long, the WWE Universe has been fed scraps. Punk will be our savior. He calls out a little jimmy in the crowd and makes fun of his replica belt. Punk doesn't have a belt. He has a Championship Title. He actually calls it the most important title in the world. I don't know if that's true, but sure - I'll bite.

Triple H, hereafter called Mr. H's, blasts his music and makes his way to the ring. Punk is trying to talk over the music, which is humorous. He eventually gives up. "Apparently, it's time to play the game," he says. Punk later makes fun of Mr. H's entrance song by saying something to the effect of "I like Motorhead as much as the next guy, but...".

These two battle it out on the mic for a good 10 minutes. H's thinks Punk is overrated and has a big ego. Punk says they are alike in that respect. He goes on to flip Mr. H's tie in his face while saying "What? Are you gonna punch me? Or do you have to go ask your wife first?" Triple H is trying extremely hard to not crack up, but you can see a very distinct smile on his face. Stop breaking Kayfabe Hunter!

People think Mr. H's is great at cutting promos, but I think he's a bit rusty. He literally called Punk a "skinny, fat ass". Just last week he used the phrase "quite frankly" four times in the span of a two-minute promo. I apologize for the aside. Back to RAW!

My girl Kelly Kelly, Kay-Two, K-squared, is at ringside to watch the hotly anticipated Diva's Battle Royale. The winner will become the next #1 Contender. JR asks K2 who she has her eye on. K2 says she thinks it's Beth's time. God damn spoiler alert Kelly Kelly! Jesus Christ... Well, whatever. Nobody's listening so it probably won't be a big deal. Lawler chimes in to let us know he's got his eyes on Kelly Kelly. Yah, we know.

Divas are literally rolling out of the ring without any form of contact. Gail Kim will not job to the likes of Alicia Fox, so instead of participating she just rolls out of the ring unnoticed. Check her twitter for up-to-date drama. She's over 30, and with this stunt I wouldn't be surprised if she is wished well in her future endeavors.

I'm already in paragraph three for a divas match so I must be doing it wrong. It ends up being Beth Phoenix vs. the Bella Twins. She is a glamazon after all and, if you didn't know, that means a hot amazon or something. So she's strong. Strong enough to lift both Bella twins up on her shoulders and toss them out of the ring to become the new #1 Contender. My girl K2 is sooooo happy for her and goes to give her a hug. HEEL TURN ALERT. She throws K2 out of the ring then just tosses her into the barricade. What a bitch.

My boy Miz and R-Truth are in the back talking conspiracies. They are tag partners for tonight vs. Rey Mysterio and John Morrison. This is actually a really good match. A lot of kickouts, counters, and false finishes. It ends with Truth on the ropes from a Morrison kick to the head. Mysterio is about to go for the six-one-nine. BUT MIZ PULLS HIS LEGS FROM UNDER HIM AND THROWS HIM OUT OF THE RING. Guess it was a dropped call from the 619 area code. Morrison takes out Miz but Truth is still the legal man. Morrison turns around and Truth does his finisher, whatever it's called. ONE! TWO! THREE! Miz gives Morrison a Skull Crushing Finale for good measure, and Truth hits him upside the head with a water bottle. Good. F*** that guy.

Ziggler and Vickie come out to huge heat. Dolph lets us know he's more of a man than any of us. Considering the average WWE fan, that's probably true and I won't refute it. Alex Riley comes out and ruins the party. Cole puts it perfectly: "Go Away." Dolph says things like, "Who are you?" and "I don't even know who you are," like 20 times while A-Ry is ranting. A-Ry challenges Dolph to a fight, but Ziggler is above wrestling no-name talents and just exits the ring.

Commercial break, then enter Alberto Del Rio. He comes out in a classic Rolls Royce. I think we need a segment on the estimated value of his car. It could be a fun poll. Anyways, this one is worth over $100,000, making it one of the more expensive cars he's driven as of late. We are treated to his white waterfall pyro, of which I am a huge fan. For some Godforsaken reason he is wrestling Evan Bourne (who weighs less than I do, by the way). It's your standard squash match. Rio puts him in the arm bar and makes him tap. Then, he celebrates for a bit and puts him in another one for good measure. Kofi comes out to save the day, but nobody cares but Mickey Mouse aka Evan Bourne himself.

Some kind of poll was advertised where you go to vote for the true champ at WWE.com. Can you believe that 54 percent of the WWE Universe thinks Cena is the true champ? Are they f***ing delusional? Did they ask their parents' permission to use the computer first? In no logical world is John Cena the true champion, but I digress.

Just in case you didn't catch it, not a single face won a match. I haven't been watching Raw that long, but that seems pretty rare.

Final promo of the night is about to begin. Hampton from Tiny Toons enters. Oh, I mean John Cena. Hamming it up, as usual. He rolls up to shoot a three-pointer and references Larry Bird. Wow, way to go for cheap pops while you're in Indianapolis, dude! Eventually the big three are in the ring talking about what will happen with the WWE Title(s). I shit you not, but Mr. H's suggests A MATCH AT SUMMERSLAM TO UNIFY THE TITLES. TALK ABOUT A CURVE BALL! If you recall from my first paragraph, I could have sworn Mr. H's would have just stripped the title from one of them.

The show ends with Punk and Cena holding their respective titles up and having an awkward theme song battle. I hope the sound guys got paid extra for that crap.