Opening promo:
Raw comes to us from Cleveland, Ohio, which makes the hearts of half of the Raw Is Real staff go pitter-patter (we're from northeastern Ohio). Unfortunately, being in Cleveland makes CM Punk's heart just hurt. We open the show with a clearly saddened Punk talking about how performing in the city of Cleveland hasn't ever been easy for or good to him. In fact, he tells a little story about Bob Holly having punched him so hard in the face once in this building that he still has a dead spot in his field of vision. Perhaps that's why he didn't see Kevin Nash coming at Night of Champions - despite the fact that everyone in the WWE Universe did.
What matters most about what Punk is saying is that his pride is hurting, mostly because he now knows that Mr. H's wasn't really involved in the plot to contain his pipe bombs. Kudos to Punk for the facial expression he sports as that Motorhead music comes blaring from the speakers while he's mid-sentence.
Out comes HHH still in his suit and tie, as he is still the COO - as Michael Cole points out. HHH goes through a lot of the same things he's been saying for a while, but adds that he respects Punk. He gives a long "who's on first-esque" speech about how no one really believes that he sent a text to Kevin Nash - during any show, live or PPV. Apparently he also thinks that Punk has a thick head. Maybe that goes with the "skinny, fat ass". He extends an olive branch in the form of a match by putting the Second City Savior into a three-way dance at Hell in a Cell for the WWE Championship. Awww... they like each other, now.
Punk clarifies that he thinks someone higher up in the WWE is using the fact that Punk and HHH don't like one another to play the both of them. Punk says that the conspiracy involves someone higher up on the ladder, to which the fat guy in the front row starts to chant "Shane McMahon". Points to Punk for rolling his eyes at the guy and mouthing, "No".
The love fest and poor use of grammar is short-lived, as Johnny Laurinaitis appears. Surprise! Surprise! John doesn't believe anything Punk says. Punk makes it clear that Johnny Boy clearly wanted to be the COO with his "little stooge corporate eyes". How romantic... now Punk is defending HHH's honor. Laurenitis clarifies that his job is to look out for the welfare of the talent, and that he has no aspirations to be the COO. Is THAT who we have to thank for the superstars not having health insurance?
Everyone clarifies to whom they report, and a round of "you're fired," "no, you're not fired" happens. HHH promises to figure out who is swerving who by the end of the night, and uses the word "fired" for the 10,000th time in five minutes (as in someone is going to get fired before the show is over).
Air Boom, Sheamus and Justin Gabriel v. McGillicutty, Otunga, Christian and Wade Barrett
This match is really only valuable for the commentary. Lawler gets in quite a few comments about "boring" McGillicutty, while Cole makes sure to mention (as he does every week) that Barrett is a former bare-knuckle champion. Christian slaps little Evan Bourne in the face, which just isn't cool. After Bourne responds with a knee to Christian's face, Lawler has another gem with: "Christian may be sucking soup through a spoon" after that move. Soon enough, Sheamus enters the match and JR says, "Sheamus enters the ring like a wild Irish bull." Are there bulls in Ireland?
Now. we're on to the standard 6-man tag rules - everyone tries their own finishing maneuver one right after the other. Otunga gets the worst of it, suffering a stiff kick to the face, followed by the Celtic Cross. Interesting note: Otunga is heavier than most of the people Sheamus drills with the Celtic Cross, and Sheamus clearly shows on his face just how hard it is to lift the A-List over his head. In the end, the team of Sheabriairboom wins the match.
Meanwhile...
Cut to HHH talking to "Chad the Referee" about how the refs are nervous that Awesome Truth are dangerous. HHH says he'll take care of it. Not before being confronted by Albie, who is all kinds of upset about the three-way dance at Hell in a Cell. Del Rio won't leave before saying how he prays that Mr. McMahon comes back to run the WWE. Laughs ensue.
Alberto Del Rio v. John Morrison
After losing his title at NOC, Albie arrives to his match in a Porsche valued $200,000 less than the car Cena jacked from him. Apparently not being the champion has already taken a toll on Del Rio's bank account. Morrison, on the other hand, still makes enough dough to maintain his slow motion abs. Del Rio is unimpressed and gives a very Chris Jericho like stink face. Wasting no time, Albie dispatches his trusty arm breaker and Morrison has to tap out.
Promo for Hell in a Cell. Like NOC, it is sponsored by Light Strike, which means more commercials starring Rey Mysterio.
Hugh Jackman and Dolph Ziggler promo
Then, Hugh Jackman comes out. He's handsome, so it's okay that he looks like a kid in a candy store as he runs the ropes. ~Insert movie promo here~
Hugh is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero. Michael Cole has the best line: "The cougar meets the wolverine." LOL. She gets creepy, and Hugh looks nauseous. Dolph then takes the mic, confusing Jackman with Christian Bale. Blah blah blah by Jackman. He also manages to compare Jackman to Mason Ryan.
Then comes a reference to Cleveland being all about the underdog. "We all know that underdog is another word for loser," he says. Jackman won't take that and promises to go in the back to find the biggest underdog imaginable, who he can then help to beat Ziggler. Hugh Jackman pulls a total "fan move" and takes a "Ziggler > Wolverine" sign from a fan as if to confirm that he will indeed be in the corner of the Internet Champion.
The Miz and R-Truth promo
Miz and Truth arrive in a 1990's Jeep Cheroke. They apologize to John Laurinaitis for putting him in an uncomfortable position.
Sin Cara v. Cody Rhodes
Next comes Sin Cara - is it the real one or the fake one? Everyone at Raw Is Real is happy to see that the WWE picked up on our various water cooler conversations about how it's so obvious that they're two different men. Cody Rhodes comes out, followed by the
other Sin Cara. Now it's on! Both Sin Caras pull the same moves on their counterpart one after another.l Uno Sin Cara gets drop kicked out of the ring, and the "match" is over. Where did Cody Rhodes go!?
Meanwhile...
HHH drinks his coffee while Awesome Truth apologize for putting their hands on a referee and for interfering in Mr. H's match. Truth even apologizes to all of the Little Jimmies. I mean, Truth calls the man "Trips". Does he want a job with Raw Is Real? The Miz has extremely red eyes - so he's clearly been crying about this for hours. "Trips" accepts their apology. He fines each man $250,000 for touching an official. He then makes a match with the two budding rap stars to face Punk and Cena.
Mark Henry promo
JR informs the audience that Randy Orton has asked for his World Championship rematch at Hell in a Cell. Then, the interview is on - Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, carrying his title belt (since it clearly won't fit around his massive waist). He promises not to forgive JR, and the rest of the people who never supported him or believed in him. He wants JR to apologize on behalf of all of the WWE universe and then for himself. He says that JR once told Vince McMahon to fire him because he was "injury prone and an over achiever". It's the most I've ever heard Mark Henry say in 15 years.
JR apologizes, and the fans are not happy about it. Next thing you know, JR is helpless at the hands of Mark Henry who says, "this is where you beg for your life." Enter Jerry Lawler. Sexual Chocolate lets go of JR only to grab The King, who throws a great right hand, then is just as quickly dropped to the mat with a World's Strongest Slam. It's a wonder Michael "Undefeated at Wrestlemania" Cole didn't get into the ring. Henry pulls apart the announcers' table, so Cole does indeed have to scram. Another World's Strongest Slam for Lawler, right through the table. The fans are heard saying "get Michael Cole". We wish!
Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres v. The Divas of Doom (Beth Phoenix and Natalya)
Kelly Kelly is continuing her job of carrying my fantasy team with all of these title defenses. Thank God. Beth Phoenix continues her job of keeping headband retailers in business. She also seems to want to show off all of her brightly colored skivies, as the skirt appears to be her new wardrobe. "Finish her Beth" can be heard repeatedly, while Natalia auditions for Mortal Combat/Street Fighter in her corner. Nothing exciting here, and Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres win.
Hugh Jackman and Zach Ryder promo
Hugh Jackman recaps Zach Ryder's rise to Internet fame. "You're not an underdog, you're out of your mind. You're kind of delusional. You're perfect!" he says. Is Ryder really going to be Jackman's pick for a match against Dolph? Woo, Woo, Woo, YOU KNOW IT!
Dolph Ziggler v. Zach Ryder (with Hugh Jackman)
Jackman is wearing a Ryder "Broski" bandana. It looks amazing. Ziggler is not impressed. Vickie screams from his corner. Standard. Hugh Jackman channels all of the best managers and valets of the past, as he really does seem to keep Ryder in this match with a series of cheers and commentary. Double clothesline. Dazed, Ryder crawls toward Vickie, who throws a cougar paw in his face and gets herself ejected. Mikey C won't have any of that behavior! Jackman climbs on the apron and punches Ziggler square in the face. Immediate KO! "Ladies and gentlemen, that was a real
steal for Zach Ryder." Oh, Michael Cole.
Jack Swagger consoles Vickie with a video package of his greatest moments. He promises that he can help Vickie get some face time with the Wolverine. She agrees to add Swagger to her stable of bleach blondes, and Ziggler looks on disappointed.
John Cena and CM Punk promo
Cena and Punk in one locker room.
Cena: "Partners!"
Punk: "Yeah.."
Cena: "The new Rock and Roll Express."
Punk: "I wouldn't go that far."
Cena then goes on to tell Punk how similar they are. He's right, you know... they're both men, they both have popular t-shirts, they both have someone with the last name "Word" rooting for them in Columbus. Twinsies!
The Miz and R-Truth v. John Cena and CM Punk
Awesome Truth come out to their new REEEEMIX song. The world is shocked as the Miz actually tells Cleveland, his hometown, that they suck. All is right with the world when he gives a coy smile to say he's just kidding.
Girls scream and Punk vomits as Cena removes his shirt. Miz shakes C-Rob's hand (the referee). It's on, and Cena takes it to Miz. Punk makes faces throughout the match. It's about the only thing that makes the majority of the match exciting.
Cole compares The Miz to Ali, which prompts everyone to wonder why Michael Cole isn't more popular with everyone. He's just so supportive. All I can focus on during this match are the fans with the A-W-E-S-O-M-E signs. Perfectly timed and flipped appropriately (read: not upside down). Points for Cleveland. CM Punk's scream of "it's nap tiiiiiiime" snaps me back into the match. Miz fights out of the setup for the GTS with a series of rapid fire elbows. Unfortunately, once dropped, he basically slams in to R-Truth. Oh nooooooooooo! Punk tries again and is successful with the Go to Sleep. Punk gets his hand raised by Cena... and cue HHH's music.
"Punk, good match. Miz, Truth, you're fired." That's it. No explanation. He's the COO. He's wearing pants with crisp pleats. He doesn't need to explain himself. Cut to a shot of the rest of the roster sitting stunned in the back. Miz and Truth attack HHH, and the rest of the roster has to break it up. Awesome Truth are ejected from the building, and Trips rips out his pony tail... followed by a violent shove to an electronics cart.
